When I Was One, I Had Just Begun.....

Today my baby turned one. It was a pretty quiet day - meeting daddy at work for lunch, eating a first cupcake, wearing a homemade birthday crown....it was a special, family-only day, which is probably the complete opposite of what Saturday's birthday party will be, which will also be special in completely different ways.

I really wanted to start a birthday tradition for Sam this year, but the day zoomed by so quickly, I barely had time to think. We don't have a lot of money for gifts or trips, we don't really have one particular culture or heritage - I just couldn't think of any sort of special thing that could just be for us. Then I decided that, following in the tradition of everything else I've ever done in my life, I would write down the past year and save it for Sam to read someday. Then on his 18th birthday, he will have a book of letters from mom. I am not sure how he'll feel about this, as he is a boy and boys are not nearly as sappy as girls, but I hope he will be able to sit down in a quiet place each year and read the letters, realizing how much he means to me - to us - to so many others he is going to bless.

Last July 16th, I had just undergone a C-section and friends and family were coming to visit, as I was half loopy from painkillers and half jealous that so many were meeting the baby before I got to. I nagged the labor and delivery nurses until they finally relented and let me go down the hall to the NICU even though I could barely walk.

1 pound 14 ounces is small. I mean, obviously I knew it was small before I met Sam, but it seems even smaller when you see this complete little person, laying there and being positively tiny. But when he grasped my finger for the first time, I knew that he was going to make it and I would try my best to believe in him- and he did it! I have a lot of residual feelings and emotions from having a baby born over 2 months early and watching him go through multiple surgeries and other challenges. I've written a bit about it in the past, and I guess I always supposed I would write something really lengthy someday - but in writing Sam's letter, I found myself focusing more on memories like first Christmas, first swim, first visit to church, etc. more than I focused on damaged intestinal walls and failure to thrive. I thank God those things come to mind first.

Sam has more friends than I do. He is totally "the people's baby," and he makes friends wherever we go. And yet he's also really sweet and shy - he does well with others and yet has this sensitive little heart - he is going to make a big difference in the world someday, and I think for some reason that goes beyond my mother bias.

Happy Birthday, Samasaurus. Thanks for sticking around - we sure do like you.

Raindrops in July

A few minutes ago I was in our bedroom and heard the delicate sound of raindrops tickling our roof. The rain is so gentle and subtle - the kind that makes you look around and almost say out loud, "Wait, is that RAIN?!" This is especially true in the middle of July, in Sacramento, where rain sort of holds the same probability of a dinosaur sauntering past the kitchen window and waving hello.

The funny thing is, I had just been thinking this morning about how nice it would be if it would just rain a little. Last time, when I full out prayed for rain, we got a flippin' thunderstorm, but today was just a slight longing - a passing thought - and when the sky swelled above us as we were driving to the store, I just laid back and thought to myself, "Sweet! Thanks God!"

How many times does God deliver on a thought, prayer or desire we have, even those that are so fleeting that we don't even really realize right away what has been responded to? There are probably a katrillion times per day that God answers prayers that I don't even realize because my life is too busy, my brain is too full, my heart is too untrusting. Just like my body is balanced for certain jumps and turns, and my mind is conditioned to keep track of my overbooked days....I really need to start training my entire being to be open to God's blessings, and remember to slow down and practice gratefulness.

So, next time it rains, maybe I will close my cell phone BEFORE wiping away that water drop from my face. Maybe it will be a reminder to me to put things in front of my face that really will guide me toward the path I'm supposed to be taking (interpretation: bible twice a day?) I think I'm already on that good path and have a confirmed one way ticket - but sometimes I tend to derail a bit and that has just got to stop. I know it's a process, and a long one at that. But oh, am I ever excited for the destination.


Hold me down - all the world's asleep
I need you now - you've knocked me off my feet...
...I've tried praying - and I know just what you're saying to me...
...Let me be the one that shines with you....

Would You Celebrate With a Mouse? Would You Celebrate In a House?

Well July is here, and it is going to be a month of total celebration! I remember two years ago at this time of year I was in Trinidad with some of the dancers, and Pamela & Princess threw us a 4th of July party that ended up being more of a misguided birthday party. However, I am sure many of those on the team will attest that it was one of the sweetest things ever done.

This is the American flag cake that Pamela and Princess made us

And then there were.....party hats?

Last 4th of July was pretty uneventful - I am continually giddy about setting off fireworks because I grew up in a county where they were illegal, and last year was only the 2nd time in my life I had gotten to set them off, and it was extra fun with my sister coming up to visit. Last year I was also very pregnant, marveling at how I only had 11 weeks to go....little did I know I only had 12 days!

This July is going to be another month of celebration. Tomorrow morning I am making birthday cupcakes for my sweet and precious "born on the 4th of July" friend Amber, and then my sister is coming up for an encore trip. The night will include a pool party with a few good friends, fireworks, and relaxing in the hot tub. I am super excited for all of this niceness :)

I'm also in obsessive party planning mode because our little Samasaurus turns 1 in two weeks! I'm throwing a Dr. Seuss themed party (Sam I Am, duh)....but wow I should've just gone with Elmo or Mickey. It is IMPOSSIBLE to find Dr. Seuss stuff that is within our budget for a massive park party, but at the same time there is definitely something to be said about the thrill of the hunt! It's fun color-theming and coming up with cake ideas and having a great excuse to get family and close friends together. Please allow me a minute to show off the INCREDIBLE birthday invitations that my amazing friend Katie made.

Then after all of these festivities, we leave for Trinidad! Our missionary host just revamped our entire trip and I am a little shellshocked. Our 10-12 child VBS is now for 70-100 children, and we are staying in Diego Martin instead of Port of Spain. I am a little nervous about leading alone, and was finding much comfort in knowing that it would be a familiar place with familiar faces and lodging.....just goes to show you never know how God will shake things up and force you to be brave!

On a completely separate note, these are the kinds of things that make me lose sleep at night.

http://www.kcra.com/news/19925304/detail.html

Sacramento is also home to the "Vetrans Memorial Highway."

We are so homeschooling.

Nighttime Purge

It's 10:30 and the house is quiet. I have no article deadlines, no chores, absolutely nothing to do except sleep, which I really should be doing, but for whatever reason right now, I am not really interested in that.

It's been a very long time since I've been able to write just because I felt like it, and write about anything I want. It's rather ironic that being a professional writer robs you of your ability to really write, because you become an absolute machine fueled by deadlines, Google search hits and style guides. And after all that, I earn enough income to pay a couple of bills and eat sushi with my husband. What a contribution I make to the world, huh?

Someday soon I really do want to write that book I've always sworn I would write. Would anybody read it? I don't know. When it comes right down to it, anything good or worthy of being out there has been created (at least in some part) for the purpose of purging anyhow. To bring healing, relief, and celebration into the life of the writer. Writing is therapy, only much more affordable. Thank goodness.

Anyway, tonight I heard the little snore of a sleeping Sam on the baby monitor and went in to check on him. He will be a year old in two weeks, and sometimes I just stare in disbelief that this chubby, blue-eyed, incessantly cheerful little person is my child. The fetus-in-the-box that we met last July seems like such a hazy memory, and yet sometimes the pain and fear is still so real.

I am doing a lot of purging these days - sometimes I just have a good cry over Sam - happy tears over how far he's come, and sorrowful ones over how much further he still needs to go. Tears of thankfulness that we had/have health insurance, tears of frustration when another month goes by without hitting a vital milestone, tears of joy that - 12 months later - he is still very much here, healthy and sweet as can be, and seems so content to be the center of my universe.

Sam, that's a pretty sweet arrangement we've got going on there.

Sometimes I wish I could live my life more like my baby. We have a lot in common right now. We both cry pretty much every day - but Sam does it right. He sheds a few tears and then forgets about whatever it is that made him upset in the first place. Sometimes I am ashamed at how cruddy I am at that.

I have hurts in my life right now that I cannot conquer. Stare them in the face, run away, talk about it, pray about it, WHATEVER, nothing works. Nothing helps. And I know there is a reason for them, but I am far from figuring out what that reason is.

Another thing we share is the inability to walk. Sam is at an age of frustration where he squirms and squawks because he wants to just GET somewhere. But once on the ground, he can only crawl backwards and he is pretty peeved about that one. I am too. I hate that no matter how much progress is made, sometimes I just end up crawling backwards with my thought process, my walk with God, the memories I have and am both trying desperately to remember and also forget.

A woman who is a part of the dance ministry shared her story of coming to the Lord with all of us last night. One sentence she said really stuck out in my mind. She said, "God loved me and didn't want me to be confused." It has permeated my heart and mind ever since I heard it, even though to her it was just a passing thought, stringing together the big picture.

God loves me and doesn't want me to be confused.

Then darn it, why am I so confused right now? Why is there so much pain and frustration that just makes me absolutely tongue tied when someone is genuinely ready to listen?

And then.....there is so much beauty in my life. I am so blessed to be me. Let's not forget that, or end on a sour note here because it is true. Besides aforementioned baby boy, I have a remarkably patient and loving husband. I hear stories about other relationships and it makes me want to sing him praises even more. Missionary support raising is going well and I am also paid to write when I know there are countless others vying for a spot to be published somewhere, even for free. The dance ministry is beyond incredible, and the kids summer camp has only added to it. I have truly beautiful and wonderful friends. My house has air conditioning. There is food in the fridge. And on Saturday there will be fireworks in the streets.

God loves me and doesn't want me to be confused.

Above all else, I am never to allow myself to question that love.

I don't know who really reads this, but if you are right now....know that one of two things is likely happening.

1) You don't like me, but still visit here even though I am far from required reading. I thank God for what knowing you has taught me.

2) You are a friend and I thank God for the absolute loveliness you have brought into my life.

God loves you too, and doesn't want you to be confused anymore either.