With a Clear Heart and Mind

This week I had to make some really tough decisions.

The decisions are probably not what a lot of people expect, and are also things that some people will never know about my thoughts and feelings toward various parts life right now.

This week there have been people who have tried to get into my head regarding certain portions of my life for the wrong reasons - concerned for their own best interests, general curiosity, other agendas that have been more than easy to see through.

There was also a time that was supposed to bring me a little bit of shallow comfort - a person out of a group of friends that would be a time to reconnect and talk with again like old times - but in reality she hardly gave me the time of day, and the moral of the story is that earthly comforts never turn out to be quite the way they were hoped. And our only true assurance is in Christ.

Sometimes I appear aloof in ministry, or probably a better description would be dull-witted. I have days where I forget choreography, where I struggle to find the right words to say in front of a group of over 30 participants that range in age from 12-50, not to mention all of the parents I interact with in the children's program and the strangers I need to make connections with during outreach, missions trips and planning meetings. I can mess up. I can make mistakes.

However, I am not as dull as I look. I have made some decisions this year that I choose to look at as ways God has grown me, toughened me up, and made me wiser in my old age:

- I am not perfect. I will make mistakes, I will appear human, and the more I am human with humbleness and truth, the brighter Christ will shine.

- I am aware there are people within dance ministry who are not there for Jesus. They are there because their friends are, because they like the opportunity to be a top dog, where they wouldn't be if they danced elsewhere because the competition isn't super high within TP, and I have people who have absolutely broken my heart with unfair judgments and unwise decisions.

- I choose to commit to a 50/50 split: 50% = loving those aforementioned individuals and showing them grace. And if they need me to continue to act oblivious to what their agenda is, and to show them unconditional love in a way that won't damage the ministry...I can do that joyfully. 50% = focusing on the MAJORITY of the group that is there for the right reasons - to dance for God, to love one another, and to reach the world for Him.

- I can pray and continue to wait on the Lord without being totally stupid. Sometimes people outside of the "Christian bubble" claim that faith is a sign of weakness...but it can be also a remarkable sign of strength. I trust that my God has me where He wants me, and that I will go where He sends me when the time is perfect.

- I have an assurance in God and in myself that just because I forget things sometimes, or just because people think they can do things better than me sometimes, that my heart is pure and my mind is clear - and I am perfect for where my Father wants me.

And the rest is just something to discover. And to rejoice.