Sunday, June 08, 2014

Truth Telling.

Church today was about happiness, and I was fine with that. I've heard sermons about how happiness doesn't equal peace, how getting stuff doesn't equal contentment, etc. And, just like this morning, King Solomon seems to get dragged into it - a poster child for how love, sex and rock and roll does not a happy person make. 

I think I do pretty well in the happiness department - we own our home and have nice neighbors, we have two kids - a boy and a girl - the American ideal. We both have jobs we love and Iots of friends. I just got a new car and we are going to a church we enjoy. 

I am totally happy. Right?

Then the awesome Ashley who happened to be speaking that day really got under my skin. She kept saying about how God is willing to meet with us. How the creator of the universe is right here waiting to meet with us. How fortunate we are to have God meet with us. 

My heart started pounding and I felt completely embarrassed, even though no one would ever have reason to notice me at all right then, let alone the fact I felt totally ashamed and singled out. 

Because God doesn't meet with me. 

I feel like the kid in class with an empty valentine's day sack. Everyone else is feeling God and experiencing God and I'm over here wishing "everyone else" were me. That either they would agree that we don't really get to meet with God unless we are Noah or something, or that I would be elevated to their level of being able to meet with Him, too. 

I left church with an angry heart. I went home with an angry heart. My day was fine, but deep inside I was still stewing. 

God, WHY won't you meet with me? What is it about me that disgusts you so much that even though you promise in your Word that you will reveal yourself to us, you don't include me in that? 

(Ed. Note: I know this isn't true. But these are my thoughts. They are jerks.) 

I'm not like King Solomon and his quest for happiness and contentment! I don't party. I don't throw away money. I don't seek earthly pleasures over God's will! So why in the world can't I meet with you?! 

You suck, God. 

Then tonight it hit me like a ton of bricks why Ashley's words today were a) so good and b) exactly what I needed to hear. 

God isn't meeting with me because I am not wanting to meet with Him. 

Wait , what? Yes I do! 

No, you don't , Tam. 

Everything I do is through a filter of how I'm going to feel. I've had a good life, but I've also had some key moments where I've been hurt very badly. 

And so, for as long as I can remember , I live my life with the goal of not getting hurt. 

"I'll be your friend but you'll never really know me." 

"Why should I get involved with this when I'm just going to be disappointed?" 

"There's no point in bettering myself when things will just turn to garbage again." 


Oh crud. 

So, I'm apparently more like King Solomon than I initially thought. I love God, but not with my whole heart. I want to make him happy, but I'm so selfish. 

So as i tantrum and scream and fight with myself about being better, I actually get worse.

God "meets" with me by lavishing me with gifts - a healthy ministry, happy children, a comfortable lifestyle - because i don't allow him to meet with me any other way. Like how those missionaries dropped presents to the remote Amazonians because they wanted to express love and kindness without getting a spear in their rear.....I don't trust Gos to not hurt me. 

My prayer for my life has shifted dramatically today. I'm not going to ask God for healing anymore. I am, but not on my terms. Whatever His are ....which will probably involve a lot of tears and going THROUGH pain instead of up or around it. 

But maybe if I can get out of my own way long enough to let God work, then maybe things will feel terrible for awhe and then actually be truly better. 

But my real prayer now is not that God will heal me, but rather that I can meet with Him regardless of whether or not He does. That I can align my heart with his and even if this pain remains for the rest of my life, that I will still want to meet with Him through it above all else. 

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

No, not at all.

People are always telling me that Charlotte is really expressive - I don't see it at all ;)

Friday, June 18, 2010

New Blog

Since I am no longer serving as an AG missionary, I've started a new blog to document our brand new ministry adventures, as well as just day to day blessings in our life.

The past month has been a true example of life unexpected, and yet also life lived to its fullest.

Would love to continue to have you as a reader - leave a comment or email me if you would like the new link <3

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Initially I thought having dance disappear from my life as quickly as a fart in a fan factory would be super traumatizing and make life horribly mundane. But really, even though I miss all of the girls terribly, I am enjoying this sort of planned/sort of unexpected break.

"I almost feel like I am sinning against God - wasting days not doing ministry" I told Frank the other day.

"Well the pace at which you usually live your life is sin, actually" he retorted.

Oh. So you mean God still loves me exactly the same whether or not I burn the candle at both ends? You mean it's okay if I REST? Of course I already knew this logically - but in my heart - it has just been a very, very long time since the term "lazy summer" applied to me, and while things are far from lazy, I am really enjoying the time off.

It feels like I've gone non-stop since elementary school - gosh, I think I actually have. I NEVER went home right after school - I always had to be DOING something, and now God is confirming to me in all kinds of different ways that it's okay to just REST in Him, and to just spend some time being loved and loving & supporting those in my life. I won't do it forever - I will go absolutely crazy if I do - but life is a bit slower now until Royal Stage launch in September, and I am really enjoying the way God is speaking to me as I spend some time just slowing down.

I cleaned our whole house today top to bottom - the exterior of our house is so gross and icky looking - it's lawn lacking and we live next door to drug dealers (very nice drug dealers, don't get me wrong, but still....), but the inside can be okay when I make an effort :) So I cleaned. A lot. It feels good to be getting all cleaned up on the inside - God is cleaning out my heart, and I can clean the house :)

We went to Kayla's 8th grade graduation (she's in high school?! what?! she was ONE YEAR OLD when Frank and I started dating!!!). She goes to a performing arts charter school and they even fed us (which always makes me loyal) ;)

The graduate! :) It was horrendously windy, so Sam's cute sandals & yacht pants ensemble was thwarted with a windbreaker - ah well.

Then I made some big apple cupcakes for the Turning Pointers who left for NY that day. They came out pretty cute.

Yesterday was spent all day with my gorgeous and amazing sister in law, eating crepes and going second hand shop hopping through midtown.

The upcoming week is full of friends and my mom is coming up for a couple of days. Life is fun :) I can definitely get used to this whole idea of rest :)

Thursday, June 10, 2010

More Like Falling In Love

God has made my heart so full the past couple of days - nothing really in life dictates this, except His goodness and the way He always provides. Sometimes I struggle to describe the passion I have for God without being "wordy" or like a zealot, and sometimes I mess up what He blesses me with. But right now, I feel like I am walking right in step with Him, and that feels amazing.

I heard this song on the radio today. It really put my heart right now into words. So awesome - I hope this guy gets lots of air play.

More Like Falling In Love
- Jason Gray

Give me rules
I will break them
Give me lines
I will cross them
I need more than a truth to believe
I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes
To sweep me off my feet
It ought to be

More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
It’s like I’m falling, oh
It’s like I’m falling in love

Give me words
I’ll misuse them
I’ll misplace them
‘Cause all religion ever made of me
Was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet
It never set me free
It’s gotta be


…It’s like I’m falling in love, love, love
Deeper and deeper
It was love that made
Me a believer
In more than a name, a faith, a creed
Falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me

Saturday, June 05, 2010

Summer Unexpected

I would like everyone who prays, to pray for me today if you have time. And, whatever God decides, my will or not, that you will then proceed to rejoice - because God is good. Even when we may not understand Him, and even when things hurt and don't make sense. Sometimes we can have grand or good intentioned plans - and when those are executed, they do not end up anything like we hoped.

Obviously I am talking about something bigger here, but I will go with a more light-hearted example instead:

Today Frank, Sam and I packed up the cooler and went to meet Myriah and Greg halfway for a picnic. We chose a park that we would both have to drive an equal distance to get to, and when we got there - the park was completely overtaken with a special event.....

The African American Association Juneteenth Celebration

Needless to say, we did not blend in well, but we still joyously had a picnic and supported the central valley's black community by purchasing some overpriced frozen treats.

Good times.

So, this summer is not going to be anything what I expected. But, I am still looking forward to a lot of things that will warrant major rejoicing - and even if these things work out as well expected as our picnic that was hijacked by soul food and volunteer fire fighters, it is still going to be a lot of fun!

Hawaii! July 16!

Sam turns 2! Also July 16!

Renting a beach house with my besties for my birthday! August!

Non-profit starting! September!

Life is good, life is fun - I will embrace my treasured friends, look forward to making new ones, and just try my best to have joy <3

Monday, May 24, 2010

The Commotion of Devotion

So this weekend we took a mini-trip to the bay area to spend time with family, and it was a nice break - a chance to rest (thank you mom!) and recharge. Frank and I spent Thursday morning in a meeting that brought healing and clarity to the situation that was upsetting me so much last week. I know one thing is for certain - God will guide those who really seek Him and desire to be guided by Him. Otherwise, He will just leave you the heck alone. I am glad He isn't leaving me alone and bugging me constantly to work things out according to what He wants.

Dance starts again tomorrow. It's a bittersweet time of ministry - definitely my least favorite. It's difficult when participants don't come back because of life changes, anxiety-filling not knowing if anyone will show up at all, and daunting meeting new people. But it always ends up being great after all is said and done, so I know I need to have an August mentality rather than a May one.

Life is about to be a crazy commotion again - especially with the furthering of the "big plans" and I just got asked to prepare a drama class for Mosaic. Fun! But I will be tired!

The weather here has been so nice - it's identical to Santa Clara, which is really weird this time of year. I am loving it. This weekend we took Sam to Happy Hollow - a bay area childhood staple that I have never, ever been to. Better late than never I suppose!

He really loved it and wore his new hat

Got kissed by a cow

Washed goats

And we made my mom really, really mad with this temporary tattoo. It has nothing to do with going to Happy Hollow, but it was pretty funny.