Cemented Down

Tomorrow Alta Regional is coming to evaluate Sam. He was supposed to have this evaluation 4 months ago, and we've gotten away with not having it due to scheduling conflicts and the blessed fact that their offices are just swamped.

This is the state program that all Kaiser preemies are referred to for follow up services. All of Sam's therapy comes through Jabbergym, which is funded by Alta Regional. Sam was small enough and early enough when he was born that this is provided to him free of charge. For most premature infants born in 2008 and prior, these services are provided regardless of income level until the school district takes over if necessary around age 4.

Recently they received budget cuts like everyone else, and there was a huge restructure. We are now caught between a rock and a hard place - Sam very much needs his therapy still, and yet he does not need it so much that he is in the bottom 9% of babies his gestational age. Of course, I would rather see these services go to kids who continue to struggle in ways far beyond what Sam ever did. There are autistic children, severely handicapped children - kids who don't even have an awareness about them. Premature birth is a devastating thing for a lot of families, and even though Sam struggles, he is the happiest boy on earth and we are grateful for that.

His services can all be pulled tomorrow, and that is heart wrenching because as cute and happy as he is, he cannot walk and talk. There is such little progress in these areas - it is scary. Oh, I know he will do these things someday, but it would be nice to have him at least somewhat on track, and right now he is far behind.

Therapy is always provided privately if we wish, but little Sam, I am so sorry, mommy and daddy just cannot swing the cost of it right now. We all want the best for you, and to give you every chance you can get in living a normal life - but it is just too darn expensive.

I know right after typing that, I am going to pick up extra articles and other side jobs, doing everything I can and never sleeping so you CAN get the therapy you need. I am not going to allow the continual meltdown of California get in the way of you receiving what you need.

But it's going to be really, really tough. We will get there - I know we will - but it might mean mom will have to quit dance and ministry for awhile so she can get a full time job with a larger paycheck again.

I have a referral letter from Sam's pediatrician that I will give to Norma tomorrow for his speech therapy evaluation, and I am going to just pray my hardest that either he qualifies for continued services, or he does so well on his testing that they assure me he is going to be okay. That my stupid body did not cause damage to him that is just going to make him continue to struggle through life.

I am frustrated and sad. But I know my God is good and will provide. So I will keep praying.

Sweet Saturday

Today we had no plans. This never happens. Seriously never.

We ran errands and hung out. I got to cook dinner.

There was time for taking Christmas card pictures, and plenty of time to rest.

It made me grateful for when I'm not traveling, or at dance practice, or hitting article deadlines. I love all of those things, but it was nice to have a Saturday of nothing.

Except autumn leaves and eskimo kisses with my little boy.

Oh, For Pete's Sake!

When I was little, my Italian grandmother would yell this in my general direction whenever I did something ridiculous and irrational. Usually it would be the result of a tantrum over something I didn’t want to be involved in (cleaning, eating a certain food, etc.) or if I did something so absurd that there were no other words and they had better go grab a camera.

I never really thought about where this phrase came from, until several months ago when I became an avid fan of Peter in the Bible. While there are great kings and prophets throughout the old and new testaments – plenty of people to truly be admired – there is one thing that really draws me to Peter.

He was so totally forgiven at the peak of not deserving it.

Peter was a fisherman who couldn’t keep his mouth shut. I hate fishing, but I sure do understand the whole dilemma of words coming out faster than my brain can catch. Peter spoke his mind, and yet at the same time, worried a lot about what people thought about him. I think his life resounds heavily with my outlook on the world, as it probably does with many girls just trying to figure out who they are, what they want – and who their friends were.

Peter knew 100% that his number one compadre was Jesus. They hung out, probably had endless inside jokes, and Peter was definitely part of the Savior’s inner circle. He had a luxury that Christians today don’t have – he got to physically hug Jesus, hear the actual physical sound of Christ’s voice, and see one of history’s greatest and most controversial individuals live the most poignant part of His life.

And yet, out of great fear, he went on to deny he knew Jesus three times before he was crucified.

Oops.

If one of my best friends were about to be brutally murdered in front of a large, blood thirsty audience, I would hope I’d have the cajones to at least acknowledge their existence in their time of need. But again, fear of what people think, and what people have the power to do – it can be overwhelming.

So anyway, fast forward to the whole resurrection thing. Let me tell you that if one of my BFFs betrayed me and I went through all the trouble of coming back from the dead, then I would make it a point to let her know she is no longer on my team. I would be wounded with a girl hurt that, as any girl knows, outlasts any vindictive spirit known to humankind.

But what did the good old J.C. do? He makes a concerted effort pretty much right off the bat to tell Peter he loves him. And not only does he do that, but he makes it a PUBLIC DECLARATION. It wasn’t a disgruntled, “yeah I guess we’re cool,” reconciliation – it was in front of Peter’s friends and those who probably judged him pretty harshly and didn’t have very nice things to say about him at this point.
When Jesus died and the men who had given up the fishing trade to follow him decided to go fishing one evening to probably get their minds off of everything, I kind of doubt that Peter was openly invited. Things were probably a tad awkward.
But when Jesus came, he made it clear that Peter was still a standup guy.

How could this be? How could Peter have screwed up so badly and then have the Savior of the universe want to be by his side?

There is logic to forgiveness – to a point. But there is absolutely zero logic to the crucifixion and resurrection, which is what, makes it so spectacular.
Just as Peter denied Jesus three times, God asked Peter if he loved him three separate times at this special post-resurrection breakfast. According to the original Greek, some Bible scholars say that the language Peter chose to respond “yes” showed hesitation and reservation.

Peter felt shame. Peter felt as if he wasn’t good enough. Peter wanted to serve God so badly, but felt he had screwed up so deeply.

And yet Jesus chooses Peter to do great, tremendous things for the Early Church that still live on today.

Jesus’ love for Peter was a passionate love. An illogical, cross-inspired love that truly makes my head explode when I even think about it.

Peter didn’t DESERVE to be forgiven. And neither do we.

But we are. And that is so fantastic.

What do you think happens after you die? And what do you think about your life here on Earth? That first question is something that obviously involves a lot more prayer and discussion for some (if you want my not so hidden opinion, let me know!) but as for the latter….

You are loved. You are cherished. No matter what you’ve done or who has wronged you or who you have or continue to wrong – Jesus adores you and not only thinks you are good enough to be loved – He thinks you’re good enough to live a brilliant and blessed life.

Go read John 21 after you’ve read Mark 14. Go soak in God's crazy love.

And It Rained Ball Gowns Like Manna From Heaven

When I decided we were going to make Cinderella our spring outreach in 2010, a lot of the girls got over the top excited. I regretted agreeing to it, because my first thought was, "wow this is going to be hard on our little budget."

The show requires so many costumes that just don't come cheap - mice, a dog, a cat, and lots and lots of ball gowns. I hate recruiting boys for Turning Point. When we first started the ministry, we had 5 guys, and it has fluctuated between three and zero per show ever since then. It's tough to find straight guys with rhythm who want to dance. So I told the girls that we would have a "bring your own boy" night, where whoever found a dance partner, they could do the formal waltz in the play.

Well, BYOB spread like wild fire throughout the church. It has turned into a Sadie Hawkins dance around here, girls asking guys, agonizing over who to ask (this goes for the adults too! i am not going to lay blame on just the teens!) and everyone has just gone nuts. Suddenly almost everyone managed to find aforementioned required male, and now we have over 20 girls in the ballroom dance scene, when I was planning for more like 8.

I looked online forever - dresses are just expensive. Especially since more than anything, I was lusting after that ultra-formal poofy look from Cinderella's day. So I prayed.

I prayed some more.

Today I had an appointment with Alexandria's in downtown Roseville. They rent out ball gowns for around $120 per day. We would need them for two weeks minimum, times 20 dresses......yikes.

But it turns out that the owner is a Christian and got excited about what we're doing outreach wise, and she is donating dresses to us!!! All of them for a very small fee, including petticoats and hoop skirts for the "poof"! At cost, the dresses and underskirts would have been $9600. We are getting everything for basically free.

Sometimes miracles just fall into my lap. Frank said that it's because I work hard. I think it's just because God likes me. Either way, I am giving a big WOOT! to the man upstairs for making my life 10 gazillion times easier today.

Love His Grace

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me

I once was lost but now I'm found
Was blind but now I see so clearly

Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me
Hallelujah, all my stains are washed away, washed away

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear

The hour I first believed

Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me

Hallelujah, all my stains are washed away, washed away

When we've been there ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun

We've no less days to sing Your praise
Than when we first begun

It's Like an Island

I don't think very many people read this blog, and so I suppose this entry is my own personal purge - though enough people read it that I'm keeping it public because maybe - someone will feel less alone.

It's a terrible thing that you never get over, you know? Everyone has different ways of dealing with it, and my way has been to be creative. But sometimes I write, dance, sing at the top of my lungs - and it's like a toxin that never leaves my body. The levels go down, but it's always there, just waiting to come up again. I don't know what started it - I know things that intensify it, but I can't give you a root date.

Sometimes it's the little things - the smell of a certain cologne, the sound of zippers, the clang of metal bars, a hang up call. And sometimes it is just a feeling of feeling so dang alone, even with the best of friends, having my husband's great family, and having my wonderful mom, sister and cousins.

There are cravings for restoration, flashes of memories playing like a broken movie - the brain works and then the brain doesn't - and I can climb and climb out of the pit....get on top of it all, slam down the trap door, and somehow I just fall through again.

Sometimes I claim red tears instead of regular ones - and while I don't go there often, when I do - I really do. It makes me feel better sometimes - but never for very long, and I know this.

I need validation for things that have happened. I need to know which way is up - I've been falling down the rabbit hole forever. love my life - I am grateful for all I have - but sometimes this just hurts so much.

Home Okay Home

Home Sweet Home it is not...but it has gone from Home Cruddy Home to Home Okay Home...which is a major improvement from the adjectives I've used in the past. Sacramento, here is your official apology. I judged you too soon, and I've judged you harshly. Now that it's autumn and the weather has cooled enough that I can work things out with you rationally, you really aren't half bad.

Tonight I went out for Greek food with a group of friends, and for the first time in a long time, it felt like I had roots. I had memories with these ladies, I couldn't find the restaurant right away, but knew the streets well enough that I could figure it out even with Minerva the GPS gone, and I came home not feeling empty and homesick for the bay area.

It was a nice change.

This past Saturday, I threw an autumn brunch for some of my best friends, and I think it may become a tradition. I tried some new recipes, made centerpieces, and had a fun mix of bay area and Sacramento family and friends. It was a beautiful day for Catalina chicken and red velvet cupcakes, and I hope people enjoyed themselves!


Sam got to play with Aunt Karen


Connie came up from the bay area, and it was so nice to see her. I'm looking forward to ice skating and sushi in a couple weeks!


More friends.


And more.


One more :)

My mom and sister were there too, and I am not sure why I didn't get pictures of them. It was a good day, and Sam was ready to call more party guests and tell them to come on over after everything started to die down.



It feels good and normal and stable living here - my bay area life will always be a big part of me, but it is comforting to know there are roots here now too.

Facebook in Real Life

This cracked me up.

A Penny For Your Thoughts

I try to live my life with honesty, integrity, and quality. Sometimes I succeed, and a lot of times I am just so busy that when I am finally home with nothing to do, I turn into a bum on the couch eating frosting and watching Dr. Oz.

I really want to be the best mother I can be. The best Christian I can be. The best friend I can be. The best wife I can be.

So....a penny for your thoughts? After you read this post, leave a comment with something magical you know about any of these areas. Maybe a game that you remember playing with your kids at 15 months that I can introduce into Sam's life. Maybe a favorite book. A personal quote that keeps you on track. Perhaps a favorite recipe.

I'd love to see what everyone comes up with - I have such a diverse tapestry of people in my life. It could quickly turn into a beautiful collection.

Obsession

I just will never understand why, with dozens of toys, Sam is obsessed with pushing the buttons on the TV and DVD player. It's the ONE place he isn't allowed to go, and it's all he thinks about and aims for in life right now.

I just will never understand why, with countless movies to choose from, Frank always chooses the gory ones that gross me out and force me to leave the room. (Well actually I do - I talk too much during movies...)

I just will never understand why, even though I'm an adult and shouldn't it care, it hurts so much when someone does something inconsiderate without explanation. It shouldn't bother me so much at this point in life - but maybe that is just the bummer about being a girl - you never really outgrow it.

MJ and a Robbery

Last night, the fabulous Nichole took Sam for the night so Frank and I could go on a date. Sam is a great restaurant kid - he loves going out to eat - but we have never taken him to a movie so to do "dinner and a movie" was a rare treat.

Frank's been wanting to go to one of our favorite sushi places in Sac, and since I hate going to the movies, I picked the Michael Jackson movie because I like MJ and I like dancing. Go ahead and laugh at me for going to it - but it was pretty good stuff.

I was blown away at how humble and kind he was. He's there with this endless budget and plenty of sparkling lights and MJ fanfare on his sets, and he is just so sweet and "God bless you"s everyone from his dancers to his manager. To see someone so famous, so accomplished, and treated so badly by so many over the years - come across as so accommodating and loving to all he works with - it was a very good lesson to remember.

It inspired me to think before I speak at arts rehearsals - remembering that just because I understand something well, does not mean the person I am interacting with does. And just because in my mind I know what I want and how something should work - it doesn't mean it is simple or reasonable or tangible to the person in charge of actually doing it, be it a sound technician, media guy or very beginner performer.

So as I left the movie theater with this renewed sense of the importance of kindness, patience and grace - we find my car window smashed to bits and my GPS stolen. My first impulse was to whine. I had just gotten it for my birthday not even 3 months ago, and I get lost EVERYWHERE I go. It had been a total godsend and now some punk kid who was bored had stolen it just for the heck of it. They didn't take the charger, mount, or any other part - just ripped off the actual GPS to probably swap it for some video games.

Then we talked to the theater security guard who didn't even know which police department to call. We are in an unincorporated area of Sacramento, and so our services fall in both counties, and this dude had no idea what to do. He just kept shaking his head and commenting on what a bad neighborhood the movie theater was in as he did a crappy job sweeping glass out of my car.

Again, I wanted to get angry and snap "So what are you - an undercover samurai or something? What do you do when a real crime happens if you don't even know what stupid police station takes care of our region?!"

But I decided again to just choose patience and love, even though it was hard and I felt hurt.

So now I am GPS-less and we drove Sam to his doctor's appointment this morning with plastic on my window. The repair is going to cost us money we don't have, and it's a huge inconvenience on a day when Frank wanted to spend a lot of time at a woodworking convention and I was looking forward to just relaxing and cooking for my brunch tomorrow.

But....

"He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely. Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified."

- Galatians 5:22-23(MSG)

However I should note, just in case my robber wasn't a ghetto 15 year old from the other side of the train tracks, I will be watching Craigslist and if I find my GPS on there...I may not be so gracious.

I guess I am not completely reformed. God is still working on me.

Joy

Life right now is only joy.

Forever Young

When you are a child, adults seem ancient and regal - everything is figured out.

When you are a teenager, adults seem stupid and don't know anything about everything. And yet you still need them and depend on them for a lot, because they have everything figured out.

And when that grand moment of adulthood comes, you realize how much of a child you still feel, and as more time passes - you still feel just the same. Sure, your independence grows and you handle things more maturely - but really does anyone ever feel like a grown up?

The bible says that in order to get into the kingdom of heaven, we must have faith like little children. (Matthew 18:1-4)

Sometimes I wonder if the reason we never really will feel "grown up" is because God wants us to be childlike for Him. Though we get jobs, pay bills, have children ourselves - there is still a part of us that always feels so small - and if we allow Him too, he naturally brings that comfort to us like an unconditional loving parent.

Just my little thought today as I am in my 20s, and feel both desperately old and impossibly young.

Tiny Tempest Warta

The temper tantrums started this week.

Now, I'm not going to claim a hurricane when it was only a drizzle - but for happy go lucky Sam to pitch a fit about anything - it took me by surprise.

The best (and suckiest) part about being Sam's mom is when I lament to a friend or family member about Sam's recent entry into the world of tantrums, they just roll their eyes at me, or show mock sympathy as if I am lying. Attempting that Munchhausen syndrome thing on my child - only with tantrums instead of terminal illness.

So with his sweet smiles and model child behavior in public, Sam still has the world wrapped around his little finger. But this week, he has me wrapped up in the fetal position in bed during his nap times because I am so stinking tired.

One thing I will say about Sam's new willful nature - it is blissfully short lived. He's a visual child, meaning that any bad mood can be cured in 3 seconds with a song or a picture book. So I guess I shouldn't complain. I've yet to get a disdainful look from a stranger in the middle of the grocery store, and that should count for something, right?

The other thing I've learned this week is the beauty of preparedness. Frank and I have a casual parenting mantra of "never let them win", and I'm super glad that was established. We never butt heads with discipline or rules - and while I know we most definitely will someday, and quite possibly soon, I am blessed to be married to someone who agrees with the mentality that children need structure, honesty, and love.

I've also learned to appreciate my faith in a whole new way. I can type till I'm blue in the face about how Christianity has more historical backing than any other religion, and how it isn't even really ABOUT religion as much as it is a personal relationship with Christ...but it all becomes proven and real when my child starts to kick me and scream when he is taken away from the sticker chest at physical therapy, and when I pray with him, he is instantly soothed.

You can't explain to a 15 month old why he can't play with or have ALL of the stickers in the treasure chest, and you also cannot explain to him about God and His love. But for some reason, prayer still works, and prayer still yields a response.

It's okay buddy, I don't understand the comfort and healing love he brings either. Sometimes I throw temper tantrums when I don't get what exactly what I want in this world too. But I am sure glad He is there for us both.

When You Think You Have No One - Be Grateful

My great aunt Bruna died last week. She was the most vibrant, alert, HILARIOUS 100 year old I have ever known. She told the greatest stories and had me in stitches during the handful of times I saw her as an adult.

When I was a child, she was a typical old lady relative - awkward hugs, wet kisses, the ever faithful 20 dollars in the birthday card every year, always accidentally calling me by my sister's name at family get togethers.

As an adult, I saw her differently - someone who was not a burden to visit with in the least. Someone who was wise and had a lot to teach me. Someone who embodied my Italian heritage and who I hoped would live to be 200. On every lazy weekend we had this summer, I said to myself - we really should take the baby up to the city to see Auntie this weekend. But ah well, there is always next weekend.

Only there wasn't.

I never told her how fabulous she was at 90. I never told her how fantastic she was at 100. But she was the first relative I hoped would RSVP to my wedding, and I always asked my mom if she would be coming down with the other Italians for our sporatic tradition of cold cuts, baked ziti and yelling at my father.

Before she passed, she told my cousin that she didn't want to have a funeral because she didn't have anybody left.

Wait hang on a second, excuse me? You don't have anybody left? But you are hilarious, bright, witty and vibrant. And above all else, you are on a hand bell team! If hand bells is anything like dance, you should feel awesome, alive and full of social camaraderie after a good round of hand bell playing.....

But again - I never expressed to her how fabulous I thought she was. And now I am wondering if anybody did, or if they just assumed she knew?

My sister said it best on her facebook:

Rebecca Hassinger R.I.P. Auntie Bruna. You said you didn't have anybody. You were wrong.

She had a lot of fans. And now she'll never know.

This is just another addition to a long line of reminders that we should always tell the people in our lives how much we love them. I wasn't particularly close to auntie - I saw her maybe seven times in adulthood - but next time it might be someone i AM close to - my sister, a best friend, my mother, my child.....and I would never want them to have the burden of saying they didn't have anybody.

During a leadership meeting at dance, one of the teens mentioned how she has a paper heart I gave her at a rehearsal three years ago taped to her bathroom mirror. She sees the encouragement on it every day and she doesn't take it down. Other girls jumped in with little trinkets and gifts I had brought in for the dancers and they have kept for years with no intention of throwing away. I was awestruck that they had kept these mementos - some of which I don't even recall making.

Never underestimate the power of gratitude.

I tucked a package of thank you notes into my purse today before church. I will work thankfulness into my life more and more.

You never know the difference it might make.

Auntie Bruna did get to meet Sam before she left us. He was far too small to ever remember, but here they are - the year that they turned 1 and 100, respectively.

I've Got to Keep Your Faith, Baby

When I was little, I loved the short (very short) story found in the back of Highlights magazine. It would substitute words in a sentence with pictures, so you would learn to identify objects that were important to that story.

For example:

I am in love with a boy named . I think that is one of the most remarkable people I have ever met, and yet when it comes to 's life, we are still struggling to see the complete picture.

One of the lessons life teaches you as parents is how to be afraid. It also teaches you how to be incessantly joyful, to count your blessings, and instill within you a great desire to start family traditions and happily stay home on Friday nights. But it also forces you to be afraid in many new ways. When Sam was born, we got a crash course in that lesson.

Our son has these big blue eyes that just reach into my chest and turn my heart into putty. They are usually full of life, but they are also often intensely observant of the world around him. And sometimes, though fortunately not very often, they just seem vacant.

It's this split of 45% happy toddler, 50% intense observation and 5% vacancy that cause Frank and I to tag team driving the worry train. What will Sam grow up to be? Will he be special needs because of his prematurity? Will he catch up with his little contemporaries we meet at the playground and learn to walk and talk soon?

Does any of it even really matter?

As parents we get so caught up in milestones, education, and the importance of being "acceptable", that sometimes it can be easy to lose track of the beauty found within those blue eyes and just thank God for all Sam is.

He is extremely well behaved for an almost 16 month old. People beg to babysit him, and sometimes we don't like to share.



He is exploring the world at his own pace. Some may find it slow - I choose to view it as savoring every moment. I respect my baby for having the ability to suck the marrow out of life and take his sweet time. He has his entire life ahead of him - who needs to have conversations right now?



His father is his hero, and makes an excellent transportation system. Why walk when you have your own rocket ship?



He's full of friendliness and compassion. Even though he is still so young, you can see how kind he is going to be.



With the exception of today, where he chose to spend all of his time in the whine zone, he is usually so happy and content. He is just a really good, sweet kid that doesn't give us any trouble. He can also drench our bathroom with one good splash.



He is tiny, but mighty.



Today I choose not to worry about learning disabilities, developmental delays, or the potential for future surgeries. I will dwell instead on thoughts of playground jaunts, Elmo songs and sharing an early morning cuddle.

Because no matter how Sam turns out, he has taught me about true love. Just as our Heavenly Father loves us perfectly with our imperfections, Sam will be loved by our shaky, imperfect love.

And he will be blessed.

With Visions of Future Adventures Dancing in My Head

Next month, we are going to Florida to celebrate Frank's parents' 40th wedding anniversary. (Either we are getting old or they got married when they were 12....). This summer, we are going to New York and probably Hawaii. And in 2011, it looks like we might take the dancers to Australia, which would complete my "go to all the continents by the time I'm 30" goal - just in time!

Right now you might be thinking - "wow! I know someone who has been to Antarctica?!" No, actually you do not. Sorry to disappoint. I suppose I should restructure my goal with a clause that mentions I only want to go to continents where ice readily melts during a reasonable portion of the year without global warming helping it along. Antarctica is excluded from the party, because Antarctica looks mighty chilly and I like to be warm.

ANYWAY, I feel so blessed to have a husband that likes to travel as much as I do, and I am hoping that Sam will be the same way. So far his "big adventures" span from Reno to Los Angeles, but I think he will get a kick out of his upcoming excursions.

It got me thinking about everything else I want to do in life - the other adventures I want to experience - and when I sat down to make a list, I realized it isn't all too long. I feel so very fortunate that my life (and God!) allows me to do the things I want to do - and that I have an amazing husband and son to share them with.

My Final Five

1. Publish a book. This one has always been a big deal - on the top of every goal list, the forefront of every dream - and yet completely pushed aside for "real life" responsibilities. That's one of the reasons I am doing NaBloPoMo - I want to limber up and make this goal a reality. One thing that has been consistent my entire life, even with those who absolutely despise me, is people telling me I am a pretty decent writer. I'm hoping to prove this to myself in 2011.

2. Visit all of the Disney parks. I have so many incredible memories from Disneyland, and we visited Disney World for our honeymoon. Seriously one of my favorite places on earth. Now I've got Paris, Tokyo and Hong Kong to go! I am really, really excited to complete this goal. And I am pretty sure as Sam gets older, he'll be a big fan of it :)

3. Swim with dolphins & cuddle a koala. I am not the biggest animal lover. I used to be way into animals when I was younger, namely dolphins and horses, but now I just kind of think that animals are tasty. However, I still burst into tears whenever I see one hurt or in distress so I guess I still do have a lot of compassion and love for them. Either way, I really want to swim with dolphins because I think it would be so healing and fun....and cuddle a koala because - okay seriously!:

4. Find a permanent solution. To depression. I got my mother's eyes and my father's chemical imbalance, and sometimes it feels like the most painful thing on earth. Through the healing strength of the Lord it's gotten better than it used to be, but there are some days where I just. don't. want. to. get. out. of. bed. People always try to find solutions - it's dance stress, it's family stress, it's being too busy - but the truth is I have wonderful friends, Frank's family is so lovely to have living close to us, and life is just good - sometimes my body just doesn't feel very good

5. Lead people to Christ. I've already accomplished this in the past so it probably shouldn't be on a "goal list" per say, but it's the most important thing on my heart list. I want to purpose my life toward more of this - through forming a creative arts non-profit where people can learn about a LOVING God and create worship and experience Him. To love people as Christ loved, and to overcome all of the propoganda spewed by the stereotypical Christian that is then exaggerated times a million by the media and secularists. I desire to see the heart of God for his people restored to a reasonable viewpoint here at home - and I long to see miracles.

Na Blo Po Mo.....So? Yo.

My friend Connie is exactly nine months older than me. When we were in middle school, she would scream, "Do you know what YOUR parents were doing when I was born??" Ew.

Anyway, Connie has always been one step ahead of me in life - first date, first kiss, first marriage (just kidding! We're both still on our first :), first baby, etc. etc. So it's probably no surprise that she found out about National Blog Posting Month before me, told me about it, and now here I am back in my lifelong poser stance, starting out as a member on November 5th. Lame sauce.

But I still think it's a great idea to blog once a day for a month, and I am doing it for one reason and one reason only - because I am finally limbering up my brain and typing fingers to finish that book, and just like how it's hard to build physical endurance without exercising, it's difficult to well when you are not reading and writing!

So here I am faithfully every day for a month minus five. So here - clicky clicky if you care to join along.



And I'll see ya tomorrow!

A Rough Start to a Beautiful Month

This blog can start off with a huge praise - Sam's second hypospadias surgery was today. This is surgery # 4 for our litle guy, and he had one more almost definite in the pipe - so we went to Kaiser this morning with a "halfway done!" attitude and trying to remain positive.

Today went so smoothly - the admitting nurses were amazing to Sam, he was flirting it up with them, and he hit it off so well with his anesthesiologist that they didn't even wheel him away in a hospital crib - he just carried Sam in like they were old buddies. It was nice to feel such confidence in those who were going to be in the operating room.

The 3-4 hour surgery went by more quickly than expected, and Dr. Huang (hero!) came out with the GREAT news that Sam won't need any more surgeries! Wahoo!

So today, we are praising God for that big time. Thank you so much to everyone who prayed for him this morning. He is pretty uncomfortable right now - sitting like a stoned sack of potatoes in front of an Elmo DVD - but I know it won't do any harm for him to watch excessive TV for a few days while he recovers, poor guy!

Yesterday at church a few of us put together a dance for missions emphasis month. I am in love with how it turned out. It was more "artsy" than we usually do - most people at church loved it, and I just loved the freedom in the choreography and wonderful Maureen and Rachael sang for us. Lame that they didn't make it into the video :(



Halloween week was super fun. I made Frank and Sam some spooky foods.


Skeleton cupcakes


Not so scary monster cupcakes


Pile of bones breadsticks


Candy corn pizza - which looked like regular pizza because even though I had a piece of candy corn RIGHT next to me, I still did the white cheese on the wrong end. Ah well.


Sweet potato filled "pumpkins"

For Halloween, Sam was the world's happiest scarecrow


We went to our church's harvest festival and saw lots of people we love. Sam also loved his reflection in the empty dance studio mirror.


Then this morning it was off to surgery.

We are so comfortable and laid back at Kaiser by now, that we usually spend some time singing, playing make believe, and chatting it up with the nurses.



The nurses brought Sam a lot of toys which were MUCH more fun than his regular toys and they even brought him an ELMO toy ftw!



We had naptime too...and this picture was taken right before they WOKE HIM UP to give him a SEDATIVE, which caused him to wake up fully, start climbing all over the hospital crib, and help the anesthesiologist type things into his chart.



All of these pictures and words to say that we had a blessed October and have a wonderful November planned as well. Thanksgiving is my all time favorite holiday and I am so looking forward to really spending all of November in true gratefulness.

I'm going to be spending time writing real thank you cards to those who have well beyond earned them, I'm throwing a special brunch for my best friends, and then there is ice skating with the church, and a Thanksgiving feast in Santa Clara.

I am a happy girl <3