Please Don't Take My Sunshine Away

Most of the time, I'm a pretty content person. I love my job, my ministry, my friends and of course our little family. But I go through these periods of extreme annoyance, and right now there is plenty in life to annoy me. But this blog post is only about one of those many things on my mind right now.

I am annoyed that Sam has to go back to the hospital on Monday.

Even though it's been 7 months already since he came home to live with us, it seems like only yesterday I spent hours of every day staring into his little box (and thankfully eventually a real crib) and whispered to him to hurry up and grow. Get better Sam, there's a whole world I am really excited to show you!

Having a baby in the hospital for 3 months is no fun. You won't hear me complain beyond that, because he was treated like royalty by the nurses and doctors, we could not have asked for better care for him - but when he was discharged from the hospital in October, it seemed as if we couldn't get him home fast enough.

The most difficult part of the entire hospital stay was his second surgery a few weeks before he went home. Afterward, they couldn't control his pain level properly, and so what I first saw after surgery was this helpless tiny body covered in tubes and wires, breathing off oxygen and twitching and convulsing slightly from the post-surgery pain. I felt helpless and then sick to my stomach, and it was the first time in 3 months I actually had to physically walk away from my little baby in order to maintain my composure.

But he recovered quickly and now is a chubby, incessantly cheerful little miracle that kicks and laughs and bangs spoons on the tables at restaurants.

Monday, he has to go back. And I refuse to believe it is only two days away. I keep telling myself this is different - it's a reconstructive surgery - it doesn't involve vital internal organs like the other two did. He is older, bigger and stronger - his body can handle it much better, and his risks are much lower. But on the flip side, I also know there are going to be tubes, wires and pain again.

And I have a feeling that 15 pounds of Sam is going to feel exactly like watching 2 pounds of newborn Sam all over again.

I hate Monday already.