A Hurting Heart 101

If you are a long time reader of my blog, you know that when I was in college, I received a healing from God. In my 20+ (oh my gosh, wow, really- yep, since I was 8) years of dealing with this mess, there was a night where the Lord really met me and a group of praying friends. It literally felt that night as if Satan's best taunters and teasers packed up camp and left out the front door. Since then I have never been hospitalized again, I've rarely been on medication, and my life has been healthy enough to hold down jobs, lead a ministry, have a happy marriage and be a mom.

But to say there haven't been struggles would be a big whopping lie. There are still countless days that I have to fight with my entire being to get out of bed. There is still a sting from relationships that have long been dead in the grave due to things I did. Sometimes friendships fade or grow apart, and sometimes it's like its heads are chopped off because you angered someone to the point of no return. That's what happens - people don't understand, you don't dare explain, and then you drag around this carcass of regret everywhere you go. For the stupid things you said, the stupid things you did, etc.

Stupid Facebook. I hate you.

One evening several weeks ago, one of my dancers came up to me, excitedly telling me some story about something in her life, but her lead in was "hey remember that time you had cuts all over your arms and you couldn't remember how they got there?"

My heart sank that I had played dumb that day, and even though it was probably more than appropriate she will never know the truth, it is still such a burden to hide so often.

When people pray for me, they often ask God to help me find the "root of the issue", and sometimes I pray for that, too. And other times I just accept and embrace the fact that I have a medical condition that others around me do not, and that just like a stuffy nose or a sprained ankle - sometimes my brain clogs or breaks, and there is nothing I can do except wait it out and try to ignore everything I'm feeling.

I have had some wild things happen to me in my life - I understand that certain traumas or incidents can throw one further down into darkness...but this is different. It's been with me forever. This dark cloud that doctors call clinical and pew warmers call unconfessed sin. And someday, when I stand before God, I'll probably learn it's somewhere in between.

Until then, I will just continue to stuff and stuff things down, and while I'll always hope for the opportunity to talk and pray with someone, it's just too hard now to confide in problem solvers or sit with someone who just plain thinks I am a crazy whiner.

But in case someone else is reading this who is hurting too.....know that I understand. And it all totally bites.

And if you're the friend or family member of someone like me - I have no good advice. I can't ever bring myself to Google the pain and unfairness of mental illness.

So....just tell them you love them.