The Commotion of Devotion

So this weekend we took a mini-trip to the bay area to spend time with family, and it was a nice break - a chance to rest (thank you mom!) and recharge. Frank and I spent Thursday morning in a meeting that brought healing and clarity to the situation that was upsetting me so much last week. I know one thing is for certain - God will guide those who really seek Him and desire to be guided by Him. Otherwise, He will just leave you the heck alone. I am glad He isn't leaving me alone and bugging me constantly to work things out according to what He wants.

Dance starts again tomorrow. It's a bittersweet time of ministry - definitely my least favorite. It's difficult when participants don't come back because of life changes, anxiety-filling not knowing if anyone will show up at all, and daunting meeting new people. But it always ends up being great after all is said and done, so I know I need to have an August mentality rather than a May one.

Life is about to be a crazy commotion again - especially with the furthering of the "big plans" and I just got asked to prepare a drama class for Mosaic. Fun! But I will be tired!

The weather here has been so nice - it's identical to Santa Clara, which is really weird this time of year. I am loving it. This weekend we took Sam to Happy Hollow - a bay area childhood staple that I have never, ever been to. Better late than never I suppose!



He really loved it and wore his new hat


Got kissed by a cow


Washed goats


And we made my mom really, really mad with this temporary tattoo. It has nothing to do with going to Happy Hollow, but it was pretty funny.

Fueling Up At The Right Station

I read this quote today, "The religious artist seeking to create great art must begin by disregarding his every concern for propriety."

It's from John Shore's blog - he's my kind of Christian - blunt, provocative in his topics, yet loving and totally, 100% saved. And you know who else is like that? My kind of Jesus. Instance after instance in the Bible, we see the Lord's bluntness, his fearlessness against the tough stuff - and He also hugs children and prostitutes and has complete confidence in His Heavenly Father.

It dropped upon me like an anvil this morning during my quiet time that I have been too concerned about propriety. I have been looking to others for the approval in my art - in my dance, my writing, my chances to speak up - I do it all for God, but I think in a subconscious part of my mind, I also do it for a handful of other people's approval. The thought made me sick. I try to be blunt, provocative and loving. Sometimes I succeed, and sometimes I do not - but to realize just how strongly I look to the approval of others, and how now that one of those key people have totally, 100% failed me and I am left with this brittle skeleton of self-esteem and assurance of the road ahead......well.....

I have given a "preliminary resignation." That's my naming of it - a statement I made after a lot of prayer that after August, I will walk away from the positions in ministry I have been given, until I can come to a way and understanding of being able to do things on only God's terms without being stifled or frowned upon.

It's scary. Really scary. And of course there are things that can change my heart - God, first of all, compelling me to stick around. Or the individuals around me committing to act more biblically in the future - and I of course need to work on that more myself. There's a lot of grey, and will continue to be until the end of the summer. God can heal anything, and He can do anything - so we will just have to wait and see!

But as for now - I am not going to give a concrete answer on anything except this:

I need more of my Jesus than ever before, and I am determined to stick by Him and learn more about His character and love for me and others. I don't care where I go to church, what people say about me, or what they try to pin upon me - I am just going to be walking with my God.

So I know the bible says that God will direct our steps when we trust Him. But then I said to God yesterday, okay JC, my steps right now look like this:

To which I am pretty sure God responded "so what?"

Every morning when I wake up, the day before me feels like one of those trust fall activities everyone has to do at camp or in middle school. Go to a high spot, close your eyes, and let yourself fall as a group of your friends (or frienemies) giggles and wiggles below you. "Oh we'll catch you, don't worry!" they exclaim. And fortunately, when it was my turn, they always did. Probably because I was 90 pounds until 11th grade.

But it never felt stable or secure before falling. And sometimes I don't feel stable or secure with God's plans. This is a good lesson in how our feelings can outweigh truth. Truth says God will direct our steps. Truth says he is a million times more stable than a middle school trust circle. And you know what? He's never let me fall - unless it was for my own dang good and even then it was so he could completely rebuild and make me stronger.

So was it really a fall at all?

Today is a big decision day. At 8am I think the majority of those decisions have been made now - but I am going to commit it to God for one more day to make sure it's what He wants.

Because if I have to climb a path like the one in that picture - if I have to let myself fall from a very high place - then He is the one I want to catch me. He has a great track record.

May you feel His strong arms today too. <3

Please say honestly You won't give up on me And I shall believe.....

At the urging of people who I think must really love me in order to put up with me in all the ways they do, I called Kaiser at least a dozen times. Each time, I got an answering machine. Then we called an advice nurse, who gave us a different phone number, which led to another voicemail response.

Three years ago was the last time I had to really deal with this on the level that I am now - I had a rotten doctor who looked at me funny over the rim of his glasses and had an accent that always hindered whatever it was he was trying to tell me. I am not being unfair - I usually love a good accent. I gave up and walked away when Dr. Crap for Crap seemed to be my only option.

When I moved 40 miles away, quit my magazine job and started a new life over here, I had good justification for a new doctor. I went on a 2 month wait list. It's been seven. Hence all of the phone calls - I just need medicine. It shouldn't be this hard.

My last voicemail was outright screaming and crying into a "please leave your message after the tone" abyss. I never heard back. I wondered what ever became of all of those voicemails - does my HMO just make me a nameless number where a disinterested secretary presses delete all day long for $8.50 an hour?

Today, we finally got through to someone. Today also in the mail, I randomly got a Kaiser appointment reminder postcard. It was an appointment for June, with Dr. Crap for Crap, 40 miles away. I suppose my messages were received after all. But they weren't listened to. My phone never rang, my name was probably never put on a list. Just some machine slapped my name on a blue and white postcard next to a doctor I despise (and I'm pretty sure the feeling's mutual), and if I want to get better, then I just need to suck it up and go.

Even with the breakthrough of today, I still have to go to Dr. Crap for Crap. There are too many people, not enough time, not enough resources to be of individual interest. Not that I want to be. I am ashamed of this, I am frustrated by this, I am wounded by this. I don't want to sing or tap dance about how great it makes me. Because any feelings of self worth I ever had are completely, totally gone. My spirit feels like a vandalized home - everything of value is gone.

I know my God is good, I know my God is great. But tonight things just seem so much bigger than I am, and not in an all-encompassing, "God is peace and love" sort of way. I know that He is that, I just cannot feel that. I cannot justify it being available for myself. Things are just too broken.

Being a Christian does not mean I can't hurt, it doesn't mean my faith is gone or that God is dead - it just means that right now is a time I wish I could express my heart better to my family, my friends, and my Jesus. I am burned out, broken down, thrown for a loop....vandalized from the inside out.

I told a few people in confidence about my doubts after August. And of course, while I know some are a vault, there always leaks in girl circles, and now about a dozen people have asked me, "Hey Tam, have you made a decision yet about _______________?"

No. No I haven't. I know nothing. I am thinking more simple, fragmented, retarded thoughts right now. Do I really want to dance anymore? Where did I start getting so afraid? Is it fair to Sam to have a mother like me? Why do we always end up sort of just standing there in the parking lot after church while everyone around us gets invited to go have lunch or hang out somewhere?

Why are connections so hard to make, and how can so many people consider me to be a close friend when I am so wrought with secrets and struggles that I can't even type a sentence at this point?

I am so overcome right now, I crave desperately for Jesus to overcome me. It's the only way. And yet a part of me fears......there are just too many people, not enough time, not enough resources to be of individual interest.

Please my Jesus, consider me to be of individual interest. If only for a moment.

Thank you, that I am important to you for much longer than a moment. That despite the vandals, every piece of me is beyond insured and redeemed.

Forgive me for losing sight of that. And for whatever ends up coming next.

P.S. - I miss my thinking spot in the bay very much right now.