Nighttime Purge

It's 10:30 and the house is quiet. I have no article deadlines, no chores, absolutely nothing to do except sleep, which I really should be doing, but for whatever reason right now, I am not really interested in that.

It's been a very long time since I've been able to write just because I felt like it, and write about anything I want. It's rather ironic that being a professional writer robs you of your ability to really write, because you become an absolute machine fueled by deadlines, Google search hits and style guides. And after all that, I earn enough income to pay a couple of bills and eat sushi with my husband. What a contribution I make to the world, huh?

Someday soon I really do want to write that book I've always sworn I would write. Would anybody read it? I don't know. When it comes right down to it, anything good or worthy of being out there has been created (at least in some part) for the purpose of purging anyhow. To bring healing, relief, and celebration into the life of the writer. Writing is therapy, only much more affordable. Thank goodness.

Anyway, tonight I heard the little snore of a sleeping Sam on the baby monitor and went in to check on him. He will be a year old in two weeks, and sometimes I just stare in disbelief that this chubby, blue-eyed, incessantly cheerful little person is my child. The fetus-in-the-box that we met last July seems like such a hazy memory, and yet sometimes the pain and fear is still so real.

I am doing a lot of purging these days - sometimes I just have a good cry over Sam - happy tears over how far he's come, and sorrowful ones over how much further he still needs to go. Tears of thankfulness that we had/have health insurance, tears of frustration when another month goes by without hitting a vital milestone, tears of joy that - 12 months later - he is still very much here, healthy and sweet as can be, and seems so content to be the center of my universe.

Sam, that's a pretty sweet arrangement we've got going on there.

Sometimes I wish I could live my life more like my baby. We have a lot in common right now. We both cry pretty much every day - but Sam does it right. He sheds a few tears and then forgets about whatever it is that made him upset in the first place. Sometimes I am ashamed at how cruddy I am at that.

I have hurts in my life right now that I cannot conquer. Stare them in the face, run away, talk about it, pray about it, WHATEVER, nothing works. Nothing helps. And I know there is a reason for them, but I am far from figuring out what that reason is.

Another thing we share is the inability to walk. Sam is at an age of frustration where he squirms and squawks because he wants to just GET somewhere. But once on the ground, he can only crawl backwards and he is pretty peeved about that one. I am too. I hate that no matter how much progress is made, sometimes I just end up crawling backwards with my thought process, my walk with God, the memories I have and am both trying desperately to remember and also forget.

A woman who is a part of the dance ministry shared her story of coming to the Lord with all of us last night. One sentence she said really stuck out in my mind. She said, "God loved me and didn't want me to be confused." It has permeated my heart and mind ever since I heard it, even though to her it was just a passing thought, stringing together the big picture.

God loves me and doesn't want me to be confused.

Then darn it, why am I so confused right now? Why is there so much pain and frustration that just makes me absolutely tongue tied when someone is genuinely ready to listen?

And then.....there is so much beauty in my life. I am so blessed to be me. Let's not forget that, or end on a sour note here because it is true. Besides aforementioned baby boy, I have a remarkably patient and loving husband. I hear stories about other relationships and it makes me want to sing him praises even more. Missionary support raising is going well and I am also paid to write when I know there are countless others vying for a spot to be published somewhere, even for free. The dance ministry is beyond incredible, and the kids summer camp has only added to it. I have truly beautiful and wonderful friends. My house has air conditioning. There is food in the fridge. And on Saturday there will be fireworks in the streets.

God loves me and doesn't want me to be confused.

Above all else, I am never to allow myself to question that love.

I don't know who really reads this, but if you are right now....know that one of two things is likely happening.

1) You don't like me, but still visit here even though I am far from required reading. I thank God for what knowing you has taught me.

2) You are a friend and I thank God for the absolute loveliness you have brought into my life.

God loves you too, and doesn't want you to be confused anymore either.