At the urging of people who I think must really love me in order to put up with me in all the ways they do, I called Kaiser at least a dozen times. Each time, I got an answering machine. Then we called an advice nurse, who gave us a different phone number, which led to another voicemail response.
Three years ago was the last time I had to really deal with this on the level that I am now - I had a rotten doctor who looked at me funny over the rim of his glasses and had an accent that always hindered whatever it was he was trying to tell me. I am not being unfair - I usually love a good accent. I gave up and walked away when Dr. Crap for Crap seemed to be my only option.
When I moved 40 miles away, quit my magazine job and started a new life over here, I had good justification for a new doctor. I went on a 2 month wait list. It's been seven. Hence all of the phone calls - I just need medicine. It shouldn't be this hard.
My last voicemail was outright screaming and crying into a "please leave your message after the tone" abyss. I never heard back. I wondered what ever became of all of those voicemails - does my HMO just make me a nameless number where a disinterested secretary presses delete all day long for $8.50 an hour?
Today, we finally got through to someone. Today also in the mail, I randomly got a Kaiser appointment reminder postcard. It was an appointment for June, with Dr. Crap for Crap, 40 miles away. I suppose my messages were received after all. But they weren't listened to. My phone never rang, my name was probably never put on a list. Just some machine slapped my name on a blue and white postcard next to a doctor I despise (and I'm pretty sure the feeling's mutual), and if I want to get better, then I just need to suck it up and go.
Even with the breakthrough of today, I still have to go to Dr. Crap for Crap. There are too many people, not enough time, not enough resources to be of individual interest. Not that I want to be. I am ashamed of this, I am frustrated by this, I am wounded by this. I don't want to sing or tap dance about how great it makes me. Because any feelings of self worth I ever had are completely, totally gone. My spirit feels like a vandalized home - everything of value is gone.
I know my God is good, I know my God is great. But tonight things just seem so much bigger than I am, and not in an all-encompassing, "God is peace and love" sort of way. I know that He is that, I just cannot feel that. I cannot justify it being available for myself. Things are just too broken.
Being a Christian does not mean I can't hurt, it doesn't mean my faith is gone or that God is dead - it just means that right now is a time I wish I could express my heart better to my family, my friends, and my Jesus. I am burned out, broken down, thrown for a loop....vandalized from the inside out.
I told a few people in confidence about my doubts after August. And of course, while I know some are a vault, there always leaks in girl circles, and now about a dozen people have asked me, "Hey Tam, have you made a decision yet about _______________?"
No. No I haven't. I know nothing. I am thinking more simple, fragmented, retarded thoughts right now. Do I really want to dance anymore? Where did I start getting so afraid? Is it fair to Sam to have a mother like me? Why do we always end up sort of just standing there in the parking lot after church while everyone around us gets invited to go have lunch or hang out somewhere?
Why are connections so hard to make, and how can so many people consider me to be a close friend when I am so wrought with secrets and struggles that I can't even type a sentence at this point?
I am so overcome right now, I crave desperately for Jesus to overcome me. It's the only way. And yet a part of me fears......there are just too many people, not enough time, not enough resources to be of individual interest.
Please my Jesus, consider me to be of individual interest. If only for a moment.
Thank you, that I am important to you for much longer than a moment. That despite the vandals, every piece of me is beyond insured and redeemed.
Forgive me for losing sight of that. And for whatever ends up coming next.
P.S. - I miss my thinking spot in the bay very much right now.
He Came to a World at War: O King of Nations
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1 comments:
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I know how that is. My family was actually with Kaiser and then my dad's job kept switching insurances, every time we had to get a new doctor. Now I'm with one that has a full month's waiting list, so I always end up going to a clinic that is just as bad (they prescribed me a 5x greater dose once).
And having a crappy doctor who treats you like you know nothing isn't good either. My original surgeon told my mom she was "too young to understand". There was another doctor I had (we fired him after the first visit) that just blatantly said, "Well, what do you want me to do?"
Do you know what doctors are covered by your insurance?
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