A Hurting Heart 101

If you are a long time reader of my blog, you know that when I was in college, I received a healing from God. In my 20+ (oh my gosh, wow, really- yep, since I was 8) years of dealing with this mess, there was a night where the Lord really met me and a group of praying friends. It literally felt that night as if Satan's best taunters and teasers packed up camp and left out the front door. Since then I have never been hospitalized again, I've rarely been on medication, and my life has been healthy enough to hold down jobs, lead a ministry, have a happy marriage and be a mom.

But to say there haven't been struggles would be a big whopping lie. There are still countless days that I have to fight with my entire being to get out of bed. There is still a sting from relationships that have long been dead in the grave due to things I did. Sometimes friendships fade or grow apart, and sometimes it's like its heads are chopped off because you angered someone to the point of no return. That's what happens - people don't understand, you don't dare explain, and then you drag around this carcass of regret everywhere you go. For the stupid things you said, the stupid things you did, etc.

Stupid Facebook. I hate you.

One evening several weeks ago, one of my dancers came up to me, excitedly telling me some story about something in her life, but her lead in was "hey remember that time you had cuts all over your arms and you couldn't remember how they got there?"

My heart sank that I had played dumb that day, and even though it was probably more than appropriate she will never know the truth, it is still such a burden to hide so often.

When people pray for me, they often ask God to help me find the "root of the issue", and sometimes I pray for that, too. And other times I just accept and embrace the fact that I have a medical condition that others around me do not, and that just like a stuffy nose or a sprained ankle - sometimes my brain clogs or breaks, and there is nothing I can do except wait it out and try to ignore everything I'm feeling.

I have had some wild things happen to me in my life - I understand that certain traumas or incidents can throw one further down into darkness...but this is different. It's been with me forever. This dark cloud that doctors call clinical and pew warmers call unconfessed sin. And someday, when I stand before God, I'll probably learn it's somewhere in between.

Until then, I will just continue to stuff and stuff things down, and while I'll always hope for the opportunity to talk and pray with someone, it's just too hard now to confide in problem solvers or sit with someone who just plain thinks I am a crazy whiner.

But in case someone else is reading this who is hurting too.....know that I understand. And it all totally bites.

And if you're the friend or family member of someone like me - I have no good advice. I can't ever bring myself to Google the pain and unfairness of mental illness.

So....just tell them you love them.

And I Hope These Things You'll Love

February is here, and in only 15 days, you will be nineteen months old. I can't even fathom the possibility of this - time is going by so quickly - everything seems to be in both fast forward and slow motion simultaneously, and even though that's a bit disconcerting, I am grateful that your life is here.

As you get ready to enter your nineteenth month of life, here are 19 things I love that I hope someday you'll love, too.

1) Rain on windows - the way the waterdrops tap dance against the glass, a soothing song that you may find to be the perfect backdrop for reading, writing or praying.

2) Sushi - which you're going to have to love when you're big enough to eat it, because we already take you with us all the time. :)

3) Hawaii - the mountain mist, the perfect snow cone, ultimate contentment in flip flops.

4) Good worship music. Really good worship music - the way your heart fills up to bursting at the excitement over what you're hearing is only a preview of how Heaven will sound.

5) A great exploring spot - for me and your Aunt Becky, it was the creek behind our elementary school, down the street from Grandma's house. For you it may be your backyard when it's finished, or the field behind the church. Wherever you choose where you can be a pirate or a cowboy, a great adventurer or a quiet ponderer.

6) Swimming pools - the splash of summer, diving under into a green-blue haze where the world is muffled but the sun above still feels brilliant and free of responsibility.

7) Christmas afternoon - the presents are all opened, dinner is cooking, and all is sweet and quiet.

8) Anywhere but here - the tremendous gift of travel. The ability to discover first hand how different we are, and yet we're all the same. The fun of new foods, a different smell in the air, seeing life from a new (and better) perspective.

9) Disneyland - fireworks and Mickey Mouse, root beer floats and wide eyes at parades. I've already gotten to experience this with you <3>

10) The first sign of spring - a flower, a gentle breeze, a blue sky, the first time you run outside to play and forget about your jacket.

11) Stories - I love reading to you, and you seem to love being read to. So far, so good. I can't wait for this to be a bedtime ritual in our house.

12) Honesty - I hope you will cherish the truth, and that others around you will honor you with such.

13) A friend you can tell anything to - You will find this to be of huge value sometimes, even on the days it feels as if no one is listening.

14) The ocean - You are growing up in California. Take advantage of it. Allow it to let you feel small, so you can experience how big God is.

15) Cheesecake.

16) Forgiveness. And the blessed ability to fully forgive others.

17) Your Nonna's recipes - I am paying close attention to her in the kitchen, because I know someday I'm going to have to try my best to capture the essence of them and hope to cook them for your kids someday, too.

18) Your job. - Whatever you end up doing, whoever you end up being - I pray that you will be happy. Your daddy and I cheated fate - we are both doing pretty much exactly what we hoped to do "when we grew up", and I wish the same for you.

19) Yourself. - Always love and be proud of who you are. Because you, my little boy, are a handsome and remarkable little creature.

Much Is Expected

There is a passage in the book of Luke (12:48) that scares the bejeezers out of me. It's not anything about hellfire or unimaginable plagues, but is simply this:

"To whom much is given, much is expected."

The reason it worries me is because knowing it's true, I am in a heap of trouble when it comes to my level of responsibility, because it feels as if I've been given the world.

The sun shone through our bedroom curtains this afternoon, and it seems maybe my favorite season may come early this year. We've had nine days of rain, and to so to see sunshine and a tree full of little black birds chirping and chattering away by our window was a welcomed sight. Winter is so long, and spring is so short - that it feels as if you close your eyes, you may just miss it altogether.

God has blessed me lately with a perfect peace. It isn't about having a perfect life - Cinderella Reimagined rehearsals continue to be precarious, my best friend's mom is extremely ill with cancer, and my family roots continue to be chaos, but then God counters our fears and hurts....

"I can't believe she feels/acts that way" = "When God approves of your life, even your enemies will end up shaking your hand" (Prov 16:7)

"Cancer sucks" = "Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life." (Phil 4:7)

"Family chaos makes me cry" = "At day's end I'm ready for sound sleep, for you, God, have put my life back together. " (Psalm 4:8)

I looked around at rehearsal today, with dancers all around me, and was completely dumbstruck. The simple, little idea God gave me has continually been something that people WANT to come and be a part of. No one is required to join Turning Point, and yet so many have, and the group is on the brink of becoming a part of something much, much larger. I was just figuratively smacked down to my knees in humbleness in what God has done. It's been remarkable to see. I have so many stories to tell.

I am so excited for the Turning Point restructure, and the merge with Royal Stage when I have time to create and establish that - it's going to be full of God's glory, and I've been praying for Him to continually humble me, give me an anguished heart for people who are hurting and could benefit either from the message of a strong group or participating in one. The only complaint Turning Point may encounter in the next 6 months to 2 years is that it is "too Christian" - in the sense that we'll be even more sold out for Jesus than ever before, and loving and accepting others more than ever before.

And I think I am willing to live with that criticism.

But beyond all that, there is so much to be grateful for. A perfect culmination of how God's brought peace into my life in a way that makes it feel as if I am safe, blessed, and have been given the world. All of a sudden there was some sort of breakthrough I can't really describe, other to say that God surely does meet with those who seek Him. All fear, hesitation and sadness is gone when it comes to life.

There is only messy, yet beautiful work to complete for His kingdom. Life is so short - keep your eyes open, or you may miss it.

I Could Just Throw Up From Excitement, But Sam Already Did.

Two very exciting things happened in my ministry life this week, right when two rather cruddy things happened in my personal life. But when I really think about it....people are always going to let us down. Humans are kind of disappointing yet predictable in that way. But God will never let us down, which makes ministry life more important and exciting, and definitely worth meditating upon instead!

The first exciting turn of events is that my dance world expanded by 37 today, as I started my first day working as the dance teacher at Mosaic Christian Enrichment Center. It is a whole gaggle of homeschool kids who are awfully cute and painfully energetic. One of my best Turning Point teens is going to assist me with the hip hop portion (because um, really, me? hip hop? no....) and I am teaching worship dance and ballet. My victory moment came when a crowd of snickering adolescent boys suddenly got super serious about their tendus and whispered to each other, "Geez, this ballet thing is kind of hard!"

Anyway, I am going to try to take a photo of all of them next Thursday - definitely a bunch of new faces to pray for.

In light of expansion and new ministry relationships, I prayed and wrote up a proposal for my ultimate non-profit dream come true performing arts center. I gave it to my superiors at Harvest and it was approved! I am still going to be working as a missionary commissioned to the local church for the next year and a half, but I am also going to be working on grants, non-profit numbers, researching commercial properties, etc. Eek! Pray!

I am not going to advertise to the world all that God is doing (yet!), but I am so excited I can take the steps now to make this all a reality - and that reality is going to be a TON of work.

I still can't stop grinning from excitement though....that there may someday soon be a place where people of any age can come and create for the Lord - dance, sing, paint, act, write - without judgment or insecurity. So awesome! <3 Those who are involved with creative arts are going to see some tremendous and positive changes - and for those who aren't but want to be, now is the time! :)

Today was supposed to be my day to focus and get things done, but I had to pick up Sam early from day care due to a time conflict. Jill was sweet enough to offer to watch him at the church while I worked, and happy little Sam all of a sudden projectile vomited all over the floor.

Remarkable.

What's remarkable, you may ask? The answer would be "exactly how much vomit can come out of a 23 pound kid." He was playing and happy all morning, and then BAM out of nowhere he throws up. This was no little spit up. This was vomit reaching impressive distances down a carpeted hallway.

I put him down to start to clean it up, and then he throws up all over himself and INTO my purse. So he is wailing for me to cuddle him, and there is curdled milk and banana just slithering down the church hallway, literally everywhere. So I strip him down to his diaper and onesie, and pick him up, and then he throws up AGAIN all over me.

There is so much puke at this point, there is no hiding it, and there is absolutely no way to avoid wading in it either. It's on my shoes, my entire upper body, my face, my hair, his face, his hair, his onesie, his socks..... two women (one of which I have never met before) tell me to take him home and they will clean it up. I keep trying to help and they tell me to just take him home and not to worry. So I have to wrap him up in a purple flowered blanket from the nursery to get him into the car in his underwear in the pouring rain, and bag what feels like pounds of puke.

I'll bet you did not expect this blog entry to take such a dramatic and disgusting turn, now did you?

Can't Get Enough of You, Boy.

Today was a crazy day. Sarita is here, visiting from Trinidad, and so we (the dancers) have been taking turns showing her the sights. Today my assignment was to take her to the Jelly Belly Factory in Fairfield, and then off to the mall to find shirts for our worship dance on Sunday. We decided to get lunch in between, and wanted to check Mongolian BBQ off of the list of "must eats" I wrote for her before she arrived. She's so committed to pigging out while in America that she is even taking a special vitamin to make herself hungry and I am impressed by her culinary tenacity. I didn't want to disappoint.

Minerva led us to what was allegedly a Mongolian BBQ, but instead was a shopping center devoid of any restaurants. We settled for a 2nd best option of regular Chinese food that was again, allegedly two miles away, but Minerva was once again a liar as she led us to the address of a THAI restaurant. Dejected, we settled for Texas BBQ (not the same as Mongolian BBQ AT ALL!!!!) and as we trudged into the restaurant, we ran into Jen and Will....and Will saved our sad stomachs by letting us know about an amazing Chinese restaurant down the street, that he then proceeded to confirm by phone that it not only existed and was open, but yes they did serve Chinese food.

Woot!

So today we learned how jelly beans were made, got our Chinese food, got our shirts and cute hair flowers, and listened to Caribbean music. Then at night I went to the church to put up our super awesome mid-Winter service decor with Brandi. The whole day and evening was really, really fun.

But all day long, Sam was with me. And at the end of the day, I realized my heart was broken, because he was the most patient little boy, going with us everywhere without a fuss. And the amount of attention he got was minimal - I talked to him at the jelly bean factory, showing him how things worked, and he got to run the length of the Chinese restaurant because the owners thought he was adorable - but that was pretty much it.

I know taking Sarita around is the exception to the rule and that's okay....but for the rest of my life, I find myself caught between two worlds. The one where I love full time ministry with my whole heart, and I'm happier than I've ever been.....and the one where I just miss my little boy all the time when I have to be gone all day and night, and I just want to take a break from everything and be 100% mommy.

My most important ministry in life will be my children - and Sam is a great choice. His sweetness, his snuggles, his little hands and big eyes - he is so precious and perfect to me, and I feel like I'm missing things. I understand the angst of working moms now, and I worry that I am making bad decisions. And yet they also feel so right.

Little Sam, I wish you could go everywhere with me, but if you did, you would enjoy the ride as much as I am. It may be time after these two years are through, to go along for your ride instead.

Year in Review - Part 2, aka What I Refuse to Call Resolutions

I am not much of a firm believer in resolutions, because I think they are the same thing as promises, only they are to yourself, and that somehow seems even worse in a way. When I became a mom, one of the first things I promised myself (ha. irony.) is that I would never say "I promise" to Sam - and for the most part, I haven't. But still, when it comes to New Year's resolutions, we all still commit this crime - whether or not we express it to the world outwardly or not. So if I DID make any resolutions this year - then they are staying with me :)

However, here are four things I am committing to in 2010 - and I am majorly looking forward to them :) And as a side note, they are in no particular order because obviously Jesus is more important to me than interior decorating.

1) "Renovate" every room in our home
The first goal is to thoroughly organize every single room in our home, and then starting this month, liven up each room in our house with some redecorating. It will be on a tight budget and it will not have guests gasping in amazement, but by June every room will be complete in little ways that make me happier about living in Sacramento. And then, perhaps at my happiest, it will only be a year or two longer before we can sell this house and move somewhere a bit safer and a bit nicer - without ever getting ahead of ourselves in remembering what's important in life.

2) Dig deeper into God's word
What Christian DOESN'T have this resolution, er, I mean COMMITMENT. ;) But it is good to say/type aloud to remember it's importance. It can easily come before other things in my life - ahem, facebook - and I intend to make it more of a priority. I hope this will become apparent in my blog as the Lord grows me.

3) Refuse to compromise when it counts
God has placed a calling on all of our lives - and lately he has all but screamed mine at me. It's all I think about, and there are three projects in 2010 that I am all fueled up and ready to get going. I refuse to compromise and accept "good enough" when it comes to my ministry opportunities and my personal walk with the Lord. I have become brave enough now to be wise in what I do, but to be clear in what God wants from me. I am nervous, yet excited, to see what the Lord reveals when I am 100% obedient to His guidance.

The other end of this is to not be a bulldozer. Events in the past few months have shown that some just don't care when I thought they did. I am prone to conniptions and now I have fresh insight that the true solution just may be that I need to care 300 times more if others are going to care less. But no matter what, I can always practice kindness, gentleness and self-control. God's ambition never includes hurt feelings and squashed friendships.

4) Write letters more
Email and social networking has robbed us of the true blessing of the written word. So many people in my life deserve a quality letter and an "i love you" that wasn't pounded out of a keyboard. And now I have a good excuse to buy more stationary :)

Happy New Year, everyone. This may not be deep and profound, but I am happy with who I am and who I am on the way toward becoming. And what more can I ask for?

Year in Review - Part 1

Ladies and gentlemen!

Hello and welcome to December 30, 2009. While Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day are my favorite holidays, 4th of July and New Year's are my most despised. Especially New Years.

But this year was different. 2008 was my throw up from stress year, full of unpredictability and feeling as if I had no idea where I was stepping next until I was already there.....but 2009 was blessed. Joyful. Victorious. Wonderful.

2009, I love you and am sad to see you go. Here are our fun times as BFFs - this year and me :)


Sam's baby dedication was a happy day. It was one of the first times I held him in my arms confident that we had made it. He was healthy, adorable, and endlessly happy.


And his NICU nurses came too, for a lovely reunion.


Project 365 was not what I expected it to be at all. But I love the memories of it because it is a time where I grew a lot in ministry. This was the spring where we performed a beautiful outreach show, and I officially got my tough skin.


I got to go to Little Rock! To see the Bertholics! And learn to be a more effective missionary! And eat at the world's greatest pizza buffet! I heart Arkansas!


The March of Dimes March for Babies. Go, former preemies, go! Thank you God, for the angels who cared for our little one, and the others who are still living in NICUs today. This is Sam with his cousin Kayla at the Capitol steps after the walk.


My last time working with the C.A.E. kids - and grateful that the Lord provided a strong, competent, loving leader in Alisha for their future <3

We also had our first outreach performing arts summer camp. Oh my goodness. I think I am still tired.


Our return trip to Trinidad. Where my skin got even tougher.


And the team broke my bed :)


This 4th of July was different from the past. This one was pure joy. And I love this picture. ;)


Sam's first birthday. And those who love us.


Warm autumn days at Apple Hill.


Cherishing special moments with family.


Dressing up as pirates = diving into my future of having a little boy.


Sushi, how I love thee.


The oddness that is always the holidays.


Our dear Caribbean friend, Sarita, is here visiting California for the first time right now, ringing in the New Year with us.



Here's to 2010. I'll blog once more before midnight. But here's my almost goodbye, and I am so looking forward to the future. <3