It's Like an Island

I don't think very many people read this blog, and so I suppose this entry is my own personal purge - though enough people read it that I'm keeping it public because maybe - someone will feel less alone.

It's a terrible thing that you never get over, you know? Everyone has different ways of dealing with it, and my way has been to be creative. But sometimes I write, dance, sing at the top of my lungs - and it's like a toxin that never leaves my body. The levels go down, but it's always there, just waiting to come up again. I don't know what started it - I know things that intensify it, but I can't give you a root date.

Sometimes it's the little things - the smell of a certain cologne, the sound of zippers, the clang of metal bars, a hang up call. And sometimes it is just a feeling of feeling so dang alone, even with the best of friends, having my husband's great family, and having my wonderful mom, sister and cousins.

There are cravings for restoration, flashes of memories playing like a broken movie - the brain works and then the brain doesn't - and I can climb and climb out of the pit....get on top of it all, slam down the trap door, and somehow I just fall through again.

Sometimes I claim red tears instead of regular ones - and while I don't go there often, when I do - I really do. It makes me feel better sometimes - but never for very long, and I know this.

I need validation for things that have happened. I need to know which way is up - I've been falling down the rabbit hole forever. love my life - I am grateful for all I have - but sometimes this just hurts so much.