Since I am no longer serving as an AG missionary, I've started a new blog to document our brand new ministry adventures, as well as just day to day blessings in our life.
The past month has been a true example of life unexpected, and yet also life lived to its fullest.
Would love to continue to have you as a reader - leave a comment or email me if you would like the new link <3
Initially I thought having dance disappear from my life as quickly as a fart in a fan factory would be super traumatizing and make life horribly mundane. But really, even though I miss all of the girls terribly, I am enjoying this sort of planned/sort of unexpected break.
"I almost feel like I am sinning against God - wasting days not doing ministry" I told Frank the other day.
"Well the pace at which you usually live your life is sin, actually" he retorted.
Oh. So you mean God still loves me exactly the same whether or not I burn the candle at both ends? You mean it's okay if I REST? Of course I already knew this logically - but in my heart - it has just been a very, very long time since the term "lazy summer" applied to me, and while things are far from lazy, I am really enjoying the time off.
It feels like I've gone non-stop since elementary school - gosh, I think I actually have. I NEVER went home right after school - I always had to be DOING something, and now God is confirming to me in all kinds of different ways that it's okay to just REST in Him, and to just spend some time being loved and loving & supporting those in my life. I won't do it forever - I will go absolutely crazy if I do - but life is a bit slower now until Royal Stage launch in September, and I am really enjoying the way God is speaking to me as I spend some time just slowing down.
I cleaned our whole house today top to bottom - the exterior of our house is so gross and icky looking - it's lawn lacking and we live next door to drug dealers (very nice drug dealers, don't get me wrong, but still....), but the inside can be okay when I make an effort :) So I cleaned. A lot. It feels good to be getting all cleaned up on the inside - God is cleaning out my heart, and I can clean the house :)
We went to Kayla's 8th grade graduation (she's in high school?! what?! she was ONE YEAR OLD when Frank and I started dating!!!). She goes to a performing arts charter school and they even fed us (which always makes me loyal) ;)
The graduate! :) It was horrendously windy, so Sam's cute sandals & yacht pants ensemble was thwarted with a windbreaker - ah well.
Then I made some big apple cupcakes for the Turning Pointers who left for NY that day. They came out pretty cute.
Yesterday was spent all day with my gorgeous and amazing sister in law, eating crepes and going second hand shop hopping through midtown.
The upcoming week is full of friends and my mom is coming up for a couple of days. Life is fun :) I can definitely get used to this whole idea of rest :)
God has made my heart so full the past couple of days - nothing really in life dictates this, except His goodness and the way He always provides. Sometimes I struggle to describe the passion I have for God without being "wordy" or like a zealot, and sometimes I mess up what He blesses me with. But right now, I feel like I am walking right in step with Him, and that feels amazing.
I heard this song on the radio today. It really put my heart right now into words. So awesome - I hope this guy gets lots of air play.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mA9IfB7coKg
More Like Falling In Love - Jason Gray
Give me rules
I will break them
Give me lines
I will cross them
I need more than a truth to believe
I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes
To sweep me off my feet
It ought to be
More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
It’s like I’m falling, oh
It’s like I’m falling in love
Give me words
I’ll misuse them
Obligations
I’ll misplace them
‘Cause all religion ever made of me
Was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet
It never set me free
It’s gotta be
CHORUS
…It’s like I’m falling in love, love, love
Deeper and deeper
It was love that made
Me a believer
In more than a name, a faith, a creed
Falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me
I would like everyone who prays, to pray for me today if you have time. And, whatever God decides, my will or not, that you will then proceed to rejoice - because God is good. Even when we may not understand Him, and even when things hurt and don't make sense. Sometimes we can have grand or good intentioned plans - and when those are executed, they do not end up anything like we hoped.
Obviously I am talking about something bigger here, but I will go with a more light-hearted example instead:
Today Frank, Sam and I packed up the cooler and went to meet Myriah and Greg halfway for a picnic. We chose a park that we would both have to drive an equal distance to get to, and when we got there - the park was completely overtaken with a special event.....
The African American Association Juneteenth Celebration
Needless to say, we did not blend in well, but we still joyously had a picnic and supported the central valley's black community by purchasing some overpriced frozen treats.
Good times.
So, this summer is not going to be anything what I expected. But, I am still looking forward to a lot of things that will warrant major rejoicing - and even if these things work out as well expected as our picnic that was hijacked by soul food and volunteer fire fighters, it is still going to be a lot of fun!
Hawaii! July 16!
Sam turns 2! Also July 16!
Renting a beach house with my besties for my birthday! August!
Non-profit starting! September!
Life is good, life is fun - I will embrace my treasured friends, look forward to making new ones, and just try my best to have joy <3
So this weekend we took a mini-trip to the bay area to spend time with family, and it was a nice break - a chance to rest (thank you mom!) and recharge. Frank and I spent Thursday morning in a meeting that brought healing and clarity to the situation that was upsetting me so much last week. I know one thing is for certain - God will guide those who really seek Him and desire to be guided by Him. Otherwise, He will just leave you the heck alone. I am glad He isn't leaving me alone and bugging me constantly to work things out according to what He wants.
Dance starts again tomorrow. It's a bittersweet time of ministry - definitely my least favorite. It's difficult when participants don't come back because of life changes, anxiety-filling not knowing if anyone will show up at all, and daunting meeting new people. But it always ends up being great after all is said and done, so I know I need to have an August mentality rather than a May one.
Life is about to be a crazy commotion again - especially with the furthering of the "big plans" and I just got asked to prepare a drama class for Mosaic. Fun! But I will be tired!
The weather here has been so nice - it's identical to Santa Clara, which is really weird this time of year. I am loving it. This weekend we took Sam to Happy Hollow - a bay area childhood staple that I have never, ever been to. Better late than never I suppose!
He really loved it and wore his new hat
Got kissed by a cow
Washed goats
And we made my mom really, really mad with this temporary tattoo. It has nothing to do with going to Happy Hollow, but it was pretty funny.
I read this quote today, "The religious artist seeking to create great art must begin by disregarding his every concern for propriety."
It's from John Shore's blog - he's my kind of Christian - blunt, provocative in his topics, yet loving and totally, 100% saved. And you know who else is like that? My kind of Jesus. Instance after instance in the Bible, we see the Lord's bluntness, his fearlessness against the tough stuff - and He also hugs children and prostitutes and has complete confidence in His Heavenly Father.
It dropped upon me like an anvil this morning during my quiet time that I have been too concerned about propriety. I have been looking to others for the approval in my art - in my dance, my writing, my chances to speak up - I do it all for God, but I think in a subconscious part of my mind, I also do it for a handful of other people's approval. The thought made me sick. I try to be blunt, provocative and loving. Sometimes I succeed, and sometimes I do not - but to realize just how strongly I look to the approval of others, and how now that one of those key people have totally, 100% failed me and I am left with this brittle skeleton of self-esteem and assurance of the road ahead......well.....
I have given a "preliminary resignation." That's my naming of it - a statement I made after a lot of prayer that after August, I will walk away from the positions in ministry I have been given, until I can come to a way and understanding of being able to do things on only God's terms without being stifled or frowned upon.
It's scary. Really scary. And of course there are things that can change my heart - God, first of all, compelling me to stick around. Or the individuals around me committing to act more biblically in the future - and I of course need to work on that more myself. There's a lot of grey, and will continue to be until the end of the summer. God can heal anything, and He can do anything - so we will just have to wait and see!
But as for now - I am not going to give a concrete answer on anything except this:
I need more of my Jesus than ever before, and I am determined to stick by Him and learn more about His character and love for me and others. I don't care where I go to church, what people say about me, or what they try to pin upon me - I am just going to be walking with my God.
So I know the bible says that God will direct our steps when we trust Him. But then I said to God yesterday, okay JC, my steps right now look like this:
To which I am pretty sure God responded "so what?"
Every morning when I wake up, the day before me feels like one of those trust fall activities everyone has to do at camp or in middle school. Go to a high spot, close your eyes, and let yourself fall as a group of your friends (or frienemies) giggles and wiggles below you. "Oh we'll catch you, don't worry!" they exclaim. And fortunately, when it was my turn, they always did. Probably because I was 90 pounds until 11th grade.
But it never felt stable or secure before falling. And sometimes I don't feel stable or secure with God's plans. This is a good lesson in how our feelings can outweigh truth. Truth says God will direct our steps. Truth says he is a million times more stable than a middle school trust circle. And you know what? He's never let me fall - unless it was for my own dang good and even then it was so he could completely rebuild and make me stronger.
So was it really a fall at all?
Today is a big decision day. At 8am I think the majority of those decisions have been made now - but I am going to commit it to God for one more day to make sure it's what He wants.
Because if I have to climb a path like the one in that picture - if I have to let myself fall from a very high place - then He is the one I want to catch me. He has a great track record.
May you feel His strong arms today too. <3
At the urging of people who I think must really love me in order to put up with me in all the ways they do, I called Kaiser at least a dozen times. Each time, I got an answering machine. Then we called an advice nurse, who gave us a different phone number, which led to another voicemail response.
Three years ago was the last time I had to really deal with this on the level that I am now - I had a rotten doctor who looked at me funny over the rim of his glasses and had an accent that always hindered whatever it was he was trying to tell me. I am not being unfair - I usually love a good accent. I gave up and walked away when Dr. Crap for Crap seemed to be my only option.
When I moved 40 miles away, quit my magazine job and started a new life over here, I had good justification for a new doctor. I went on a 2 month wait list. It's been seven. Hence all of the phone calls - I just need medicine. It shouldn't be this hard.
My last voicemail was outright screaming and crying into a "please leave your message after the tone" abyss. I never heard back. I wondered what ever became of all of those voicemails - does my HMO just make me a nameless number where a disinterested secretary presses delete all day long for $8.50 an hour?
Today, we finally got through to someone. Today also in the mail, I randomly got a Kaiser appointment reminder postcard. It was an appointment for June, with Dr. Crap for Crap, 40 miles away. I suppose my messages were received after all. But they weren't listened to. My phone never rang, my name was probably never put on a list. Just some machine slapped my name on a blue and white postcard next to a doctor I despise (and I'm pretty sure the feeling's mutual), and if I want to get better, then I just need to suck it up and go.
Even with the breakthrough of today, I still have to go to Dr. Crap for Crap. There are too many people, not enough time, not enough resources to be of individual interest. Not that I want to be. I am ashamed of this, I am frustrated by this, I am wounded by this. I don't want to sing or tap dance about how great it makes me. Because any feelings of self worth I ever had are completely, totally gone. My spirit feels like a vandalized home - everything of value is gone.
I know my God is good, I know my God is great. But tonight things just seem so much bigger than I am, and not in an all-encompassing, "God is peace and love" sort of way. I know that He is that, I just cannot feel that. I cannot justify it being available for myself. Things are just too broken.
Being a Christian does not mean I can't hurt, it doesn't mean my faith is gone or that God is dead - it just means that right now is a time I wish I could express my heart better to my family, my friends, and my Jesus. I am burned out, broken down, thrown for a loop....vandalized from the inside out.
I told a few people in confidence about my doubts after August. And of course, while I know some are a vault, there always leaks in girl circles, and now about a dozen people have asked me, "Hey Tam, have you made a decision yet about _______________?"
No. No I haven't. I know nothing. I am thinking more simple, fragmented, retarded thoughts right now. Do I really want to dance anymore? Where did I start getting so afraid? Is it fair to Sam to have a mother like me? Why do we always end up sort of just standing there in the parking lot after church while everyone around us gets invited to go have lunch or hang out somewhere?
Why are connections so hard to make, and how can so many people consider me to be a close friend when I am so wrought with secrets and struggles that I can't even type a sentence at this point?
I am so overcome right now, I crave desperately for Jesus to overcome me. It's the only way. And yet a part of me fears......there are just too many people, not enough time, not enough resources to be of individual interest.
Please my Jesus, consider me to be of individual interest. If only for a moment.
Thank you, that I am important to you for much longer than a moment. That despite the vandals, every piece of me is beyond insured and redeemed.
Forgive me for losing sight of that. And for whatever ends up coming next.
P.S. - I miss my thinking spot in the bay very much right now.
So my plan to post after every "Cinderella Reimagined" show did not exactly go as planned. Seven performances is a lot for a group that usually does three or four, and yet the time just slipped away so quickly, there was no time or patience left for the ordeal of fighting with Blogger's picture uploader.
I have more photos below, but seriously check out this amazing slideshow. It captured every poignant moment of our production.
But now life has calmed down, and here we are - 5 days post-Cinderella. The 7 performances were a dream come true. Over 20 audience members made a decision for Christ, and many more wrote us emails and/or came up to us after the show to thank us for our uplifting, encouraging message. We got almost 100% positive feedback - either the show totally rocked, or like someone told me once - friends and family lie to you and tell you that you did great because that is just what you do for church plays.
I don't think that was the case this year, as we gave away over 545 free outreach tickets to total strangers. And the craziest thing? The strangers showed up in droves. Every show was full, and the final performance was pure craziness.
We had a mix up with the times the janitor received, and so we were locked out of the theatre until 4pm, which is the time our show was supposed to start. After a brief mental breakdown, I pow wowed the dancers and told them the issue, and left Steve and Jill in charge of telling every audience member that um, well, we would be starting half hour late and sorry.
God was beyond nice to us - it was the perfect time of day for lots of shade outside the building, not a single audience member got angry, and the line was so long for the show, that we did not have a single seat left. We had to add extra chairs and cram people in way beyond fire code regulations. And the last performance was a goodie.
Thanks, Jesus. You are so amazing. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of this. Here are some final shots of the show - and I try to be a better blogger. Probably.
It is tradition around Turning Point to rejoice when you wear your first hole into your dance shoe. Nicole and Little Jessica (LJ) received their first holes our second weekend. Much rejoicing was had at becoming a "real" dancer.
I cherish our adult dancers. Diana is my heart, hero and inspiration <3 style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 504px; height: 378px;" src="http://lh6.ggpht.com/_iKPgrlZqrSo/S9tlXQd1X8I/AAAAAAAABLY/JlIZOUmGBCA/s640/IMG_0882.JPG" alt="" border="0">The Valeros are an amazing family. And they gave Sam the best seat in the house during our obscenely crowded final performance.
Cheering and screaming backstage after our final performance.
The cast presented me with flowers after the last show. I was really honored. And here is everyone. We have an overpopulation issue in creative arts right now. But it's also really fun.
This was taken during the show. I shouldn't allow such antics. But I was busy being in the photo.
Oops again. ;)
I love LJ. She is such a sweetie.
Last night was even more amazing. The theatre was packed. There wasn't a single seat available, and kids were spilling over into the aisles. The cast did another incredible job - I continue to be amazed at them.
Then, after the show, 3 adults and several children made the decision to accept Christ. So we are only on performance two, and mission accomplished! I am so excited for our 5 shows next weekend! <3
Favorite pics from last night:
Cinderella Reimagined opened last night, and all that I can say is that I have a LOT of thank yous to give - and especially to God because He provided in so many ways. Pretty much every single prayer I prayed was asked for. Here's a quick run down:
Team Spirit
The casts of our shows have always been remarkable. There is hardly ever any drama, everyone genuinely gets along, and they all pull together in the end. It's pretty typical to find them laughing, helping each other master a dance step in hallways, etc. etc. It's just a great group. However, there has always been a struggle to form a prep and coordination team. I have done way too much work by myself for too long, and have been BURNED OUT.
This weekend, when it was time to put up all the set pieces and arrange the props, an army of helpers came to the theater. Entire families came - kids and adults getting stuff done. Every time I started to do a job, it got taken away from me - I was completely worthless! It was awesome! The help continued into show day - a few women offered to be my "go to" girls, and I really worked them. They helped out in INCREDIBLE ways, and when the show started, I was feeling zero stress or nerves. It really was like, "Oh cool. It's 7:00. Let's get going."
That was very nice :)
Shining That Light
Oh, we always have fun - the dances and lines always have highs and lows - but this year, I really confidently feel that every single cast member allowed God to shine through them. The energy on stage was great, everyone had so much fun, it was evident who they were performing for, and their outcome was extraordinary.
A "Woo hoo!" Response
Except for one unfortunate incident at the start of the performance, the audience seemed to love the production. A lot of people told us that this was the best show we've done - people say that every year - and I take that as a big encouragement because it means we are continually improving. With Cinderella, we took leaps and bounds. We had remarkable acting coaches, committed families, and Pastor Jeff delivered a great message afterward. There are no words to express how grateful I am to everyone involved.
P.S. - Diana & Janet - thank you for providing the AMAZING concessions. I was drooling over those cupcakes and cookies!!!
Here are some of my favorite shots of some of my favorite people. Lots more photos to come:
April has been, to put it lightly, a crappy month thus far. I had high hopes for April. The opening of Cinderella Reimagined, the prospect of beginning to expand our family again, a relaxing weekend in the bay area.....
So far, I will not be touching ground in the bay area any time soon. I just went back on birth control for another month. And my depression & anxiety has come back with full force. Like a violent tsunami blowing away the restoration and healing I received in college, drowning me down with panic attacks, violent bouts of darkness and sadness, self injury habits coming back into play....
To this I all say - Satan, give me a freaking break. Can't you do better than this? Don't you think I know by now that you LOOOOVE to mess with our spring show - stress me out the week prior to the point where I am in tears all the time and wonder why we even bother? Make it seem like a tiny, meaningless thing amidst a huge ocean of other ministry endeavors?
Don't you think I know how you just love to play up my depression, my panic attacks, my puny self esteem....
It's only April 11th. The month is still young, and I know there is time for it to be redeemed. I am counting on you, God, for a few things:
1) That people who received the outreach tickets will actually show up to the performances and that lives will be changed. Impacted. Saved.
2) That the actors and dancers will not be flawless, but be good - good at what they do to the point that others will want to do it too, and our summer programs will be blessed with new participants and that audience members will leave feeling hope and satisfaction over what they just saw.
3) That I can go home in May. And see family, friends, and good healthy rest.
I am counting on you Jesus. I am not going to worry anymore. Thanks for loving me.
This was a pretty amazing weekend. It was also pretty crazy - but the amazing part is found within the craziness. Does that make sense?
We had dance camp this weekend - the one weekend out of the year where we mandate EVERY SINGLE PERFORMER to come and "live" at the church for 24 hours and we rehearse a lot. Probably more than what is reasonably healthy, but at the same time, the dancers have a ton of fun and things usually work out pretty well. This year was no exception. Highlights of the weekend:
1) One of our actors broke his collarbone. He was to be in a cast for 6 weeks, automatically benching him from being in the Cinderella performances. During a prayer meeting on Friday night, he was healed, and now just 6 days later, he is out of his cast and back in action.
2) One of our dancers has had intense stomach pains that have sent her to the ER. During our prayer and worship time with The Well on Friday night, she felt instant relief from her pain, and was able to rehearse fully.
3) We had a relatively smooth first run through of Cinderella.
4) We had an encouragement circle - it was supposed to last about 30 minutes. Over 2 hours later, dancers will still edifying each other - it was a wonderful and beautiful time of self-esteem boosting and expression of love.
5) Church on Sunday was very powerful. The message moved people deeply, and a deep seeded conflict between two creative arts participants was brought to a place where healing can begin.
6) We sold out our opening night show with ticket sales, and a few of the other shows are close to being full as well.
Finally, my aunt came to visit unexpectantly. My grandmother was admitted to the hospital and she stopped by without much warning on her way home to Tahoe. We have not spoken in about five years, and I was really dreading the visit. All of my dread and anxiety was transformed into a really lovely visit, and we even got a chance to pray together.
I love renewal.
The bible clearly states that after we become a Christian, we should love, trust, seek and serve God with all our hearts. Really, it isn't too difficult. If you accept Jesus into your heart, and surround yourself with a healthy community that never pressures you into anything you don't feel called to do - then loving, trusting, seeking and serving God just comes naturally. You feel His love through them, you feel His love through the Bible, you feel His love through every day experience and action.
But sometimes, that doesn't come without opposition. The devil hits hard when he wants to, especially when you commit your life to doing awesome, good, positive things. And holy cow did I get walloped tonight. And I am still getting beaten on.
I love my Jesus, I go to a great church, but sometimes I feel it is just impossible for me to discover where God wants me to be. It seems like this year, I just cannot get my footing - everything I touch turns to crap, and while I am never giving up on God and His goodness....I may have to give up on what I thought was "right" for awhile in terms of where I serve Him and how.
I am going to be blogging every day for the next 21 days, and hope that you'll come along with me for prayer, insight and advice. The reason for the incessant writing is 3-fold: I really love to write and have been neglecting that passion except for when I get a paycheck for it, God is doing a lot of things in me right now and I want to have it for memories, & our church is doing a 21-day fast and I know that God is going to use that time to reveal a lot of stuff, and I am holding out hope that what He speaks will be eye-opening.
I had a lot of agony over fasting. I've never done it before, and I've always joked that God will NEVER call me to it, because He loves me and would never want to see me suffer that much. ;) I love food, all friends and family ever want to do is go out to eat - it has become such a cultural thing in our society. And really, as much as I'm hooked, it's kind of gross. When I need sushi more than Jesus, it's time to slow down and admit it - okay, okay Lord, it's time for a fast. Boo. I'll be obedient, but don't expect any cartwheels.
Everyone is fasting differently. A ton of people are doing the Daniel Fast. Some are doing just water or gatorade. Some are fasting from a favorite food, a pasttime, etc. etc. After a lot of thought and prayer, this is what I've decided my fast is going to be:
1) No sugar or caffeine
2) No eating out - everything I eat needs to come from the grocery store or my kitchen
3) Nothing but water from sunup to sundown.
#3 is going to be a killer - I Daniel Fasted the first two days, decided I was doing it out of utter and total legalism, and decided last night that the above 3 rules is what God wants me to do right now.
I have not had a drop of caffeine or sugar (except that found naturally in whole fruit), and I feel healthy. Not a smidge of a headache, wheareas usually if I go more than half a day without a Pepsi, I feel dead. God is already carrying me, and I am excited for more of Him.
During this time, I also have a fast list of things I am going to commit to prayer. I am not sharing all of them here, but here are 4 that you can join me in prayer, if you feel led:
1) That God would bless "Cinderella Reimagined" and would bring people to Him through our efforts.
2) That The Royal Stage would make progress, find facilities, and be fruitful this summer
3) That my friends and family will come to know the REAL Jesus. And be blown away by His awesomeness.
4) That God would reveal to Frank and I the right time to expand our family, and that we will be okay with whatever the verdict is.
Ooooooh I want an egg mcmuffin right now VERY MUCH! God is better though <3
I've switched back to a paper journal. There is something so much more deeply fulfilling about writing thoughts down free of spell check (which doesn't correct me much - I am pretty awesome) and other people's opinions. But don't worry, dear reader, I am not completely weary of the thrills of exhibitionist writing - for all my friends, my critics, and my friends who never talk to me in real life anymore but always read my blog so I am not really sure if they are critics or not- - I will still post here.
March is always the weirdest time. Winter is having a total identity crisis and is about to just give up and succumb to spring, and my stress level is at 300% during our last month of rehearsal. But I am proud to say that this year, my ministry stress isn't half bad. I am not sure if I have finally concluded that it doesn't change things whether or not I have a nervous break down at every turn, or if I've concluded even further that none of this EVEN MATTERS! - but for whatever reason, God keeps drawing me back to it, and here we are - year #5. And so March's hope starts to burst through in the form of dances looking clean and polished, lines being delivered with appropriate emotion, and friendships being formed in powerful and meaningful ways.
The rest of me = complete mess. The laundry's not done, my article deadlines loom, and joining me on this adventure is a vibrant little 19 month old, who will apparently spontaneously combust if he is forced to sit still for more than five minutes at a time. He is also deeply infatuated with our toilet plunger and gives the most stupidly wonderful hugs and wet kisses. He is seriously the best human being on the planet (no bias here, of course), and sometimes I wish we could just waste the day away making blanket forts, blowing bubbles, and making block towers.
Because then the day wouldn't be a waste at all.
I've been feeling like a waste lately. I've lost track of my Jesus, and I need to find a way to find him again. Pronto.
The posters for Cinderella Reimagined are hung. The postcards have been designed and ordered. And I put out an ad notifying the local community about our free outreach shows. That was at 11pm last night.
Today, by noon, 95 of the tickets for the outreach productions have been reserved. This isn't a fly by the seat of your pants reservation system - people have to contact us through our ad, read a disclaimer and info sheet, click on a registration link, and provide their home address, email, and names and ages of any children in attendance.
The response has been remarkable. These people are being prayed for and followed up upon. We are going to have kids and adults prayer teams, and other resources at the show such as a food closet and counseling services.
And with a prayer and an Internet post, the people are responding. One quarter of what we have space for in only 12 hours.
What. The. Heck.
Thanks God!
Yesterday I had absolutely nothing important to do, and the weather outside was gorgeous. February through April is my window of time where I enjoy Sacramento - and it's been forever since I had nothing on my calendar. It will also be forever until sunshine and schedules align again, and so Sam and I enjoyed the day.
We "painted" with water:
Attempted finger painting:
Went for a walk around our neighborhood:
Found a worm:
A couple of days before, we discovered a newfound love for bubbles:
It was a sweet few days. I love February :) <3
Wednesday is my favorite day of the week. Especially this time of year, when I can see red balloons and heart shaped boxes of candy in the store windows as I drive in the NO LONGER FLIPPING FREEZING weather to the church. I (usually) love my weekly meeting with Pastor Scott, always get to have lunch with one of my favorite friends, and best of all I get the chance to recenter, refocus, and catch up on my life.
However - when you have a small child, never make plans.
Right after lunch at our favorite Mongolian BBQ dive with absolutely dreadful customer service, Nichole and I were in the car when the sweet woman who watches Sam for me on Wednesdays called in a panic. She said she had given Sam lunch, and now he was breaking out in a horrible rash and was struggling to breathe and would I please come right away?
Not what a mommy wants to hear in the middle of her lovely Wednesday, and sure enough, when I picked him up, he was wheezing, coughing and sobbing - covered from head to toe in hives. We rushed him to the hospital, and in transition I got a list from freaked out babysitter as to what he had eaten that day.
Drum roll please......peanut butter! Oh, how proud and horrified I was - just like his mother, he is officially doomed to a life devoid of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and any food "processed in a factory that may contain nuts."
(aka EV-ER-Y-THING!!!!!)
So for those of you who wonder what happens with a new found peanut allergy, I present the following visual:
Playing with the defibrillator:
Sad Sam with his impressively nasty rash:
Then Nichole surrendered her Blackberry, and suddenly life was okay again:
One injection, two oral meds, and three prescriptions later - we left the ER. They even hooked him up to a monitor for awhile, just like the good ol' times in the NICU.
Poor Frank. He was so hoping for a buddy to eat Peanut Butter Captain Crunch with.
In other news, we had a GREAT rehearsal last night, and managed to get a picture with most of our cast. There are about 5 missing from this shot, so um, yes please pray for me. :)
What a roomful of jewels though - they are just so amazing, there aren't words. Well there are....COME SEE OUR SHOW IN APRIL!
My second favorite holiday is on Sunday, and I made some treats for my fellow church staffers and our marriage group. I am pretty dang proud of them.
Rice krispy treats, pink & red M&Ms, Devil's food cupcakes, and happy heart cookies:) 
All boxed and ready to go!
If you are a long time reader of my blog, you know that when I was in college, I received a healing from God. In my 20+ (oh my gosh, wow, really- yep, since I was 8) years of dealing with this mess, there was a night where the Lord really met me and a group of praying friends. It literally felt that night as if Satan's best taunters and teasers packed up camp and left out the front door. Since then I have never been hospitalized again, I've rarely been on medication, and my life has been healthy enough to hold down jobs, lead a ministry, have a happy marriage and be a mom.
But to say there haven't been struggles would be a big whopping lie. There are still countless days that I have to fight with my entire being to get out of bed. There is still a sting from relationships that have long been dead in the grave due to things I did. Sometimes friendships fade or grow apart, and sometimes it's like its heads are chopped off because you angered someone to the point of no return. That's what happens - people don't understand, you don't dare explain, and then you drag around this carcass of regret everywhere you go. For the stupid things you said, the stupid things you did, etc.
Stupid Facebook. I hate you.
One evening several weeks ago, one of my dancers came up to me, excitedly telling me some story about something in her life, but her lead in was "hey remember that time you had cuts all over your arms and you couldn't remember how they got there?"
My heart sank that I had played dumb that day, and even though it was probably more than appropriate she will never know the truth, it is still such a burden to hide so often.
When people pray for me, they often ask God to help me find the "root of the issue", and sometimes I pray for that, too. And other times I just accept and embrace the fact that I have a medical condition that others around me do not, and that just like a stuffy nose or a sprained ankle - sometimes my brain clogs or breaks, and there is nothing I can do except wait it out and try to ignore everything I'm feeling.
I have had some wild things happen to me in my life - I understand that certain traumas or incidents can throw one further down into darkness...but this is different. It's been with me forever. This dark cloud that doctors call clinical and pew warmers call unconfessed sin. And someday, when I stand before God, I'll probably learn it's somewhere in between.
Until then, I will just continue to stuff and stuff things down, and while I'll always hope for the opportunity to talk and pray with someone, it's just too hard now to confide in problem solvers or sit with someone who just plain thinks I am a crazy whiner.
But in case someone else is reading this who is hurting too.....know that I understand. And it all totally bites.
And if you're the friend or family member of someone like me - I have no good advice. I can't ever bring myself to Google the pain and unfairness of mental illness.
So....just tell them you love them.
February is here, and in only 15 days, you will be nineteen months old. I can't even fathom the possibility of this - time is going by so quickly - everything seems to be in both fast forward and slow motion simultaneously, and even though that's a bit disconcerting, I am grateful that your life is here.
As you get ready to enter your nineteenth month of life, here are 19 things I love that I hope someday you'll love, too.
1) Rain on windows - the way the waterdrops tap dance against the glass, a soothing song that you may find to be the perfect backdrop for reading, writing or praying.
2) Sushi - which you're going to have to love when you're big enough to eat it, because we already take you with us all the time. :)
3) Hawaii - the mountain mist, the perfect snow cone, ultimate contentment in flip flops.
4) Good worship music. Really good worship music - the way your heart fills up to bursting at the excitement over what you're hearing is only a preview of how Heaven will sound.
5) A great exploring spot - for me and your Aunt Becky, it was the creek behind our elementary school, down the street from Grandma's house. For you it may be your backyard when it's finished, or the field behind the church. Wherever you choose where you can be a pirate or a cowboy, a great adventurer or a quiet ponderer.
6) Swimming pools - the splash of summer, diving under into a green-blue haze where the world is muffled but the sun above still feels brilliant and free of responsibility.
7) Christmas afternoon - the presents are all opened, dinner is cooking, and all is sweet and quiet.
8) Anywhere but here - the tremendous gift of travel. The ability to discover first hand how different we are, and yet we're all the same. The fun of new foods, a different smell in the air, seeing life from a new (and better) perspective.
9) Disneyland - fireworks and Mickey Mouse, root beer floats and wide eyes at parades. I've already gotten to experience this with you <3>
10) The first sign of spring - a flower, a gentle breeze, a blue sky, the first time you run outside to play and forget about your jacket.
11) Stories - I love reading to you, and you seem to love being read to. So far, so good. I can't wait for this to be a bedtime ritual in our house.
12) Honesty - I hope you will cherish the truth, and that others around you will honor you with such.
13) A friend you can tell anything to - You will find this to be of huge value sometimes, even on the days it feels as if no one is listening.
14) The ocean - You are growing up in California. Take advantage of it. Allow it to let you feel small, so you can experience how big God is.
15) Cheesecake.
16) Forgiveness. And the blessed ability to fully forgive others.
17) Your Nonna's recipes - I am paying close attention to her in the kitchen, because I know someday I'm going to have to try my best to capture the essence of them and hope to cook them for your kids someday, too.
18) Your job. - Whatever you end up doing, whoever you end up being - I pray that you will be happy. Your daddy and I cheated fate - we are both doing pretty much exactly what we hoped to do "when we grew up", and I wish the same for you.
19) Yourself. - Always love and be proud of who you are. Because you, my little boy, are a handsome and remarkable little creature.
There is a passage in the book of Luke (12:48) that scares the bejeezers out of me. It's not anything about hellfire or unimaginable plagues, but is simply this:
"To whom much is given, much is expected."
The reason it worries me is because knowing it's true, I am in a heap of trouble when it comes to my level of responsibility, because it feels as if I've been given the world.
The sun shone through our bedroom curtains this afternoon, and it seems maybe my favorite season may come early this year. We've had nine days of rain, and to so to see sunshine and a tree full of little black birds chirping and chattering away by our window was a welcomed sight. Winter is so long, and spring is so short - that it feels as if you close your eyes, you may just miss it altogether.
God has blessed me lately with a perfect peace. It isn't about having a perfect life - Cinderella Reimagined rehearsals continue to be precarious, my best friend's mom is extremely ill with cancer, and my family roots continue to be chaos, but then God counters our fears and hurts....
"I can't believe she feels/acts that way" = "When God approves of your life, even your enemies will end up shaking your hand" (Prov 16:7)
"Cancer sucks" = "Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life." (Phil 4:7)
"Family chaos makes me cry" = "At day's end I'm ready for sound sleep, for you, God, have put my life back together. " (Psalm 4:8)
I looked around at rehearsal today, with dancers all around me, and was completely dumbstruck. The simple, little idea God gave me has continually been something that people WANT to come and be a part of. No one is required to join Turning Point, and yet so many have, and the group is on the brink of becoming a part of something much, much larger. I was just figuratively smacked down to my knees in humbleness in what God has done. It's been remarkable to see. I have so many stories to tell.
I am so excited for the Turning Point restructure, and the merge with Royal Stage when I have time to create and establish that - it's going to be full of God's glory, and I've been praying for Him to continually humble me, give me an anguished heart for people who are hurting and could benefit either from the message of a strong group or participating in one. The only complaint Turning Point may encounter in the next 6 months to 2 years is that it is "too Christian" - in the sense that we'll be even more sold out for Jesus than ever before, and loving and accepting others more than ever before.
And I think I am willing to live with that criticism.
But beyond all that, there is so much to be grateful for. A perfect culmination of how God's brought peace into my life in a way that makes it feel as if I am safe, blessed, and have been given the world. All of a sudden there was some sort of breakthrough I can't really describe, other to say that God surely does meet with those who seek Him. All fear, hesitation and sadness is gone when it comes to life.
There is only messy, yet beautiful work to complete for His kingdom. Life is so short - keep your eyes open, or you may miss it.
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