April Redeemed

April has been, to put it lightly, a crappy month thus far. I had high hopes for April. The opening of Cinderella Reimagined, the prospect of beginning to expand our family again, a relaxing weekend in the bay area.....

So far, I will not be touching ground in the bay area any time soon. I just went back on birth control for another month. And my depression & anxiety has come back with full force. Like a violent tsunami blowing away the restoration and healing I received in college, drowning me down with panic attacks, violent bouts of darkness and sadness, self injury habits coming back into play....

To this I all say - Satan, give me a freaking break. Can't you do better than this? Don't you think I know by now that you LOOOOVE to mess with our spring show - stress me out the week prior to the point where I am in tears all the time and wonder why we even bother? Make it seem like a tiny, meaningless thing amidst a huge ocean of other ministry endeavors?

Don't you think I know how you just love to play up my depression, my panic attacks, my puny self esteem....

It's only April 11th. The month is still young, and I know there is time for it to be redeemed. I am counting on you, God, for a few things:

1) That people who received the outreach tickets will actually show up to the performances and that lives will be changed. Impacted. Saved.

2) That the actors and dancers will not be flawless, but be good - good at what they do to the point that others will want to do it too, and our summer programs will be blessed with new participants and that audience members will leave feeling hope and satisfaction over what they just saw.

3) That I can go home in May. And see family, friends, and good healthy rest.

I am counting on you Jesus. I am not going to worry anymore. Thanks for loving me.