Fueling Up At The Right Station

I read this quote today, "The religious artist seeking to create great art must begin by disregarding his every concern for propriety."

It's from John Shore's blog - he's my kind of Christian - blunt, provocative in his topics, yet loving and totally, 100% saved. And you know who else is like that? My kind of Jesus. Instance after instance in the Bible, we see the Lord's bluntness, his fearlessness against the tough stuff - and He also hugs children and prostitutes and has complete confidence in His Heavenly Father.

It dropped upon me like an anvil this morning during my quiet time that I have been too concerned about propriety. I have been looking to others for the approval in my art - in my dance, my writing, my chances to speak up - I do it all for God, but I think in a subconscious part of my mind, I also do it for a handful of other people's approval. The thought made me sick. I try to be blunt, provocative and loving. Sometimes I succeed, and sometimes I do not - but to realize just how strongly I look to the approval of others, and how now that one of those key people have totally, 100% failed me and I am left with this brittle skeleton of self-esteem and assurance of the road ahead......well.....

I have given a "preliminary resignation." That's my naming of it - a statement I made after a lot of prayer that after August, I will walk away from the positions in ministry I have been given, until I can come to a way and understanding of being able to do things on only God's terms without being stifled or frowned upon.

It's scary. Really scary. And of course there are things that can change my heart - God, first of all, compelling me to stick around. Or the individuals around me committing to act more biblically in the future - and I of course need to work on that more myself. There's a lot of grey, and will continue to be until the end of the summer. God can heal anything, and He can do anything - so we will just have to wait and see!

But as for now - I am not going to give a concrete answer on anything except this:

I need more of my Jesus than ever before, and I am determined to stick by Him and learn more about His character and love for me and others. I don't care where I go to church, what people say about me, or what they try to pin upon me - I am just going to be walking with my God.