Truth Telling.

Church today was about happiness, and I was fine with that. I've heard sermons about how happiness doesn't equal peace, how getting stuff doesn't equal contentment, etc. And, just like this morning, King Solomon seems to get dragged into it - a poster child for how love, sex and rock and roll does not a happy person make. 

I think I do pretty well in the happiness department - we own our home and have nice neighbors, we have two kids - a boy and a girl - the American ideal. We both have jobs we love and Iots of friends. I just got a new car and we are going to a church we enjoy. 

I am totally happy. Right?

Then the awesome Ashley who happened to be speaking that day really got under my skin. She kept saying about how God is willing to meet with us. How the creator of the universe is right here waiting to meet with us. How fortunate we are to have God meet with us. 

My heart started pounding and I felt completely embarrassed, even though no one would ever have reason to notice me at all right then, let alone the fact I felt totally ashamed and singled out. 

Because God doesn't meet with me. 

I feel like the kid in class with an empty valentine's day sack. Everyone else is feeling God and experiencing God and I'm over here wishing "everyone else" were me. That either they would agree that we don't really get to meet with God unless we are Noah or something, or that I would be elevated to their level of being able to meet with Him, too. 

I left church with an angry heart. I went home with an angry heart. My day was fine, but deep inside I was still stewing. 

God, WHY won't you meet with me? What is it about me that disgusts you so much that even though you promise in your Word that you will reveal yourself to us, you don't include me in that? 

(Ed. Note: I know this isn't true. But these are my thoughts. They are jerks.) 

I'm not like King Solomon and his quest for happiness and contentment! I don't party. I don't throw away money. I don't seek earthly pleasures over God's will! So why in the world can't I meet with you?! 

You suck, God. 

Then tonight it hit me like a ton of bricks why Ashley's words today were a) so good and b) exactly what I needed to hear. 

God isn't meeting with me because I am not wanting to meet with Him. 

Wait , what? Yes I do! 

No, you don't , Tam. 

Everything I do is through a filter of how I'm going to feel. I've had a good life, but I've also had some key moments where I've been hurt very badly. 

And so, for as long as I can remember , I live my life with the goal of not getting hurt. 

"I'll be your friend but you'll never really know me." 

"Why should I get involved with this when I'm just going to be disappointed?" 

"There's no point in bettering myself when things will just turn to garbage again." 

ILL MEET WITH YOU GOD, BUT ONLY IF IT MEANS YOULL HEAL ME ON MY TERMS IN MY TIMING. 

Oh crud. 

So, I'm apparently more like King Solomon than I initially thought. I love God, but not with my whole heart. I want to make him happy, but I'm so selfish. 

So as i tantrum and scream and fight with myself about being better, I actually get worse.

God "meets" with me by lavishing me with gifts - a healthy ministry, happy children, a comfortable lifestyle - because i don't allow him to meet with me any other way. Like how those missionaries dropped presents to the remote Amazonians because they wanted to express love and kindness without getting a spear in their rear.....I don't trust Gos to not hurt me. 

My prayer for my life has shifted dramatically today. I'm not going to ask God for healing anymore. I am, but not on my terms. Whatever His are ....which will probably involve a lot of tears and going THROUGH pain instead of up or around it. 

But maybe if I can get out of my own way long enough to let God work, then maybe things will feel terrible for awhe and then actually be truly better. 

But my real prayer now is not that God will heal me, but rather that I can meet with Him regardless of whether or not He does. That I can align my heart with his and even if this pain remains for the rest of my life, that I will still want to meet with Him through it above all else.