Year in Review - Part 1

Ladies and gentlemen!

Hello and welcome to December 30, 2009. While Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day are my favorite holidays, 4th of July and New Year's are my most despised. Especially New Years.

But this year was different. 2008 was my throw up from stress year, full of unpredictability and feeling as if I had no idea where I was stepping next until I was already there.....but 2009 was blessed. Joyful. Victorious. Wonderful.

2009, I love you and am sad to see you go. Here are our fun times as BFFs - this year and me :)


Sam's baby dedication was a happy day. It was one of the first times I held him in my arms confident that we had made it. He was healthy, adorable, and endlessly happy.


And his NICU nurses came too, for a lovely reunion.


Project 365 was not what I expected it to be at all. But I love the memories of it because it is a time where I grew a lot in ministry. This was the spring where we performed a beautiful outreach show, and I officially got my tough skin.


I got to go to Little Rock! To see the Bertholics! And learn to be a more effective missionary! And eat at the world's greatest pizza buffet! I heart Arkansas!


The March of Dimes March for Babies. Go, former preemies, go! Thank you God, for the angels who cared for our little one, and the others who are still living in NICUs today. This is Sam with his cousin Kayla at the Capitol steps after the walk.


My last time working with the C.A.E. kids - and grateful that the Lord provided a strong, competent, loving leader in Alisha for their future <3

We also had our first outreach performing arts summer camp. Oh my goodness. I think I am still tired.


Our return trip to Trinidad. Where my skin got even tougher.


And the team broke my bed :)


This 4th of July was different from the past. This one was pure joy. And I love this picture. ;)


Sam's first birthday. And those who love us.


Warm autumn days at Apple Hill.


Cherishing special moments with family.


Dressing up as pirates = diving into my future of having a little boy.


Sushi, how I love thee.


The oddness that is always the holidays.


Our dear Caribbean friend, Sarita, is here visiting California for the first time right now, ringing in the New Year with us.



Here's to 2010. I'll blog once more before midnight. But here's my almost goodbye, and I am so looking forward to the future. <3

Back From Florida

On Christmas Day, we returned home from our week long Florida adventure. We went to celebrate Frank's parents' 40th wedding anniversary, and we did it with a bang! From fancy dinners to an exclusive boat outing to see Disney World fireworks, we had a great time and I am thankful to God for providing the right timing and everything else we needed to all go as a family to the OTHER Happiest Place on Earth and have a great, relaxing time :)

Sam and U Chun both got 1st visit pins for their inaugural trip to Disney World


And we enjoyed a dinner at Emeril's Orlando restaurant at Universal's CityWalk to celebrate the anniversary. Check out the menu:

Cinderella's castle is my official favorite Christmas decoration of 2009. Stunning: Sam and Grandpa were sure to get matching hats for the big week:
And then we got to be pirates, meeting Captain Hook and setting sail for a fireworks voyage:


We got crazy and climby at EPCOT:

Our boat's view of the fireworks:
And Sam just missed the Spectacle of Dancing Lights. But his feet saw it:

Family holiday portrait Take 1: And 2:


And three :) Happy holidays, everyone!

With a Clear Heart and Mind

This week I had to make some really tough decisions.

The decisions are probably not what a lot of people expect, and are also things that some people will never know about my thoughts and feelings toward various parts life right now.

This week there have been people who have tried to get into my head regarding certain portions of my life for the wrong reasons - concerned for their own best interests, general curiosity, other agendas that have been more than easy to see through.

There was also a time that was supposed to bring me a little bit of shallow comfort - a person out of a group of friends that would be a time to reconnect and talk with again like old times - but in reality she hardly gave me the time of day, and the moral of the story is that earthly comforts never turn out to be quite the way they were hoped. And our only true assurance is in Christ.

Sometimes I appear aloof in ministry, or probably a better description would be dull-witted. I have days where I forget choreography, where I struggle to find the right words to say in front of a group of over 30 participants that range in age from 12-50, not to mention all of the parents I interact with in the children's program and the strangers I need to make connections with during outreach, missions trips and planning meetings. I can mess up. I can make mistakes.

However, I am not as dull as I look. I have made some decisions this year that I choose to look at as ways God has grown me, toughened me up, and made me wiser in my old age:

- I am not perfect. I will make mistakes, I will appear human, and the more I am human with humbleness and truth, the brighter Christ will shine.

- I am aware there are people within dance ministry who are not there for Jesus. They are there because their friends are, because they like the opportunity to be a top dog, where they wouldn't be if they danced elsewhere because the competition isn't super high within TP, and I have people who have absolutely broken my heart with unfair judgments and unwise decisions.

- I choose to commit to a 50/50 split: 50% = loving those aforementioned individuals and showing them grace. And if they need me to continue to act oblivious to what their agenda is, and to show them unconditional love in a way that won't damage the ministry...I can do that joyfully. 50% = focusing on the MAJORITY of the group that is there for the right reasons - to dance for God, to love one another, and to reach the world for Him.

- I can pray and continue to wait on the Lord without being totally stupid. Sometimes people outside of the "Christian bubble" claim that faith is a sign of weakness...but it can be also a remarkable sign of strength. I trust that my God has me where He wants me, and that I will go where He sends me when the time is perfect.

- I have an assurance in God and in myself that just because I forget things sometimes, or just because people think they can do things better than me sometimes, that my heart is pure and my mind is clear - and I am perfect for where my Father wants me.

And the rest is just something to discover. And to rejoice.

It's Raining Sets and Costumes

This week, dance ministry blessings flowed....

On Monday evening, Frank, Sarah, Nichole and I trekked 45 minutes away to the middle of nowhere town of Winters to get Cinderella sets and costumes. They had agreed to loan us their set pieces, and they are so pretty!

A preview:



That's it. That's all you get - come see the show!

Then, the first four dancers got to go try on ball gowns. Alexandria's Formal is being so amazing to us - providing us dresses for incredibly cheap, and letting the younger girls play! They get to try on dresses, jewelry, gloves, etc. and dream up their own look for ballroom dancing.


Some of the younger dancers got to go first.

So all of the dancers unanimously agreed to have eight performances instead of four, so our 4 special outreach shows are happening! I am way excited and know God will do incredible things.

Other than that, life chugs along. Sam can walk a lot more now - still only when he wants to, but progressing more and more everyday. You can see it in his eyes...he's focused on one long jaunt around the house one day soon. Aim high, little buddy, dream big.

We leave for Florida in 9 days and then it will be Christmas!



Life is nice!

Snow?!

I looked at the weather this morning:



I have circled tomorrow's report for dramatic emphasis.

SNOW?!?!?!?!?

It never snows here! I've been in snow maybe 3 or 4 times in my life!

Crazy world, crazy world.

But I'm excited! Pull through, God!! :)

Ministry Revelation While Almost Running Over a 6th Grader

The beautiful Valero family, who run a daycare out of their home, has welcomed Sam and given him as much love as I think is humanly possible. (except mommy love, of course!) When I drop him off in the morning, I drive right past a middle school, and there's always a flood of students wandering aimlessly through the street, waiting until that first bell rings to trudge into class.

Usually I get really annoyed because accidentally running over an 11 year old with my car is not how I ideally want to start out my day.

But then God gave me a new thought.

What if every single one of the girls at Cooley Middle School could be invited to our spring production for free? And the ones at Buljan? And Woodcreek? And Roseville? And the homeless women who live at the Gathering Inn? What if we could somehow get an invitation out to every 6th through 12th grade girl, plus struggling women and their children?

I have no idea if all the dancers will agree to this, but the few that I have spoken with have totally green lighted it. We would have to do 8 shows instead of 4, and those extra four would be free of charge and totally, 100% outreach driven. Because really, what better production for a roomful of females than Cinderella?

With prayer, strategic planning, and the commitment of all 30 cast members and their families, we could share the message of Christ to an additional 1,000 women in the region this spring, and give them a message of hope and encouragement. And let them know that God sure does like them an awful lot.

Maybe this is why the Lord provided an almost free theatre for us, when nothing else in the entire universe was available for booking. Even though it's small and not impressive in the least, maybe God planted us here for this sort of purpose. So we could run a gauntlet of performances and altar calls. There is no way we could do this financially anywhere else.

And now, suddenly, it is overwhelmingly simple and reasonable to do our regular 4 performances, plus 4 for free - for these kids and these women.....wow. Seriously, what if?

Encouragement

Every month in dance we put on a "creative chapel", where rehearsal shuts down, the leadership picks a theme for the evening, and we worship, pray, play games, and just hang out. It's a pretty important time we added this season because we have so many different ages and backgrounds in our ministry right now.

This month's theme was "encouragement", and we threw in a pajama party as an added twist. It turned out to be a really special night. Haley came up with a game where everyone sat in a circle and complimented/encouraged the person next to them. I think that the dancers could have gone all night long saying nice things about each other, and swapping encouraging stories.

It really blessed my heart. <3
And it gave me an idea. It is probably a little bit insane. And the dancers will be EX-HAUS-TED, but if everyone agrees to it - I think it just may be something magical.

Stay tuned.


Encouragement circle


Talking to God


Both new to Turning Point this year, but they've known each other since they were 3.


That is our cutie patootie Cinderella in the background


Haley can kick her head


<3

On Being Determined

Sam took his first steps on Thanksgiving. My mom was thrilled, because she doesn't get to experience many "firsts" due to distance, and I breathed a sigh of relief. There haven't been any more steps since, but lots of wobbles and independent standing and a pensive look on his face proving he's considering more toddles. And for whatever reason, whenever we ask him to take some steps, he does this combination hyperventilating/crack up laughing routine that is beyond my understanding.

As always, there continues to be a correlation between my silly little boy and ministry life. It makes more and more sense to me every day why God says we must have faith like a little child. (Matthew 18). Because if we don't learn to laugh when things get difficult, then we might all just go crazy.

There have been rumblings in my heart to do more. An odd conversation erupted during the church staff meeting a couple of weeks ago, and the tail end of it led to a brief moment of my being more transparent than usual about my broken heart for the homosexual community. How passionate I am about how miserably they've been treated - and how I am hungry to find solutions and ways to show them God's love. The real God - not the one that they may have unfortunately experienced.

I want to work with rape survivors. Dance and movement has such a healing way of helping people who have been assaulted, abused, etc. It gives them control back - allows them to feel ownership of their body again. When those things happen to you, you never fully recover - but how lovely it would be to use my ministry goals as a way to bring just a bit more comfort and healing to those who need it so much.

I'm desiring spending more time in the trenches and gutters in this world - not literally, obviously, but working with those who need love and have been left loveless for whatever reason.

And while all of this thinking is well and good, I need to embark on these things for the right reason. Right now one of my motivations is the fact it's getting more and more difficult for me to minister to the middle class.

I've desired for over four years for the dance ministry to be 100% sold out for God. And I truly believe every single dancer loves Jesus and wants to serve him. But "want" and "willing" are very different things. This is the big lesson I've learned the past couple of months.

I've said it repeatedly - performing arts ministry is so very dangerous of a thing because there is a very fine line between performing and ministering. Sometimes the line is outright invisible. And right now, it feels that some of the girls have forgotten there was ever a line at all.

It's obvious in their church attendance. Their choreography. Their priorities. And while there are definitely a lot of good seeds (they are ALL good seeds - just a lot are forgetting who they are called to be right now), I am just finding myself frustrated and tired.

I love God and am grateful for the 100,000 ways he blesses creative arts ministry every day, and I will stand firm that He has me where He wants me. But come on, middle class, it's time to step up. There are a whole lot of people who need God's love and a whole lot of people who are waiting for their chance to be whole.

So let's go to New York to get down into those trenches - not because we've always wanted to see a Broadway show.

Let's attend church regularly so that choreography and vision align with the ministry.

Let's realize that nobody will die if we do not text message during rehearsals.

Let's seek God in a way that some of us have always dreamed. And not be afraid to allow Him to take us to those new heights.

Cemented Down

Tomorrow Alta Regional is coming to evaluate Sam. He was supposed to have this evaluation 4 months ago, and we've gotten away with not having it due to scheduling conflicts and the blessed fact that their offices are just swamped.

This is the state program that all Kaiser preemies are referred to for follow up services. All of Sam's therapy comes through Jabbergym, which is funded by Alta Regional. Sam was small enough and early enough when he was born that this is provided to him free of charge. For most premature infants born in 2008 and prior, these services are provided regardless of income level until the school district takes over if necessary around age 4.

Recently they received budget cuts like everyone else, and there was a huge restructure. We are now caught between a rock and a hard place - Sam very much needs his therapy still, and yet he does not need it so much that he is in the bottom 9% of babies his gestational age. Of course, I would rather see these services go to kids who continue to struggle in ways far beyond what Sam ever did. There are autistic children, severely handicapped children - kids who don't even have an awareness about them. Premature birth is a devastating thing for a lot of families, and even though Sam struggles, he is the happiest boy on earth and we are grateful for that.

His services can all be pulled tomorrow, and that is heart wrenching because as cute and happy as he is, he cannot walk and talk. There is such little progress in these areas - it is scary. Oh, I know he will do these things someday, but it would be nice to have him at least somewhat on track, and right now he is far behind.

Therapy is always provided privately if we wish, but little Sam, I am so sorry, mommy and daddy just cannot swing the cost of it right now. We all want the best for you, and to give you every chance you can get in living a normal life - but it is just too darn expensive.

I know right after typing that, I am going to pick up extra articles and other side jobs, doing everything I can and never sleeping so you CAN get the therapy you need. I am not going to allow the continual meltdown of California get in the way of you receiving what you need.

But it's going to be really, really tough. We will get there - I know we will - but it might mean mom will have to quit dance and ministry for awhile so she can get a full time job with a larger paycheck again.

I have a referral letter from Sam's pediatrician that I will give to Norma tomorrow for his speech therapy evaluation, and I am going to just pray my hardest that either he qualifies for continued services, or he does so well on his testing that they assure me he is going to be okay. That my stupid body did not cause damage to him that is just going to make him continue to struggle through life.

I am frustrated and sad. But I know my God is good and will provide. So I will keep praying.

Sweet Saturday

Today we had no plans. This never happens. Seriously never.

We ran errands and hung out. I got to cook dinner.

There was time for taking Christmas card pictures, and plenty of time to rest.

It made me grateful for when I'm not traveling, or at dance practice, or hitting article deadlines. I love all of those things, but it was nice to have a Saturday of nothing.

Except autumn leaves and eskimo kisses with my little boy.

Oh, For Pete's Sake!

When I was little, my Italian grandmother would yell this in my general direction whenever I did something ridiculous and irrational. Usually it would be the result of a tantrum over something I didn’t want to be involved in (cleaning, eating a certain food, etc.) or if I did something so absurd that there were no other words and they had better go grab a camera.

I never really thought about where this phrase came from, until several months ago when I became an avid fan of Peter in the Bible. While there are great kings and prophets throughout the old and new testaments – plenty of people to truly be admired – there is one thing that really draws me to Peter.

He was so totally forgiven at the peak of not deserving it.

Peter was a fisherman who couldn’t keep his mouth shut. I hate fishing, but I sure do understand the whole dilemma of words coming out faster than my brain can catch. Peter spoke his mind, and yet at the same time, worried a lot about what people thought about him. I think his life resounds heavily with my outlook on the world, as it probably does with many girls just trying to figure out who they are, what they want – and who their friends were.

Peter knew 100% that his number one compadre was Jesus. They hung out, probably had endless inside jokes, and Peter was definitely part of the Savior’s inner circle. He had a luxury that Christians today don’t have – he got to physically hug Jesus, hear the actual physical sound of Christ’s voice, and see one of history’s greatest and most controversial individuals live the most poignant part of His life.

And yet, out of great fear, he went on to deny he knew Jesus three times before he was crucified.

Oops.

If one of my best friends were about to be brutally murdered in front of a large, blood thirsty audience, I would hope I’d have the cajones to at least acknowledge their existence in their time of need. But again, fear of what people think, and what people have the power to do – it can be overwhelming.

So anyway, fast forward to the whole resurrection thing. Let me tell you that if one of my BFFs betrayed me and I went through all the trouble of coming back from the dead, then I would make it a point to let her know she is no longer on my team. I would be wounded with a girl hurt that, as any girl knows, outlasts any vindictive spirit known to humankind.

But what did the good old J.C. do? He makes a concerted effort pretty much right off the bat to tell Peter he loves him. And not only does he do that, but he makes it a PUBLIC DECLARATION. It wasn’t a disgruntled, “yeah I guess we’re cool,” reconciliation – it was in front of Peter’s friends and those who probably judged him pretty harshly and didn’t have very nice things to say about him at this point.
When Jesus died and the men who had given up the fishing trade to follow him decided to go fishing one evening to probably get their minds off of everything, I kind of doubt that Peter was openly invited. Things were probably a tad awkward.
But when Jesus came, he made it clear that Peter was still a standup guy.

How could this be? How could Peter have screwed up so badly and then have the Savior of the universe want to be by his side?

There is logic to forgiveness – to a point. But there is absolutely zero logic to the crucifixion and resurrection, which is what, makes it so spectacular.
Just as Peter denied Jesus three times, God asked Peter if he loved him three separate times at this special post-resurrection breakfast. According to the original Greek, some Bible scholars say that the language Peter chose to respond “yes” showed hesitation and reservation.

Peter felt shame. Peter felt as if he wasn’t good enough. Peter wanted to serve God so badly, but felt he had screwed up so deeply.

And yet Jesus chooses Peter to do great, tremendous things for the Early Church that still live on today.

Jesus’ love for Peter was a passionate love. An illogical, cross-inspired love that truly makes my head explode when I even think about it.

Peter didn’t DESERVE to be forgiven. And neither do we.

But we are. And that is so fantastic.

What do you think happens after you die? And what do you think about your life here on Earth? That first question is something that obviously involves a lot more prayer and discussion for some (if you want my not so hidden opinion, let me know!) but as for the latter….

You are loved. You are cherished. No matter what you’ve done or who has wronged you or who you have or continue to wrong – Jesus adores you and not only thinks you are good enough to be loved – He thinks you’re good enough to live a brilliant and blessed life.

Go read John 21 after you’ve read Mark 14. Go soak in God's crazy love.

And It Rained Ball Gowns Like Manna From Heaven

When I decided we were going to make Cinderella our spring outreach in 2010, a lot of the girls got over the top excited. I regretted agreeing to it, because my first thought was, "wow this is going to be hard on our little budget."

The show requires so many costumes that just don't come cheap - mice, a dog, a cat, and lots and lots of ball gowns. I hate recruiting boys for Turning Point. When we first started the ministry, we had 5 guys, and it has fluctuated between three and zero per show ever since then. It's tough to find straight guys with rhythm who want to dance. So I told the girls that we would have a "bring your own boy" night, where whoever found a dance partner, they could do the formal waltz in the play.

Well, BYOB spread like wild fire throughout the church. It has turned into a Sadie Hawkins dance around here, girls asking guys, agonizing over who to ask (this goes for the adults too! i am not going to lay blame on just the teens!) and everyone has just gone nuts. Suddenly almost everyone managed to find aforementioned required male, and now we have over 20 girls in the ballroom dance scene, when I was planning for more like 8.

I looked online forever - dresses are just expensive. Especially since more than anything, I was lusting after that ultra-formal poofy look from Cinderella's day. So I prayed.

I prayed some more.

Today I had an appointment with Alexandria's in downtown Roseville. They rent out ball gowns for around $120 per day. We would need them for two weeks minimum, times 20 dresses......yikes.

But it turns out that the owner is a Christian and got excited about what we're doing outreach wise, and she is donating dresses to us!!! All of them for a very small fee, including petticoats and hoop skirts for the "poof"! At cost, the dresses and underskirts would have been $9600. We are getting everything for basically free.

Sometimes miracles just fall into my lap. Frank said that it's because I work hard. I think it's just because God likes me. Either way, I am giving a big WOOT! to the man upstairs for making my life 10 gazillion times easier today.

Love His Grace

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me

I once was lost but now I'm found
Was blind but now I see so clearly

Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me
Hallelujah, all my stains are washed away, washed away

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear

The hour I first believed

Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me

Hallelujah, all my stains are washed away, washed away

When we've been there ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun

We've no less days to sing Your praise
Than when we first begun

It's Like an Island

I don't think very many people read this blog, and so I suppose this entry is my own personal purge - though enough people read it that I'm keeping it public because maybe - someone will feel less alone.

It's a terrible thing that you never get over, you know? Everyone has different ways of dealing with it, and my way has been to be creative. But sometimes I write, dance, sing at the top of my lungs - and it's like a toxin that never leaves my body. The levels go down, but it's always there, just waiting to come up again. I don't know what started it - I know things that intensify it, but I can't give you a root date.

Sometimes it's the little things - the smell of a certain cologne, the sound of zippers, the clang of metal bars, a hang up call. And sometimes it is just a feeling of feeling so dang alone, even with the best of friends, having my husband's great family, and having my wonderful mom, sister and cousins.

There are cravings for restoration, flashes of memories playing like a broken movie - the brain works and then the brain doesn't - and I can climb and climb out of the pit....get on top of it all, slam down the trap door, and somehow I just fall through again.

Sometimes I claim red tears instead of regular ones - and while I don't go there often, when I do - I really do. It makes me feel better sometimes - but never for very long, and I know this.

I need validation for things that have happened. I need to know which way is up - I've been falling down the rabbit hole forever. love my life - I am grateful for all I have - but sometimes this just hurts so much.

Home Okay Home

Home Sweet Home it is not...but it has gone from Home Cruddy Home to Home Okay Home...which is a major improvement from the adjectives I've used in the past. Sacramento, here is your official apology. I judged you too soon, and I've judged you harshly. Now that it's autumn and the weather has cooled enough that I can work things out with you rationally, you really aren't half bad.

Tonight I went out for Greek food with a group of friends, and for the first time in a long time, it felt like I had roots. I had memories with these ladies, I couldn't find the restaurant right away, but knew the streets well enough that I could figure it out even with Minerva the GPS gone, and I came home not feeling empty and homesick for the bay area.

It was a nice change.

This past Saturday, I threw an autumn brunch for some of my best friends, and I think it may become a tradition. I tried some new recipes, made centerpieces, and had a fun mix of bay area and Sacramento family and friends. It was a beautiful day for Catalina chicken and red velvet cupcakes, and I hope people enjoyed themselves!


Sam got to play with Aunt Karen


Connie came up from the bay area, and it was so nice to see her. I'm looking forward to ice skating and sushi in a couple weeks!


More friends.


And more.


One more :)

My mom and sister were there too, and I am not sure why I didn't get pictures of them. It was a good day, and Sam was ready to call more party guests and tell them to come on over after everything started to die down.



It feels good and normal and stable living here - my bay area life will always be a big part of me, but it is comforting to know there are roots here now too.