Tam's Thoughts and Wanderings

New Blog

2010-06-18T13:05:00.001-07:00

Since I am no longer serving as an AG missionary, I've started a new blog to document our brand new ministry adventures, as well as just day to day blessings in our life.

The past month has been a true example of life unexpected, and yet also life lived to its fullest.

Would love to continue to have you as a reader - leave a comment or email me if you would like the new link <3

2010-06-13T16:28:00.000-07:00

Initially I thought having dance disappear from my life as quickly as a fart in a fan factory would be super traumatizing and make life horribly mundane. But really, even though I miss all of the girls terribly, I am enjoying this sort of planned/sort of unexpected break.

"I almost feel like I am sinning against God - wasting days not doing ministry" I told Frank the other day.

"Well the pace at which you usually live your life is sin, actually" he retorted.

Oh. So you mean God still loves me exactly the same whether or not I burn the candle at both ends? You mean it's okay if I REST? Of course I already knew this logically - but in my heart - it has just been a very, very long time since the term "lazy summer" applied to me, and while things are far from lazy, I am really enjoying the time off.

It feels like I've gone non-stop since elementary school - gosh, I think I actually have. I NEVER went home right after school - I always had to be DOING something, and now God is confirming to me in all kinds of different ways that it's okay to just REST in Him, and to just spend some time being loved and loving & supporting those in my life. I won't do it forever - I will go absolutely crazy if I do - but life is a bit slower now until Royal Stage launch in September, and I am really enjoying the way God is speaking to me as I spend some time just slowing down.

I cleaned our whole house today top to bottom - the exterior of our house is so gross and icky looking - it's lawn lacking and we live next door to drug dealers (very nice drug dealers, don't get me wrong, but still....), but the inside can be okay when I make an effort :) So I cleaned. A lot. It feels good to be getting all cleaned up on the inside - God is cleaning out my heart, and I can clean the house :)

We went to Kayla's 8th grade graduation (she's in high school?! what?! she was ONE YEAR OLD when Frank and I started dating!!!). She goes to a performing arts charter school and they even fed us (which always makes me loyal) ;)

The graduate! :) It was horrendously windy, so Sam's cute sandals & yacht pants ensemble was thwarted with a windbreaker - ah well.

Then I made some big apple cupcakes for the Turning Pointers who left for NY that day. They came out pretty cute.

Yesterday was spent all day with my gorgeous and amazing sister in law, eating crepes and going second hand shop hopping through midtown.

The upcoming week is full of friends and my mom is coming up for a couple of days. Life is fun :) I can definitely get used to this whole idea of rest :)

More Like Falling In Love

2010-06-10T14:00:00.000-07:00

God has made my heart so full the past couple of days - nothing really in life dictates this, except His goodness and the way He always provides. Sometimes I struggle to describe the passion I have for God without being "wordy" or like a zealot, and sometimes I mess up what He blesses me with. But right now, I feel like I am walking right in step with Him, and that feels amazing.

I heard this song on the radio today. It really put my heart right now into words. So awesome - I hope this guy gets lots of air play.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mA9IfB7coKg

More Like Falling In Love - Jason Gray

Give me rules
I will break them
Give me lines
I will cross them
I need more than a truth to believe
I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes
To sweep me off my feet
It ought to be

More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
It’s like I’m falling, oh
It’s like I’m falling in love

Give me words
I’ll misuse them
Obligations
I’ll misplace them
‘Cause all religion ever made of me
Was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet
It never set me free
It’s gotta be

CHORUS

…It’s like I’m falling in love, love, love
Deeper and deeper
It was love that made
Me a believer
In more than a name, a faith, a creed
Falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me

Summer Unexpected

2010-06-05T18:00:00.000-07:00

I would like everyone who prays, to pray for me today if you have time. And, whatever God decides, my will or not, that you will then proceed to rejoice - because God is good. Even when we may not understand Him, and even when things hurt and don't make sense. Sometimes we can have grand or good intentioned plans - and when those are executed, they do not end up anything like we hoped.

Obviously I am talking about something bigger here, but I will go with a more light-hearted example instead:

Today Frank, Sam and I packed up the cooler and went to meet Myriah and Greg halfway for a picnic. We chose a park that we would both have to drive an equal distance to get to, and when we got there - the park was completely overtaken with a special event.....

The African American Association Juneteenth Celebration

Needless to say, we did not blend in well, but we still joyously had a picnic and supported the central valley's black community by purchasing some overpriced frozen treats.

Good times.

So, this summer is not going to be anything what I expected. But, I am still looking forward to a lot of things that will warrant major rejoicing - and even if these things work out as well expected as our picnic that was hijacked by soul food and volunteer fire fighters, it is still going to be a lot of fun!

Hawaii! July 16!

Sam turns 2! Also July 16!

Renting a beach house with my besties for my birthday! August!

Non-profit starting! September!

Life is good, life is fun - I will embrace my treasured friends, look forward to making new ones, and just try my best to have joy <3

The Commotion of Devotion

2010-05-24T09:46:00.000-07:00

So this weekend we took a mini-trip to the bay area to spend time with family, and it was a nice break - a chance to rest (thank you mom!) and recharge. Frank and I spent Thursday morning in a meeting that brought healing and clarity to the situation that was upsetting me so much last week. I know one thing is for certain - God will guide those who really seek Him and desire to be guided by Him. Otherwise, He will just leave you the heck alone. I am glad He isn't leaving me alone and bugging me constantly to work things out according to what He wants.

Dance starts again tomorrow. It's a bittersweet time of ministry - definitely my least favorite. It's difficult when participants don't come back because of life changes, anxiety-filling not knowing if anyone will show up at all, and daunting meeting new people. But it always ends up being great after all is said and done, so I know I need to have an August mentality rather than a May one.

Life is about to be a crazy commotion again - especially with the furthering of the "big plans" and I just got asked to prepare a drama class for Mosaic. Fun! But I will be tired!

The weather here has been so nice - it's identical to Santa Clara, which is really weird this time of year. I am loving it. This weekend we took Sam to Happy Hollow - a bay area childhood staple that I have never, ever been to. Better late than never I suppose!

He really loved it and wore his new hat

Got kissed by a cow

Washed goats

And we made my mom really, really mad with this temporary tattoo. It has nothing to do with going to Happy Hollow, but it was pretty funny.

Fueling Up At The Right Station

2010-05-19T07:47:00.000-07:00

I read this quote today, "The religious artist seeking to create great art must begin by disregarding his every concern for propriety."

It's from John Shore's blog - he's my kind of Christian - blunt, provocative in his topics, yet loving and totally, 100% saved. And you know who else is like that? My kind of Jesus. Instance after instance in the Bible, we see the Lord's bluntness, his fearlessness against the tough stuff - and He also hugs children and prostitutes and has complete confidence in His Heavenly Father.

It dropped upon me like an anvil this morning during my quiet time that I have been too concerned about propriety. I have been looking to others for the approval in my art - in my dance, my writing, my chances to speak up - I do it all for God, but I think in a subconscious part of my mind, I also do it for a handful of other people's approval. The thought made me sick. I try to be blunt, provocative and loving. Sometimes I succeed, and sometimes I do not - but to realize just how strongly I look to the approval of others, and how now that one of those key people have totally, 100% failed me and I am left with this brittle skeleton of self-esteem and assurance of the road ahead......well.....

I have given a "preliminary resignation." That's my naming of it - a statement I made after a lot of prayer that after August, I will walk away from the positions in ministry I have been given, until I can come to a way and understanding of being able to do things on only God's terms without being stifled or frowned upon.

It's scary. Really scary. And of course there are things that can change my heart - God, first of all, compelling me to stick around. Or the individuals around me committing to act more biblically in the future - and I of course need to work on that more myself. There's a lot of grey, and will continue to be until the end of the summer. God can heal anything, and He can do anything - so we will just have to wait and see!

But as for now - I am not going to give a concrete answer on anything except this:

I need more of my Jesus than ever before, and I am determined to stick by Him and learn more about His character and love for me and others. I don't care where I go to church, what people say about me, or what they try to pin upon me - I am just going to be walking with my God.

2010-05-14T07:33:00.000-07:00

So I know the bible says that God will direct our steps when we trust Him. But then I said to God yesterday, okay JC, my steps right now look like this:

To which I am pretty sure God responded "so what?"

Every morning when I wake up, the day before me feels like one of those trust fall activities everyone has to do at camp or in middle school. Go to a high spot, close your eyes, and let yourself fall as a group of your friends (or frienemies) giggles and wiggles below you. "Oh we'll catch you, don't worry!" they exclaim. And fortunately, when it was my turn, they always did. Probably because I was 90 pounds until 11th grade.

But it never felt stable or secure before falling. And sometimes I don't feel stable or secure with God's plans. This is a good lesson in how our feelings can outweigh truth. Truth says God will direct our steps. Truth says he is a million times more stable than a middle school trust circle. And you know what? He's never let me fall - unless it was for my own dang good and even then it was so he could completely rebuild and make me stronger.

So was it really a fall at all?

Today is a big decision day. At 8am I think the majority of those decisions have been made now - but I am going to commit it to God for one more day to make sure it's what He wants.

Because if I have to climb a path like the one in that picture - if I have to let myself fall from a very high place - then He is the one I want to catch me. He has a great track record.

May you feel His strong arms today too. <3

Please say honestly You won't give up on me And I shall believe.....

2010-05-03T15:32:00.000-07:00

At the urging of people who I think must really love me in order to put up with me in all the ways they do, I called Kaiser at least a dozen times. Each time, I got an answering machine. Then we called an advice nurse, who gave us a different phone number, which led to another voicemail response.

Three years ago was the last time I had to really deal with this on the level that I am now - I had a rotten doctor who looked at me funny over the rim of his glasses and had an accent that always hindered whatever it was he was trying to tell me. I am not being unfair - I usually love a good accent. I gave up and walked away when Dr. Crap for Crap seemed to be my only option.

When I moved 40 miles away, quit my magazine job and started a new life over here, I had good justification for a new doctor. I went on a 2 month wait list. It's been seven. Hence all of the phone calls - I just need medicine. It shouldn't be this hard.

My last voicemail was outright screaming and crying into a "please leave your message after the tone" abyss. I never heard back. I wondered what ever became of all of those voicemails - does my HMO just make me a nameless number where a disinterested secretary presses delete all day long for $8.50 an hour?

Today, we finally got through to someone. Today also in the mail, I randomly got a Kaiser appointment reminder postcard. It was an appointment for June, with Dr. Crap for Crap, 40 miles away. I suppose my messages were received after all. But they weren't listened to. My phone never rang, my name was probably never put on a list. Just some machine slapped my name on a blue and white postcard next to a doctor I despise (and I'm pretty sure the feeling's mutual), and if I want to get better, then I just need to suck it up and go.

Even with the breakthrough of today, I still have to go to Dr. Crap for Crap. There are too many people, not enough time, not enough resources to be of individual interest. Not that I want to be. I am ashamed of this, I am frustrated by this, I am wounded by this. I don't want to sing or tap dance about how great it makes me. Because any feelings of self worth I ever had are completely, totally gone. My spirit feels like a vandalized home - everything of value is gone.

I know my God is good, I know my God is great. But tonight things just seem so much bigger than I am, and not in an all-encompassing, "God is peace and love" sort of way. I know that He is that, I just cannot feel that. I cannot justify it being available for myself. Things are just too broken.

Being a Christian does not mean I can't hurt, it doesn't mean my faith is gone or that God is dead - it just means that right now is a time I wish I could express my heart better to my family, my friends, and my Jesus. I am burned out, broken down, thrown for a loop....vandalized from the inside out.

I told a few people in confidence about my doubts after August. And of course, while I know some are a vault, there always leaks in girl circles, and now about a dozen people have asked me, "Hey Tam, have you made a decision yet about _______________?"

No. No I haven't. I know nothing. I am thinking more simple, fragmented, retarded thoughts right now. Do I really want to dance anymore? Where did I start getting so afraid? Is it fair to Sam to have a mother like me? Why do we always end up sort of just standing there in the parking lot after church while everyone around us gets invited to go have lunch or hang out somewhere?

Why are connections so hard to make, and how can so many people consider me to be a close friend when I am so wrought with secrets and struggles that I can't even type a sentence at this point?

I am so overcome right now, I crave desperately for Jesus to overcome me. It's the only way. And yet a part of me fears......there are just too many people, not enough time, not enough resources to be of individual interest.

Please my Jesus, consider me to be of individual interest. If only for a moment.

Thank you, that I am important to you for much longer than a moment. That despite the vandals, every piece of me is beyond insured and redeemed.

Forgive me for losing sight of that. And for whatever ends up coming next.

P.S. - I miss my thinking spot in the bay very much right now.

Life After The Ball

2010-04-30T16:15:00.000-07:00

So my plan to post after every "Cinderella Reimagined" show did not exactly go as planned. Seven performances is a lot for a group that usually does three or four, and yet the time just slipped away so quickly, there was no time or patience left for the ordeal of fighting with Blogger's picture uploader.

I have more photos below, but seriously check out this amazing slideshow. It captured every poignant moment of our production.

But now life has calmed down, and here we are - 5 days post-Cinderella. The 7 performances were a dream come true. Over 20 audience members made a decision for Christ, and many more wrote us emails and/or came up to us after the show to thank us for our uplifting, encouraging message. We got almost 100% positive feedback - either the show totally rocked, or like someone told me once - friends and family lie to you and tell you that you did great because that is just what you do for church plays.

I don't think that was the case this year, as we gave away over 545 free outreach tickets to total strangers. And the craziest thing? The strangers showed up in droves. Every show was full, and the final performance was pure craziness.

We had a mix up with the times the janitor received, and so we were locked out of the theatre until 4pm, which is the time our show was supposed to start. After a brief mental breakdown, I pow wowed the dancers and told them the issue, and left Steve and Jill in charge of telling every audience member that um, well, we would be starting half hour late and sorry.

God was beyond nice to us - it was the perfect time of day for lots of shade outside the building, not a single audience member got angry, and the line was so long for the show, that we did not have a single seat left. We had to add extra chairs and cram people in way beyond fire code regulations. And the last performance was a goodie.

Thanks, Jesus. You are so amazing. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of this. Here are some final shots of the show - and I try to be a better blogger. Probably.

It is tradition around Turning Point to rejoice when you wear your first hole into your dance shoe. Nicole and Little Jessica (LJ) received their first holes our second weekend. Much rejoicing was had at becoming a "real" dancer.

I cherish our adult dancers. Diana is my heart, hero and inspiration <3 style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 504px; height: 378px;" src="http://lh6.ggpht.com/_iKPgrlZqrSo/S9tlXQd1X8I/AAAAAAAABLY/JlIZOUmGBCA/s640/IMG_0882.JPG" alt="" border="0">The Valeros are an amazing family. And they gave Sam the best seat in the house during our obscenely crowded final performance.

Cheering and screaming backstage after our final performance.

The cast presented me with flowers after the last show. I was really honored. And here is everyone. We have an overpopulation issue in creative arts right now. But it's also really fun.

This was taken during the show. I shouldn't allow such antics. But I was busy being in the photo.

Oops again. ;)
I love LJ. She is such a sweetie.

Cinderella Show #2

2010-04-19T08:45:00.001-07:00

Last night was even more amazing. The theatre was packed. There wasn't a single seat available, and kids were spilling over into the aisles. The cast did another incredible job - I continue to be amazed at them.

Then, after the show, 3 adults and several children made the decision to accept Christ. So we are only on performance two, and mission accomplished! I am so excited for our 5 shows next weekend! <3

Favorite pics from last night:

Cinderella Opening Night

2010-04-18T07:15:00.000-07:00

Cinderella Reimagined opened last night, and all that I can say is that I have a LOT of thank yous to give - and especially to God because He provided in so many ways. Pretty much every single prayer I prayed was asked for. Here's a quick run down:

Team Spirit

The casts of our shows have always been remarkable. There is hardly ever any drama, everyone genuinely gets along, and they all pull together in the end. It's pretty typical to find them laughing, helping each other master a dance step in hallways, etc. etc. It's just a great group. However, there has always been a struggle to form a prep and coordination team. I have done way too much work by myself for too long, and have been BURNED OUT.

This weekend, when it was time to put up all the set pieces and arrange the props, an army of helpers came to the theater. Entire families came - kids and adults getting stuff done. Every time I started to do a job, it got taken away from me - I was completely worthless! It was awesome! The help continued into show day - a few women offered to be my "go to" girls, and I really worked them. They helped out in INCREDIBLE ways, and when the show started, I was feeling zero stress or nerves. It really was like, "Oh cool. It's 7:00. Let's get going."

That was very nice :)

Shining That Light

Oh, we always have fun - the dances and lines always have highs and lows - but this year, I really confidently feel that every single cast member allowed God to shine through them. The energy on stage was great, everyone had so much fun, it was evident who they were performing for, and their outcome was extraordinary.

A "Woo hoo!" Response

Except for one unfortunate incident at the start of the performance, the audience seemed to love the production. A lot of people told us that this was the best show we've done - people say that every year - and I take that as a big encouragement because it means we are continually improving. With Cinderella, we took leaps and bounds. We had remarkable acting coaches, committed families, and Pastor Jeff delivered a great message afterward. There are no words to express how grateful I am to everyone involved.

P.S. - Diana & Janet - thank you for providing the AMAZING concessions. I was drooling over those cupcakes and cookies!!!

Here are some of my favorite shots of some of my favorite people. Lots more photos to come:

These were taken by a photographer we adore. Check out his website - borelfoto.com

April Redeemed

2010-04-11T22:25:00.000-07:00

April has been, to put it lightly, a crappy month thus far. I had high hopes for April. The opening of Cinderella Reimagined, the prospect of beginning to expand our family again, a relaxing weekend in the bay area.....

So far, I will not be touching ground in the bay area any time soon. I just went back on birth control for another month. And my depression & anxiety has come back with full force. Like a violent tsunami blowing away the restoration and healing I received in college, drowning me down with panic attacks, violent bouts of darkness and sadness, self injury habits coming back into play....

To this I all say - Satan, give me a freaking break. Can't you do better than this? Don't you think I know by now that you LOOOOVE to mess with our spring show - stress me out the week prior to the point where I am in tears all the time and wonder why we even bother? Make it seem like a tiny, meaningless thing amidst a huge ocean of other ministry endeavors?

Don't you think I know how you just love to play up my depression, my panic attacks, my puny self esteem....

It's only April 11th. The month is still young, and I know there is time for it to be redeemed. I am counting on you, God, for a few things:

1) That people who received the outreach tickets will actually show up to the performances and that lives will be changed. Impacted. Saved.

2) That the actors and dancers will not be flawless, but be good - good at what they do to the point that others will want to do it too, and our summer programs will be blessed with new participants and that audience members will leave feeling hope and satisfaction over what they just saw.

3) That I can go home in May. And see family, friends, and good healthy rest.

I am counting on you Jesus. I am not going to worry anymore. Thanks for loving me.

Weekend Blessings

2010-03-22T10:08:00.000-07:00

This was a pretty amazing weekend. It was also pretty crazy - but the amazing part is found within the craziness. Does that make sense?

We had dance camp this weekend - the one weekend out of the year where we mandate EVERY SINGLE PERFORMER to come and "live" at the church for 24 hours and we rehearse a lot. Probably more than what is reasonably healthy, but at the same time, the dancers have a ton of fun and things usually work out pretty well. This year was no exception. Highlights of the weekend:

1) One of our actors broke his collarbone. He was to be in a cast for 6 weeks, automatically benching him from being in the Cinderella performances. During a prayer meeting on Friday night, he was healed, and now just 6 days later, he is out of his cast and back in action.

2) One of our dancers has had intense stomach pains that have sent her to the ER. During our prayer and worship time with The Well on Friday night, she felt instant relief from her pain, and was able to rehearse fully.

3) We had a relatively smooth first run through of Cinderella.

4) We had an encouragement circle - it was supposed to last about 30 minutes. Over 2 hours later, dancers will still edifying each other - it was a wonderful and beautiful time of self-esteem boosting and expression of love.

5) Church on Sunday was very powerful. The message moved people deeply, and a deep seeded conflict between two creative arts participants was brought to a place where healing can begin.

6) We sold out our opening night show with ticket sales, and a few of the other shows are close to being full as well.

Finally, my aunt came to visit unexpectantly. My grandmother was admitted to the hospital and she stopped by without much warning on her way home to Tahoe. We have not spoken in about five years, and I was really dreading the visit. All of my dread and anxiety was transformed into a really lovely visit, and we even got a chance to pray together.

I love renewal.

With All My Heart

2010-03-17T23:46:00.000-07:00

The bible clearly states that after we become a Christian, we should love, trust, seek and serve God with all our hearts. Really, it isn't too difficult. If you accept Jesus into your heart, and surround yourself with a healthy community that never pressures you into anything you don't feel called to do - then loving, trusting, seeking and serving God just comes naturally. You feel His love through them, you feel His love through the Bible, you feel His love through every day experience and action.

But sometimes, that doesn't come without opposition. The devil hits hard when he wants to, especially when you commit your life to doing awesome, good, positive things. And holy cow did I get walloped tonight. And I am still getting beaten on.

I love my Jesus, I go to a great church, but sometimes I feel it is just impossible for me to discover where God wants me to be. It seems like this year, I just cannot get my footing - everything I touch turns to crap, and while I am never giving up on God and His goodness....I may have to give up on what I thought was "right" for awhile in terms of where I serve Him and how.

Hungry For God And Regular Hungry Too

2010-03-16T09:20:00.000-07:00

I am going to be blogging every day for the next 21 days, and hope that you'll come along with me for prayer, insight and advice. The reason for the incessant writing is 3-fold: I really love to write and have been neglecting that passion except for when I get a paycheck for it, God is doing a lot of things in me right now and I want to have it for memories, & our church is doing a 21-day fast and I know that God is going to use that time to reveal a lot of stuff, and I am holding out hope that what He speaks will be eye-opening.

I had a lot of agony over fasting. I've never done it before, and I've always joked that God will NEVER call me to it, because He loves me and would never want to see me suffer that much. ;) I love food, all friends and family ever want to do is go out to eat - it has become such a cultural thing in our society. And really, as much as I'm hooked, it's kind of gross. When I need sushi more than Jesus, it's time to slow down and admit it - okay, okay Lord, it's time for a fast. Boo. I'll be obedient, but don't expect any cartwheels.

Everyone is fasting differently. A ton of people are doing the Daniel Fast. Some are doing just water or gatorade. Some are fasting from a favorite food, a pasttime, etc. etc. After a lot of thought and prayer, this is what I've decided my fast is going to be:
1) No sugar or caffeine
2) No eating out - everything I eat needs to come from the grocery store or my kitchen
3) Nothing but water from sunup to sundown.

#3 is going to be a killer - I Daniel Fasted the first two days, decided I was doing it out of utter and total legalism, and decided last night that the above 3 rules is what God wants me to do right now.

I have not had a drop of caffeine or sugar (except that found naturally in whole fruit), and I feel healthy. Not a smidge of a headache, wheareas usually if I go more than half a day without a Pepsi, I feel dead. God is already carrying me, and I am excited for more of Him.

During this time, I also have a fast list of things I am going to commit to prayer. I am not sharing all of them here, but here are 4 that you can join me in prayer, if you feel led:

1) That God would bless "Cinderella Reimagined" and would bring people to Him through our efforts.

2) That The Royal Stage would make progress, find facilities, and be fruitful this summer

3) That my friends and family will come to know the REAL Jesus. And be blown away by His awesomeness.

4) That God would reveal to Frank and I the right time to expand our family, and that we will be okay with whatever the verdict is.

Ooooooh I want an egg mcmuffin right now VERY MUCH! God is better though <3

2010-03-09T22:18:00.000-08:00

I've switched back to a paper journal. There is something so much more deeply fulfilling about writing thoughts down free of spell check (which doesn't correct me much - I am pretty awesome) and other people's opinions. But don't worry, dear reader, I am not completely weary of the thrills of exhibitionist writing - for all my friends, my critics, and my friends who never talk to me in real life anymore but always read my blog so I am not really sure if they are critics or not- - I will still post here.

March is always the weirdest time. Winter is having a total identity crisis and is about to just give up and succumb to spring, and my stress level is at 300% during our last month of rehearsal. But I am proud to say that this year, my ministry stress isn't half bad. I am not sure if I have finally concluded that it doesn't change things whether or not I have a nervous break down at every turn, or if I've concluded even further that none of this EVEN MATTERS! - but for whatever reason, God keeps drawing me back to it, and here we are - year #5. And so March's hope starts to burst through in the form of dances looking clean and polished, lines being delivered with appropriate emotion, and friendships being formed in powerful and meaningful ways.

The rest of me = complete mess. The laundry's not done, my article deadlines loom, and joining me on this adventure is a vibrant little 19 month old, who will apparently spontaneously combust if he is forced to sit still for more than five minutes at a time. He is also deeply infatuated with our toilet plunger and gives the most stupidly wonderful hugs and wet kisses. He is seriously the best human being on the planet (no bias here, of course), and sometimes I wish we could just waste the day away making blanket forts, blowing bubbles, and making block towers.

Because then the day wouldn't be a waste at all.

I've been feeling like a waste lately. I've lost track of my Jesus, and I need to find a way to find him again. Pronto.

Flabbergasted

2010-02-23T14:21:00.000-08:00

The posters for Cinderella Reimagined are hung. The postcards have been designed and ordered. And I put out an ad notifying the local community about our free outreach shows. That was at 11pm last night.

Today, by noon, 95 of the tickets for the outreach productions have been reserved. This isn't a fly by the seat of your pants reservation system - people have to contact us through our ad, read a disclaimer and info sheet, click on a registration link, and provide their home address, email, and names and ages of any children in attendance.

The response has been remarkable. These people are being prayed for and followed up upon. We are going to have kids and adults prayer teams, and other resources at the show such as a food closet and counseling services.

And with a prayer and an Internet post, the people are responding. One quarter of what we have space for in only 12 hours.

What. The. Heck.

Thanks God!

A Beautiful Do Nothing Day

2010-02-16T09:57:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had absolutely nothing important to do, and the weather outside was gorgeous. February through April is my window of time where I enjoy Sacramento - and it's been forever since I had nothing on my calendar. It will also be forever until sunshine and schedules align again, and so Sam and I enjoyed the day.

We "painted" with water:

Attempted finger painting:

Went for a walk around our neighborhood:

Found a worm:

A couple of days before, we discovered a newfound love for bubbles:

It was a sweet few days. I love February :) <3

How Sam Went Nuts, and Other Stories....

2010-02-10T22:49:00.000-08:00

Wednesday is my favorite day of the week. Especially this time of year, when I can see red balloons and heart shaped boxes of candy in the store windows as I drive in the NO LONGER FLIPPING FREEZING weather to the church. I (usually) love my weekly meeting with Pastor Scott, always get to have lunch with one of my favorite friends, and best of all I get the chance to recenter, refocus, and catch up on my life.

However - when you have a small child, never make plans.

Right after lunch at our favorite Mongolian BBQ dive with absolutely dreadful customer service, Nichole and I were in the car when the sweet woman who watches Sam for me on Wednesdays called in a panic. She said she had given Sam lunch, and now he was breaking out in a horrible rash and was struggling to breathe and would I please come right away?

Not what a mommy wants to hear in the middle of her lovely Wednesday, and sure enough, when I picked him up, he was wheezing, coughing and sobbing - covered from head to toe in hives. We rushed him to the hospital, and in transition I got a list from freaked out babysitter as to what he had eaten that day.

Drum roll please......peanut butter! Oh, how proud and horrified I was - just like his mother, he is officially doomed to a life devoid of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and any food "processed in a factory that may contain nuts."
(aka EV-ER-Y-THING!!!!!)

So for those of you who wonder what happens with a new found peanut allergy, I present the following visual:

Playing with the defibrillator:

Sad Sam with his impressively nasty rash:

Then Nichole surrendered her Blackberry, and suddenly life was okay again:

One injection, two oral meds, and three prescriptions later - we left the ER. They even hooked him up to a monitor for awhile, just like the good ol' times in the NICU.

Poor Frank. He was so hoping for a buddy to eat Peanut Butter Captain Crunch with.

In other news, we had a GREAT rehearsal last night, and managed to get a picture with most of our cast. There are about 5 missing from this shot, so um, yes please pray for me. :)

What a roomful of jewels though - they are just so amazing, there aren't words. Well there are....COME SEE OUR SHOW IN APRIL!

My second favorite holiday is on Sunday, and I made some treats for my fellow church staffers and our marriage group. I am pretty dang proud of them.

Rice krispy treats, pink & red M&Ms, Devil's food cupcakes, and happy heart cookies:)

All boxed and ready to go!

A Hurting Heart 101

2010-02-08T10:01:00.000-08:00

If you are a long time reader of my blog, you know that when I was in college, I received a healing from God. In my 20+ (oh my gosh, wow, really- yep, since I was 8) years of dealing with this mess, there was a night where the Lord really met me and a group of praying friends. It literally felt that night as if Satan's best taunters and teasers packed up camp and left out the front door. Since then I have never been hospitalized again, I've rarely been on medication, and my life has been healthy enough to hold down jobs, lead a ministry, have a happy marriage and be a mom.

But to say there haven't been struggles would be a big whopping lie. There are still countless days that I have to fight with my entire being to get out of bed. There is still a sting from relationships that have long been dead in the grave due to things I did. Sometimes friendships fade or grow apart, and sometimes it's like its heads are chopped off because you angered someone to the point of no return. That's what happens - people don't understand, you don't dare explain, and then you drag around this carcass of regret everywhere you go. For the stupid things you said, the stupid things you did, etc.

Stupid Facebook. I hate you.

One evening several weeks ago, one of my dancers came up to me, excitedly telling me some story about something in her life, but her lead in was "hey remember that time you had cuts all over your arms and you couldn't remember how they got there?"

My heart sank that I had played dumb that day, and even though it was probably more than appropriate she will never know the truth, it is still such a burden to hide so often.

When people pray for me, they often ask God to help me find the "root of the issue", and sometimes I pray for that, too. And other times I just accept and embrace the fact that I have a medical condition that others around me do not, and that just like a stuffy nose or a sprained ankle - sometimes my brain clogs or breaks, and there is nothing I can do except wait it out and try to ignore everything I'm feeling.

I have had some wild things happen to me in my life - I understand that certain traumas or incidents can throw one further down into darkness...but this is different. It's been with me forever. This dark cloud that doctors call clinical and pew warmers call unconfessed sin. And someday, when I stand before God, I'll probably learn it's somewhere in between.

Until then, I will just continue to stuff and stuff things down, and while I'll always hope for the opportunity to talk and pray with someone, it's just too hard now to confide in problem solvers or sit with someone who just plain thinks I am a crazy whiner.

But in case someone else is reading this who is hurting too.....know that I understand. And it all totally bites.

And if you're the friend or family member of someone like me - I have no good advice. I can't ever bring myself to Google the pain and unfairness of mental illness.

So....just tell them you love them.

And I Hope These Things You'll Love

2010-02-01T09:21:00.000-08:00

February is here, and in only 15 days, you will be nineteen months old. I can't even fathom the possibility of this - time is going by so quickly - everything seems to be in both fast forward and slow motion simultaneously, and even though that's a bit disconcerting, I am grateful that your life is here.

As you get ready to enter your nineteenth month of life, here are 19 things I love that I hope someday you'll love, too.

1) Rain on windows - the way the waterdrops tap dance against the glass, a soothing song that you may find to be the perfect backdrop for reading, writing or praying.

2) Sushi - which you're going to have to love when you're big enough to eat it, because we already take you with us all the time. :)

3) Hawaii - the mountain mist, the perfect snow cone, ultimate contentment in flip flops.

4) Good worship music. Really good worship music - the way your heart fills up to bursting at the excitement over what you're hearing is only a preview of how Heaven will sound.

5) A great exploring spot - for me and your Aunt Becky, it was the creek behind our elementary school, down the street from Grandma's house. For you it may be your backyard when it's finished, or the field behind the church. Wherever you choose where you can be a pirate or a cowboy, a great adventurer or a quiet ponderer.

6) Swimming pools - the splash of summer, diving under into a green-blue haze where the world is muffled but the sun above still feels brilliant and free of responsibility.

7) Christmas afternoon - the presents are all opened, dinner is cooking, and all is sweet and quiet.

8) Anywhere but here - the tremendous gift of travel. The ability to discover first hand how different we are, and yet we're all the same. The fun of new foods, a different smell in the air, seeing life from a new (and better) perspective.

9) Disneyland - fireworks and Mickey Mouse, root beer floats and wide eyes at parades. I've already gotten to experience this with you <3>

10) The first sign of spring - a flower, a gentle breeze, a blue sky, the first time you run outside to play and forget about your jacket.

11) Stories - I love reading to you, and you seem to love being read to. So far, so good. I can't wait for this to be a bedtime ritual in our house.

12) Honesty - I hope you will cherish the truth, and that others around you will honor you with such.

13) A friend you can tell anything to - You will find this to be of huge value sometimes, even on the days it feels as if no one is listening.

14) The ocean - You are growing up in California. Take advantage of it. Allow it to let you feel small, so you can experience how big God is.

15) Cheesecake.

16) Forgiveness. And the blessed ability to fully forgive others.

17) Your Nonna's recipes - I am paying close attention to her in the kitchen, because I know someday I'm going to have to try my best to capture the essence of them and hope to cook them for your kids someday, too.

18) Your job. - Whatever you end up doing, whoever you end up being - I pray that you will be happy. Your daddy and I cheated fate - we are both doing pretty much exactly what we hoped to do "when we grew up", and I wish the same for you.

19) Yourself. - Always love and be proud of who you are. Because you, my little boy, are a handsome and remarkable little creature.

Much Is Expected

2010-01-31T22:18:00.001-08:00

There is a passage in the book of Luke (12:48) that scares the bejeezers out of me. It's not anything about hellfire or unimaginable plagues, but is simply this:

"To whom much is given, much is expected."

The reason it worries me is because knowing it's true, I am in a heap of trouble when it comes to my level of responsibility, because it feels as if I've been given the world.

The sun shone through our bedroom curtains this afternoon, and it seems maybe my favorite season may come early this year. We've had nine days of rain, and to so to see sunshine and a tree full of little black birds chirping and chattering away by our window was a welcomed sight. Winter is so long, and spring is so short - that it feels as if you close your eyes, you may just miss it altogether.

God has blessed me lately with a perfect peace. It isn't about having a perfect life - Cinderella Reimagined rehearsals continue to be precarious, my best friend's mom is extremely ill with cancer, and my family roots continue to be chaos, but then God counters our fears and hurts....

"I can't believe she feels/acts that way" = "When God approves of your life, even your enemies will end up shaking your hand" (Prov 16:7)

"Cancer sucks" = "Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life." (Phil 4:7)

"Family chaos makes me cry" = "At day's end I'm ready for sound sleep, for you, God, have put my life back together. " (Psalm 4:8)

I looked around at rehearsal today, with dancers all around me, and was completely dumbstruck. The simple, little idea God gave me has continually been something that people WANT to come and be a part of. No one is required to join Turning Point, and yet so many have, and the group is on the brink of becoming a part of something much, much larger. I was just figuratively smacked down to my knees in humbleness in what God has done. It's been remarkable to see. I have so many stories to tell.

I am so excited for the Turning Point restructure, and the merge with Royal Stage when I have time to create and establish that - it's going to be full of God's glory, and I've been praying for Him to continually humble me, give me an anguished heart for people who are hurting and could benefit either from the message of a strong group or participating in one. The only complaint Turning Point may encounter in the next 6 months to 2 years is that it is "too Christian" - in the sense that we'll be even more sold out for Jesus than ever before, and loving and accepting others more than ever before.

And I think I am willing to live with that criticism.

But beyond all that, there is so much to be grateful for. A perfect culmination of how God's brought peace into my life in a way that makes it feel as if I am safe, blessed, and have been given the world. All of a sudden there was some sort of breakthrough I can't really describe, other to say that God surely does meet with those who seek Him. All fear, hesitation and sadness is gone when it comes to life.

There is only messy, yet beautiful work to complete for His kingdom. Life is so short - keep your eyes open, or you may miss it.

I Could Just Throw Up From Excitement, But Sam Already Did.

2010-01-21T15:20:00.000-08:00

Two very exciting things happened in my ministry life this week, right when two rather cruddy things happened in my personal life. But when I really think about it....people are always going to let us down. Humans are kind of disappointing yet predictable in that way. But God will never let us down, which makes ministry life more important and exciting, and definitely worth meditating upon instead!

The first exciting turn of events is that my dance world expanded by 37 today, as I started my first day working as the dance teacher at Mosaic Christian Enrichment Center. It is a whole gaggle of homeschool kids who are awfully cute and painfully energetic. One of my best Turning Point teens is going to assist me with the hip hop portion (because um, really, me? hip hop? no....) and I am teaching worship dance and ballet. My victory moment came when a crowd of snickering adolescent boys suddenly got super serious about their tendus and whispered to each other, "Geez, this ballet thing is kind of hard!"

Anyway, I am going to try to take a photo of all of them next Thursday - definitely a bunch of new faces to pray for.

In light of expansion and new ministry relationships, I prayed and wrote up a proposal for my ultimate non-profit dream come true performing arts center. I gave it to my superiors at Harvest and it was approved! I am still going to be working as a missionary commissioned to the local church for the next year and a half, but I am also going to be working on grants, non-profit numbers, researching commercial properties, etc. Eek! Pray!

I am not going to advertise to the world all that God is doing (yet!), but I am so excited I can take the steps now to make this all a reality - and that reality is going to be a TON of work.

I still can't stop grinning from excitement though....that there may someday soon be a place where people of any age can come and create for the Lord - dance, sing, paint, act, write - without judgment or insecurity. So awesome! <3 Those who are involved with creative arts are going to see some tremendous and positive changes - and for those who aren't but want to be, now is the time! :)

Today was supposed to be my day to focus and get things done, but I had to pick up Sam early from day care due to a time conflict. Jill was sweet enough to offer to watch him at the church while I worked, and happy little Sam all of a sudden projectile vomited all over the floor.

Remarkable.

What's remarkable, you may ask? The answer would be "exactly how much vomit can come out of a 23 pound kid." He was playing and happy all morning, and then BAM out of nowhere he throws up. This was no little spit up. This was vomit reaching impressive distances down a carpeted hallway.

I put him down to start to clean it up, and then he throws up all over himself and INTO my purse. So he is wailing for me to cuddle him, and there is curdled milk and banana just slithering down the church hallway, literally everywhere. So I strip him down to his diaper and onesie, and pick him up, and then he throws up AGAIN all over me.

There is so much puke at this point, there is no hiding it, and there is absolutely no way to avoid wading in it either. It's on my shoes, my entire upper body, my face, my hair, his face, his hair, his onesie, his socks..... two women (one of which I have never met before) tell me to take him home and they will clean it up. I keep trying to help and they tell me to just take him home and not to worry. So I have to wrap him up in a purple flowered blanket from the nursery to get him into the car in his underwear in the pouring rain, and bag what feels like pounds of puke.

I'll bet you did not expect this blog entry to take such a dramatic and disgusting turn, now did you?

Can't Get Enough of You, Boy.

2010-01-08T22:06:00.000-08:00

Today was a crazy day. Sarita is here, visiting from Trinidad, and so we (the dancers) have been taking turns showing her the sights. Today my assignment was to take her to the Jelly Belly Factory in Fairfield, and then off to the mall to find shirts for our worship dance on Sunday. We decided to get lunch in between, and wanted to check Mongolian BBQ off of the list of "must eats" I wrote for her before she arrived. She's so committed to pigging out while in America that she is even taking a special vitamin to make herself hungry and I am impressed by her culinary tenacity. I didn't want to disappoint.

Minerva led us to what was allegedly a Mongolian BBQ, but instead was a shopping center devoid of any restaurants. We settled for a 2nd best option of regular Chinese food that was again, allegedly two miles away, but Minerva was once again a liar as she led us to the address of a THAI restaurant. Dejected, we settled for Texas BBQ (not the same as Mongolian BBQ AT ALL!!!!) and as we trudged into the restaurant, we ran into Jen and Will....and Will saved our sad stomachs by letting us know about an amazing Chinese restaurant down the street, that he then proceeded to confirm by phone that it not only existed and was open, but yes they did serve Chinese food.

Woot!

So today we learned how jelly beans were made, got our Chinese food, got our shirts and cute hair flowers, and listened to Caribbean music. Then at night I went to the church to put up our super awesome mid-Winter service decor with Brandi. The whole day and evening was really, really fun.

But all day long, Sam was with me. And at the end of the day, I realized my heart was broken, because he was the most patient little boy, going with us everywhere without a fuss. And the amount of attention he got was minimal - I talked to him at the jelly bean factory, showing him how things worked, and he got to run the length of the Chinese restaurant because the owners thought he was adorable - but that was pretty much it.

I know taking Sarita around is the exception to the rule and that's okay....but for the rest of my life, I find myself caught between two worlds. The one where I love full time ministry with my whole heart, and I'm happier than I've ever been.....and the one where I just miss my little boy all the time when I have to be gone all day and night, and I just want to take a break from everything and be 100% mommy.

My most important ministry in life will be my children - and Sam is a great choice. His sweetness, his snuggles, his little hands and big eyes - he is so precious and perfect to me, and I feel like I'm missing things. I understand the angst of working moms now, and I worry that I am making bad decisions. And yet they also feel so right.

Little Sam, I wish you could go everywhere with me, but if you did, you would enjoy the ride as much as I am. It may be time after these two years are through, to go along for your ride instead.

Year in Review - Part 2, aka What I Refuse to Call Resolutions

2010-01-01T13:11:00.000-08:00

I am not much of a firm believer in resolutions, because I think they are the same thing as promises, only they are to yourself, and that somehow seems even worse in a way. When I became a mom, one of the first things I promised myself (ha. irony.) is that I would never say "I promise" to Sam - and for the most part, I haven't. But still, when it comes to New Year's resolutions, we all still commit this crime - whether or not we express it to the world outwardly or not. So if I DID make any resolutions this year - then they are staying with me :)

However, here are four things I am committing to in 2010 - and I am majorly looking forward to them :) And as a side note, they are in no particular order because obviously Jesus is more important to me than interior decorating.

1) "Renovate" every room in our home
The first goal is to thoroughly organize every single room in our home, and then starting this month, liven up each room in our house with some redecorating. It will be on a tight budget and it will not have guests gasping in amazement, but by June every room will be complete in little ways that make me happier about living in Sacramento. And then, perhaps at my happiest, it will only be a year or two longer before we can sell this house and move somewhere a bit safer and a bit nicer - without ever getting ahead of ourselves in remembering what's important in life.

2) Dig deeper into God's word
What Christian DOESN'T have this resolution, er, I mean COMMITMENT. ;) But it is good to say/type aloud to remember it's importance. It can easily come before other things in my life - ahem, facebook - and I intend to make it more of a priority. I hope this will become apparent in my blog as the Lord grows me.

3) Refuse to compromise when it counts
God has placed a calling on all of our lives - and lately he has all but screamed mine at me. It's all I think about, and there are three projects in 2010 that I am all fueled up and ready to get going. I refuse to compromise and accept "good enough" when it comes to my ministry opportunities and my personal walk with the Lord. I have become brave enough now to be wise in what I do, but to be clear in what God wants from me. I am nervous, yet excited, to see what the Lord reveals when I am 100% obedient to His guidance.

The other end of this is to not be a bulldozer. Events in the past few months have shown that some just don't care when I thought they did. I am prone to conniptions and now I have fresh insight that the true solution just may be that I need to care 300 times more if others are going to care less. But no matter what, I can always practice kindness, gentleness and self-control. God's ambition never includes hurt feelings and squashed friendships.

4) Write letters more
Email and social networking has robbed us of the true blessing of the written word. So many people in my life deserve a quality letter and an "i love you" that wasn't pounded out of a keyboard. And now I have a good excuse to buy more stationary :)

Happy New Year, everyone. This may not be deep and profound, but I am happy with who I am and who I am on the way toward becoming. And what more can I ask for?

Year in Review - Part 1

2009-12-30T21:25:00.000-08:00

Ladies and gentlemen!

Hello and welcome to December 30, 2009. While Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day are my favorite holidays, 4th of July and New Year's are my most despised. Especially New Years.

But this year was different. 2008 was my throw up from stress year, full of unpredictability and feeling as if I had no idea where I was stepping next until I was already there.....but 2009 was blessed. Joyful. Victorious. Wonderful.

2009, I love you and am sad to see you go. Here are our fun times as BFFs - this year and me :)

Sam's baby dedication was a happy day. It was one of the first times I held him in my arms confident that we had made it. He was healthy, adorable, and endlessly happy.

And his NICU nurses came too, for a lovely reunion.

Project 365 was not what I expected it to be at all. But I love the memories of it because it is a time where I grew a lot in ministry. This was the spring where we performed a beautiful outreach show, and I officially got my tough skin.

I got to go to Little Rock! To see the Bertholics! And learn to be a more effective missionary! And eat at the world's greatest pizza buffet! I heart Arkansas!

The March of Dimes March for Babies. Go, former preemies, go! Thank you God, for the angels who cared for our little one, and the others who are still living in NICUs today. This is Sam with his cousin Kayla at the Capitol steps after the walk.

My last time working with the C.A.E. kids - and grateful that the Lord provided a strong, competent, loving leader in Alisha for their future <3

We also had our first outreach performing arts summer camp. Oh my goodness. I think I am still tired.

Our return trip to Trinidad. Where my skin got even tougher.

And the team broke my bed :)

This 4th of July was different from the past. This one was pure joy. And I love this picture. ;)

Sam's first birthday. And those who love us.

Warm autumn days at Apple Hill.

Cherishing special moments with family.

Dressing up as pirates = diving into my future of having a little boy.

Sushi, how I love thee.

The oddness that is always the holidays.

Our dear Caribbean friend, Sarita, is here visiting California for the first time right now, ringing in the New Year with us.

Here's to 2010. I'll blog once more before midnight. But here's my almost goodbye, and I am so looking forward to the future. <3

Back From Florida

2009-12-28T20:19:00.000-08:00

On Christmas Day, we returned home from our week long Florida adventure. We went to celebrate Frank's parents' 40th wedding anniversary, and we did it with a bang! From fancy dinners to an exclusive boat outing to see Disney World fireworks, we had a great time and I am thankful to God for providing the right timing and everything else we needed to all go as a family to the OTHER Happiest Place on Earth and have a great, relaxing time :)

Sam and U Chun both got 1st visit pins for their inaugural trip to Disney World

And we enjoyed a dinner at Emeril's Orlando restaurant at Universal's CityWalk to celebrate the anniversary. Check out the menu:

Cinderella's castle is my official favorite Christmas decoration of 2009. Stunning: Sam and Grandpa were sure to get matching hats for the big week:
And then we got to be pirates, meeting Captain Hook and setting sail for a fireworks voyage:

We got crazy and climby at EPCOT:

Our boat's view of the fireworks:
And Sam just missed the Spectacle of Dancing Lights. But his feet saw it:

Family holiday portrait Take 1: And 2:

And three :) Happy holidays, everyone!

With a Clear Heart and Mind

2009-12-15T14:28:00.000-08:00

This week I had to make some really tough decisions.

The decisions are probably not what a lot of people expect, and are also things that some people will never know about my thoughts and feelings toward various parts life right now.

This week there have been people who have tried to get into my head regarding certain portions of my life for the wrong reasons - concerned for their own best interests, general curiosity, other agendas that have been more than easy to see through.

There was also a time that was supposed to bring me a little bit of shallow comfort - a person out of a group of friends that would be a time to reconnect and talk with again like old times - but in reality she hardly gave me the time of day, and the moral of the story is that earthly comforts never turn out to be quite the way they were hoped. And our only true assurance is in Christ.

Sometimes I appear aloof in ministry, or probably a better description would be dull-witted. I have days where I forget choreography, where I struggle to find the right words to say in front of a group of over 30 participants that range in age from 12-50, not to mention all of the parents I interact with in the children's program and the strangers I need to make connections with during outreach, missions trips and planning meetings. I can mess up. I can make mistakes.

However, I am not as dull as I look. I have made some decisions this year that I choose to look at as ways God has grown me, toughened me up, and made me wiser in my old age:

- I am not perfect. I will make mistakes, I will appear human, and the more I am human with humbleness and truth, the brighter Christ will shine.

- I am aware there are people within dance ministry who are not there for Jesus. They are there because their friends are, because they like the opportunity to be a top dog, where they wouldn't be if they danced elsewhere because the competition isn't super high within TP, and I have people who have absolutely broken my heart with unfair judgments and unwise decisions.

- I choose to commit to a 50/50 split: 50% = loving those aforementioned individuals and showing them grace. And if they need me to continue to act oblivious to what their agenda is, and to show them unconditional love in a way that won't damage the ministry...I can do that joyfully. 50% = focusing on the MAJORITY of the group that is there for the right reasons - to dance for God, to love one another, and to reach the world for Him.

- I can pray and continue to wait on the Lord without being totally stupid. Sometimes people outside of the "Christian bubble" claim that faith is a sign of weakness...but it can be also a remarkable sign of strength. I trust that my God has me where He wants me, and that I will go where He sends me when the time is perfect.

- I have an assurance in God and in myself that just because I forget things sometimes, or just because people think they can do things better than me sometimes, that my heart is pure and my mind is clear - and I am perfect for where my Father wants me.

And the rest is just something to discover. And to rejoice.

It's Raining Sets and Costumes

2009-12-10T15:47:00.000-08:00

This week, dance ministry blessings flowed....

On Monday evening, Frank, Sarah, Nichole and I trekked 45 minutes away to the middle of nowhere town of Winters to get Cinderella sets and costumes. They had agreed to loan us their set pieces, and they are so pretty!

A preview:

That's it. That's all you get - come see the show!

Then, the first four dancers got to go try on ball gowns. Alexandria's Formal is being so amazing to us - providing us dresses for incredibly cheap, and letting the younger girls play! They get to try on dresses, jewelry, gloves, etc. and dream up their own look for ballroom dancing.

Some of the younger dancers got to go first.

So all of the dancers unanimously agreed to have eight performances instead of four, so our 4 special outreach shows are happening! I am way excited and know God will do incredible things.

Other than that, life chugs along. Sam can walk a lot more now - still only when he wants to, but progressing more and more everyday. You can see it in his eyes...he's focused on one long jaunt around the house one day soon. Aim high, little buddy, dream big.

We leave for Florida in 9 days and then it will be Christmas!

Life is nice!

Snow?!

2009-12-06T09:09:00.000-08:00

I looked at the weather this morning:

I have circled tomorrow's report for dramatic emphasis.

SNOW?!?!?!?!?

It never snows here! I've been in snow maybe 3 or 4 times in my life!

Crazy world, crazy world.

But I'm excited! Pull through, God!! :)

Ministry Revelation While Almost Running Over a 6th Grader

2009-12-04T14:18:00.000-08:00

The beautiful Valero family, who run a daycare out of their home, has welcomed Sam and given him as much love as I think is humanly possible. (except mommy love, of course!) When I drop him off in the morning, I drive right past a middle school, and there's always a flood of students wandering aimlessly through the street, waiting until that first bell rings to trudge into class.

Usually I get really annoyed because accidentally running over an 11 year old with my car is not how I ideally want to start out my day.

But then God gave me a new thought.

What if every single one of the girls at Cooley Middle School could be invited to our spring production for free? And the ones at Buljan? And Woodcreek? And Roseville? And the homeless women who live at the Gathering Inn? What if we could somehow get an invitation out to every 6th through 12th grade girl, plus struggling women and their children?

I have no idea if all the dancers will agree to this, but the few that I have spoken with have totally green lighted it. We would have to do 8 shows instead of 4, and those extra four would be free of charge and totally, 100% outreach driven. Because really, what better production for a roomful of females than Cinderella?

With prayer, strategic planning, and the commitment of all 30 cast members and their families, we could share the message of Christ to an additional 1,000 women in the region this spring, and give them a message of hope and encouragement. And let them know that God sure does like them an awful lot.

Maybe this is why the Lord provided an almost free theatre for us, when nothing else in the entire universe was available for booking. Even though it's small and not impressive in the least, maybe God planted us here for this sort of purpose. So we could run a gauntlet of performances and altar calls. There is no way we could do this financially anywhere else.

And now, suddenly, it is overwhelmingly simple and reasonable to do our regular 4 performances, plus 4 for free - for these kids and these women.....wow. Seriously, what if?

Encouragement

2009-12-02T20:40:00.000-08:00

Every month in dance we put on a "creative chapel", where rehearsal shuts down, the leadership picks a theme for the evening, and we worship, pray, play games, and just hang out. It's a pretty important time we added this season because we have so many different ages and backgrounds in our ministry right now.

This month's theme was "encouragement", and we threw in a pajama party as an added twist. It turned out to be a really special night. Haley came up with a game where everyone sat in a circle and complimented/encouraged the person next to them. I think that the dancers could have gone all night long saying nice things about each other, and swapping encouraging stories.

It really blessed my heart. <3
And it gave me an idea. It is probably a little bit insane. And the dancers will be EX-HAUS-TED, but if everyone agrees to it - I think it just may be something magical.

Stay tuned.

Encouragement circle

Talking to God

Both new to Turning Point this year, but they've known each other since they were 3.

That is our cutie patootie Cinderella in the background

Haley can kick her head

<3

On Being Determined

2009-12-01T09:31:00.000-08:00

Sam took his first steps on Thanksgiving. My mom was thrilled, because she doesn't get to experience many "firsts" due to distance, and I breathed a sigh of relief. There haven't been any more steps since, but lots of wobbles and independent standing and a pensive look on his face proving he's considering more toddles. And for whatever reason, whenever we ask him to take some steps, he does this combination hyperventilating/crack up laughing routine that is beyond my understanding.

As always, there continues to be a correlation between my silly little boy and ministry life. It makes more and more sense to me every day why God says we must have faith like a little child. (Matthew 18). Because if we don't learn to laugh when things get difficult, then we might all just go crazy.

There have been rumblings in my heart to do more. An odd conversation erupted during the church staff meeting a couple of weeks ago, and the tail end of it led to a brief moment of my being more transparent than usual about my broken heart for the homosexual community. How passionate I am about how miserably they've been treated - and how I am hungry to find solutions and ways to show them God's love. The real God - not the one that they may have unfortunately experienced.

I want to work with rape survivors. Dance and movement has such a healing way of helping people who have been assaulted, abused, etc. It gives them control back - allows them to feel ownership of their body again. When those things happen to you, you never fully recover - but how lovely it would be to use my ministry goals as a way to bring just a bit more comfort and healing to those who need it so much.

I'm desiring spending more time in the trenches and gutters in this world - not literally, obviously, but working with those who need love and have been left loveless for whatever reason.

And while all of this thinking is well and good, I need to embark on these things for the right reason. Right now one of my motivations is the fact it's getting more and more difficult for me to minister to the middle class.

I've desired for over four years for the dance ministry to be 100% sold out for God. And I truly believe every single dancer loves Jesus and wants to serve him. But "want" and "willing" are very different things. This is the big lesson I've learned the past couple of months.

I've said it repeatedly - performing arts ministry is so very dangerous of a thing because there is a very fine line between performing and ministering. Sometimes the line is outright invisible. And right now, it feels that some of the girls have forgotten there was ever a line at all.

It's obvious in their church attendance. Their choreography. Their priorities. And while there are definitely a lot of good seeds (they are ALL good seeds - just a lot are forgetting who they are called to be right now), I am just finding myself frustrated and tired.

I love God and am grateful for the 100,000 ways he blesses creative arts ministry every day, and I will stand firm that He has me where He wants me. But come on, middle class, it's time to step up. There are a whole lot of people who need God's love and a whole lot of people who are waiting for their chance to be whole.

So let's go to New York to get down into those trenches - not because we've always wanted to see a Broadway show.

Let's attend church regularly so that choreography and vision align with the ministry.

Let's realize that nobody will die if we do not text message during rehearsals.

Let's seek God in a way that some of us have always dreamed. And not be afraid to allow Him to take us to those new heights.

Cemented Down

2009-11-23T17:38:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow Alta Regional is coming to evaluate Sam. He was supposed to have this evaluation 4 months ago, and we've gotten away with not having it due to scheduling conflicts and the blessed fact that their offices are just swamped.

This is the state program that all Kaiser preemies are referred to for follow up services. All of Sam's therapy comes through Jabbergym, which is funded by Alta Regional. Sam was small enough and early enough when he was born that this is provided to him free of charge. For most premature infants born in 2008 and prior, these services are provided regardless of income level until the school district takes over if necessary around age 4.

Recently they received budget cuts like everyone else, and there was a huge restructure. We are now caught between a rock and a hard place - Sam very much needs his therapy still, and yet he does not need it so much that he is in the bottom 9% of babies his gestational age. Of course, I would rather see these services go to kids who continue to struggle in ways far beyond what Sam ever did. There are autistic children, severely handicapped children - kids who don't even have an awareness about them. Premature birth is a devastating thing for a lot of families, and even though Sam struggles, he is the happiest boy on earth and we are grateful for that.

His services can all be pulled tomorrow, and that is heart wrenching because as cute and happy as he is, he cannot walk and talk. There is such little progress in these areas - it is scary. Oh, I know he will do these things someday, but it would be nice to have him at least somewhat on track, and right now he is far behind.

Therapy is always provided privately if we wish, but little Sam, I am so sorry, mommy and daddy just cannot swing the cost of it right now. We all want the best for you, and to give you every chance you can get in living a normal life - but it is just too darn expensive.

I know right after typing that, I am going to pick up extra articles and other side jobs, doing everything I can and never sleeping so you CAN get the therapy you need. I am not going to allow the continual meltdown of California get in the way of you receiving what you need.

But it's going to be really, really tough. We will get there - I know we will - but it might mean mom will have to quit dance and ministry for awhile so she can get a full time job with a larger paycheck again.

I have a referral letter from Sam's pediatrician that I will give to Norma tomorrow for his speech therapy evaluation, and I am going to just pray my hardest that either he qualifies for continued services, or he does so well on his testing that they assure me he is going to be okay. That my stupid body did not cause damage to him that is just going to make him continue to struggle through life.

I am frustrated and sad. But I know my God is good and will provide. So I will keep praying.

Sweet Saturday

2009-11-21T22:30:00.000-08:00

Today we had no plans. This never happens. Seriously never.

We ran errands and hung out. I got to cook dinner.

There was time for taking Christmas card pictures, and plenty of time to rest.

It made me grateful for when I'm not traveling, or at dance practice, or hitting article deadlines. I love all of those things, but it was nice to have a Saturday of nothing.

Except autumn leaves and eskimo kisses with my little boy.

Oh, For Pete's Sake!

2009-11-20T15:07:00.000-08:00

When I was little, my Italian grandmother would yell this in my general direction whenever I did something ridiculous and irrational. Usually it would be the result of a tantrum over something I didn’t want to be involved in (cleaning, eating a certain food, etc.) or if I did something so absurd that there were no other words and they had better go grab a camera.

I never really thought about where this phrase came from, until several months ago when I became an avid fan of Peter in the Bible. While there are great kings and prophets throughout the old and new testaments – plenty of people to truly be admired – there is one thing that really draws me to Peter.

He was so totally forgiven at the peak of not deserving it.

Peter was a fisherman who couldn’t keep his mouth shut. I hate fishing, but I sure do understand the whole dilemma of words coming out faster than my brain can catch. Peter spoke his mind, and yet at the same time, worried a lot about what people thought about him. I think his life resounds heavily with my outlook on the world, as it probably does with many girls just trying to figure out who they are, what they want – and who their friends were.

Peter knew 100% that his number one compadre was Jesus. They hung out, probably had endless inside jokes, and Peter was definitely part of the Savior’s inner circle. He had a luxury that Christians today don’t have – he got to physically hug Jesus, hear the actual physical sound of Christ’s voice, and see one of history’s greatest and most controversial individuals live the most poignant part of His life.

And yet, out of great fear, he went on to deny he knew Jesus three times before he was crucified.

Oops.

If one of my best friends were about to be brutally murdered in front of a large, blood thirsty audience, I would hope I’d have the cajones to at least acknowledge their existence in their time of need. But again, fear of what people think, and what people have the power to do – it can be overwhelming.

So anyway, fast forward to the whole resurrection thing. Let me tell you that if one of my BFFs betrayed me and I went through all the trouble of coming back from the dead, then I would make it a point to let her know she is no longer on my team. I would be wounded with a girl hurt that, as any girl knows, outlasts any vindictive spirit known to humankind.

But what did the good old J.C. do? He makes a concerted effort pretty much right off the bat to tell Peter he loves him. And not only does he do that, but he makes it a PUBLIC DECLARATION. It wasn’t a disgruntled, “yeah I guess we’re cool,” reconciliation – it was in front of Peter’s friends and those who probably judged him pretty harshly and didn’t have very nice things to say about him at this point.
When Jesus died and the men who had given up the fishing trade to follow him decided to go fishing one evening to probably get their minds off of everything, I kind of doubt that Peter was openly invited. Things were probably a tad awkward.
But when Jesus came, he made it clear that Peter was still a standup guy.

How could this be? How could Peter have screwed up so badly and then have the Savior of the universe want to be by his side?

There is logic to forgiveness – to a point. But there is absolutely zero logic to the crucifixion and resurrection, which is what, makes it so spectacular.
Just as Peter denied Jesus three times, God asked Peter if he loved him three separate times at this special post-resurrection breakfast. According to the original Greek, some Bible scholars say that the language Peter chose to respond “yes” showed hesitation and reservation.

Peter felt shame. Peter felt as if he wasn’t good enough. Peter wanted to serve God so badly, but felt he had screwed up so deeply.

And yet Jesus chooses Peter to do great, tremendous things for the Early Church that still live on today.

Jesus’ love for Peter was a passionate love. An illogical, cross-inspired love that truly makes my head explode when I even think about it.

Peter didn’t DESERVE to be forgiven. And neither do we.

But we are. And that is so fantastic.

What do you think happens after you die? And what do you think about your life here on Earth? That first question is something that obviously involves a lot more prayer and discussion for some (if you want my not so hidden opinion, let me know!) but as for the latter….

You are loved. You are cherished. No matter what you’ve done or who has wronged you or who you have or continue to wrong – Jesus adores you and not only thinks you are good enough to be loved – He thinks you’re good enough to live a brilliant and blessed life.

Go read John 21 after you’ve read Mark 14. Go soak in God's crazy love.

And It Rained Ball Gowns Like Manna From Heaven

2009-11-19T22:06:00.001-08:00

When I decided we were going to make Cinderella our spring outreach in 2010, a lot of the girls got over the top excited. I regretted agreeing to it, because my first thought was, "wow this is going to be hard on our little budget."

The show requires so many costumes that just don't come cheap - mice, a dog, a cat, and lots and lots of ball gowns. I hate recruiting boys for Turning Point. When we first started the ministry, we had 5 guys, and it has fluctuated between three and zero per show ever since then. It's tough to find straight guys with rhythm who want to dance. So I told the girls that we would have a "bring your own boy" night, where whoever found a dance partner, they could do the formal waltz in the play.

Well, BYOB spread like wild fire throughout the church. It has turned into a Sadie Hawkins dance around here, girls asking guys, agonizing over who to ask (this goes for the adults too! i am not going to lay blame on just the teens!) and everyone has just gone nuts. Suddenly almost everyone managed to find aforementioned required male, and now we have over 20 girls in the ballroom dance scene, when I was planning for more like 8.

I looked online forever - dresses are just expensive. Especially since more than anything, I was lusting after that ultra-formal poofy look from Cinderella's day. So I prayed.

I prayed some more.

Today I had an appointment with Alexandria's in downtown Roseville. They rent out ball gowns for around $120 per day. We would need them for two weeks minimum, times 20 dresses......yikes.

But it turns out that the owner is a Christian and got excited about what we're doing outreach wise, and she is donating dresses to us!!! All of them for a very small fee, including petticoats and hoop skirts for the "poof"! At cost, the dresses and underskirts would have been $9600. We are getting everything for basically free.

Sometimes miracles just fall into my lap. Frank said that it's because I work hard. I think it's just because God likes me. Either way, I am giving a big WOOT! to the man upstairs for making my life 10 gazillion times easier today.

Love His Grace

2009-11-18T20:44:00.000-08:00

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me

I once was lost but now I'm found
Was blind but now I see so clearly

Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me
Hallelujah, all my stains are washed away, washed away

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear

The hour I first believed

Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me

Hallelujah, all my stains are washed away, washed away

When we've been there ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun

We've no less days to sing Your praise
Than when we first begun

It's Like an Island

2009-11-17T15:27:00.000-08:00

I don't think very many people read this blog, and so I suppose this entry is my own personal purge - though enough people read it that I'm keeping it public because maybe - someone will feel less alone.

It's a terrible thing that you never get over, you know? Everyone has different ways of dealing with it, and my way has been to be creative. But sometimes I write, dance, sing at the top of my lungs - and it's like a toxin that never leaves my body. The levels go down, but it's always there, just waiting to come up again. I don't know what started it - I know things that intensify it, but I can't give you a root date.

Sometimes it's the little things - the smell of a certain cologne, the sound of zippers, the clang of metal bars, a hang up call. And sometimes it is just a feeling of feeling so dang alone, even with the best of friends, having my husband's great family, and having my wonderful mom, sister and cousins.

There are cravings for restoration, flashes of memories playing like a broken movie - the brain works and then the brain doesn't - and I can climb and climb out of the pit....get on top of it all, slam down the trap door, and somehow I just fall through again.

Sometimes I claim red tears instead of regular ones - and while I don't go there often, when I do - I really do. It makes me feel better sometimes - but never for very long, and I know this.

I need validation for things that have happened. I need to know which way is up - I've been falling down the rabbit hole forever. love my life - I am grateful for all I have - but sometimes this just hurts so much.

Home Okay Home

2009-11-16T22:38:00.000-08:00

Home Sweet Home it is not...but it has gone from Home Cruddy Home to Home Okay Home...which is a major improvement from the adjectives I've used in the past. Sacramento, here is your official apology. I judged you too soon, and I've judged you harshly. Now that it's autumn and the weather has cooled enough that I can work things out with you rationally, you really aren't half bad.

Tonight I went out for Greek food with a group of friends, and for the first time in a long time, it felt like I had roots. I had memories with these ladies, I couldn't find the restaurant right away, but knew the streets well enough that I could figure it out even with Minerva the GPS gone, and I came home not feeling empty and homesick for the bay area.

It was a nice change.

This past Saturday, I threw an autumn brunch for some of my best friends, and I think it may become a tradition. I tried some new recipes, made centerpieces, and had a fun mix of bay area and Sacramento family and friends. It was a beautiful day for Catalina chicken and red velvet cupcakes, and I hope people enjoyed themselves!

Sam got to play with Aunt Karen

Connie came up from the bay area, and it was so nice to see her. I'm looking forward to ice skating and sushi in a couple weeks!

More friends.

And more.

One more :)

My mom and sister were there too, and I am not sure why I didn't get pictures of them. It was a good day, and Sam was ready to call more party guests and tell them to come on over after everything started to die down.

It feels good and normal and stable living here - my bay area life will always be a big part of me, but it is comforting to know there are roots here now too.

Facebook in Real Life

2009-11-15T22:37:00.000-08:00

This cracked me up.

A Penny For Your Thoughts

2009-11-14T15:55:00.000-08:00

I try to live my life with honesty, integrity, and quality. Sometimes I succeed, and a lot of times I am just so busy that when I am finally home with nothing to do, I turn into a bum on the couch eating frosting and watching Dr. Oz.

I really want to be the best mother I can be. The best Christian I can be. The best friend I can be. The best wife I can be.

So....a penny for your thoughts? After you read this post, leave a comment with something magical you know about any of these areas. Maybe a game that you remember playing with your kids at 15 months that I can introduce into Sam's life. Maybe a favorite book. A personal quote that keeps you on track. Perhaps a favorite recipe.

I'd love to see what everyone comes up with - I have such a diverse tapestry of people in my life. It could quickly turn into a beautiful collection.

Obsession

2009-11-13T21:39:00.000-08:00

I just will never understand why, with dozens of toys, Sam is obsessed with pushing the buttons on the TV and DVD player. It's the ONE place he isn't allowed to go, and it's all he thinks about and aims for in life right now.

I just will never understand why, with countless movies to choose from, Frank always chooses the gory ones that gross me out and force me to leave the room. (Well actually I do - I talk too much during movies...)

I just will never understand why, even though I'm an adult and shouldn't it care, it hurts so much when someone does something inconsiderate without explanation. It shouldn't bother me so much at this point in life - but maybe that is just the bummer about being a girl - you never really outgrow it.

MJ and a Robbery

2009-11-12T12:20:00.000-08:00

Last night, the fabulous Nichole took Sam for the night so Frank and I could go on a date. Sam is a great restaurant kid - he loves going out to eat - but we have never taken him to a movie so to do "dinner and a movie" was a rare treat.

Frank's been wanting to go to one of our favorite sushi places in Sac, and since I hate going to the movies, I picked the Michael Jackson movie because I like MJ and I like dancing. Go ahead and laugh at me for going to it - but it was pretty good stuff.

I was blown away at how humble and kind he was. He's there with this endless budget and plenty of sparkling lights and MJ fanfare on his sets, and he is just so sweet and "God bless you"s everyone from his dancers to his manager. To see someone so famous, so accomplished, and treated so badly by so many over the years - come across as so accommodating and loving to all he works with - it was a very good lesson to remember.

It inspired me to think before I speak at arts rehearsals - remembering that just because I understand something well, does not mean the person I am interacting with does. And just because in my mind I know what I want and how something should work - it doesn't mean it is simple or reasonable or tangible to the person in charge of actually doing it, be it a sound technician, media guy or very beginner performer.

So as I left the movie theater with this renewed sense of the importance of kindness, patience and grace - we find my car window smashed to bits and my GPS stolen. My first impulse was to whine. I had just gotten it for my birthday not even 3 months ago, and I get lost EVERYWHERE I go. It had been a total godsend and now some punk kid who was bored had stolen it just for the heck of it. They didn't take the charger, mount, or any other part - just ripped off the actual GPS to probably swap it for some video games.

Then we talked to the theater security guard who didn't even know which police department to call. We are in an unincorporated area of Sacramento, and so our services fall in both counties, and this dude had no idea what to do. He just kept shaking his head and commenting on what a bad neighborhood the movie theater was in as he did a crappy job sweeping glass out of my car.

Again, I wanted to get angry and snap "So what are you - an undercover samurai or something? What do you do when a real crime happens if you don't even know what stupid police station takes care of our region?!"

But I decided again to just choose patience and love, even though it was hard and I felt hurt.

So now I am GPS-less and we drove Sam to his doctor's appointment this morning with plastic on my window. The repair is going to cost us money we don't have, and it's a huge inconvenience on a day when Frank wanted to spend a lot of time at a woodworking convention and I was looking forward to just relaxing and cooking for my brunch tomorrow.

But....

"He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely. Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified."

- Galatians 5:22-23(MSG)

However I should note, just in case my robber wasn't a ghetto 15 year old from the other side of the train tracks, I will be watching Craigslist and if I find my GPS on there...I may not be so gracious.

I guess I am not completely reformed. God is still working on me.

Joy

2009-11-11T11:51:00.000-08:00

Life right now is only joy.

Forever Young

2009-11-10T20:39:00.000-08:00

When you are a child, adults seem ancient and regal - everything is figured out.

When you are a teenager, adults seem stupid and don't know anything about everything. And yet you still need them and depend on them for a lot, because they have everything figured out.

And when that grand moment of adulthood comes, you realize how much of a child you still feel, and as more time passes - you still feel just the same. Sure, your independence grows and you handle things more maturely - but really does anyone ever feel like a grown up?

The bible says that in order to get into the kingdom of heaven, we must have faith like little children. (Matthew 18:1-4)

Sometimes I wonder if the reason we never really will feel "grown up" is because God wants us to be childlike for Him. Though we get jobs, pay bills, have children ourselves - there is still a part of us that always feels so small - and if we allow Him too, he naturally brings that comfort to us like an unconditional loving parent.

Just my little thought today as I am in my 20s, and feel both desperately old and impossibly young.

Tiny Tempest Warta

2009-11-09T13:30:00.000-08:00

The temper tantrums started this week.

Now, I'm not going to claim a hurricane when it was only a drizzle - but for happy go lucky Sam to pitch a fit about anything - it took me by surprise.

The best (and suckiest) part about being Sam's mom is when I lament to a friend or family member about Sam's recent entry into the world of tantrums, they just roll their eyes at me, or show mock sympathy as if I am lying. Attempting that Munchhausen syndrome thing on my child - only with tantrums instead of terminal illness.

So with his sweet smiles and model child behavior in public, Sam still has the world wrapped around his little finger. But this week, he has me wrapped up in the fetal position in bed during his nap times because I am so stinking tired.

One thing I will say about Sam's new willful nature - it is blissfully short lived. He's a visual child, meaning that any bad mood can be cured in 3 seconds with a song or a picture book. So I guess I shouldn't complain. I've yet to get a disdainful look from a stranger in the middle of the grocery store, and that should count for something, right?

The other thing I've learned this week is the beauty of preparedness. Frank and I have a casual parenting mantra of "never let them win", and I'm super glad that was established. We never butt heads with discipline or rules - and while I know we most definitely will someday, and quite possibly soon, I am blessed to be married to someone who agrees with the mentality that children need structure, honesty, and love.

I've also learned to appreciate my faith in a whole new way. I can type till I'm blue in the face about how Christianity has more historical backing than any other religion, and how it isn't even really ABOUT religion as much as it is a personal relationship with Christ...but it all becomes proven and real when my child starts to kick me and scream when he is taken away from the sticker chest at physical therapy, and when I pray with him, he is instantly soothed.

You can't explain to a 15 month old why he can't play with or have ALL of the stickers in the treasure chest, and you also cannot explain to him about God and His love. But for some reason, prayer still works, and prayer still yields a response.

It's okay buddy, I don't understand the comfort and healing love he brings either. Sometimes I throw temper tantrums when I don't get what exactly what I want in this world too. But I am sure glad He is there for us both.

When You Think You Have No One - Be Grateful

2009-11-08T20:52:00.000-08:00

My great aunt Bruna died last week. She was the most vibrant, alert, HILARIOUS 100 year old I have ever known. She told the greatest stories and had me in stitches during the handful of times I saw her as an adult.

When I was a child, she was a typical old lady relative - awkward hugs, wet kisses, the ever faithful 20 dollars in the birthday card every year, always accidentally calling me by my sister's name at family get togethers.

As an adult, I saw her differently - someone who was not a burden to visit with in the least. Someone who was wise and had a lot to teach me. Someone who embodied my Italian heritage and who I hoped would live to be 200. On every lazy weekend we had this summer, I said to myself - we really should take the baby up to the city to see Auntie this weekend. But ah well, there is always next weekend.

Only there wasn't.

I never told her how fabulous she was at 90. I never told her how fantastic she was at 100. But she was the first relative I hoped would RSVP to my wedding, and I always asked my mom if she would be coming down with the other Italians for our sporatic tradition of cold cuts, baked ziti and yelling at my father.

Before she passed, she told my cousin that she didn't want to have a funeral because she didn't have anybody left.

Wait hang on a second, excuse me? You don't have anybody left? But you are hilarious, bright, witty and vibrant. And above all else, you are on a hand bell team! If hand bells is anything like dance, you should feel awesome, alive and full of social camaraderie after a good round of hand bell playing.....

But again - I never expressed to her how fabulous I thought she was. And now I am wondering if anybody did, or if they just assumed she knew?

My sister said it best on her facebook:

Rebecca Hassinger R.I.P. Auntie Bruna. You said you didn't have anybody. You were wrong.

She had a lot of fans. And now she'll never know.

This is just another addition to a long line of reminders that we should always tell the people in our lives how much we love them. I wasn't particularly close to auntie - I saw her maybe seven times in adulthood - but next time it might be someone i AM close to - my sister, a best friend, my mother, my child.....and I would never want them to have the burden of saying they didn't have anybody.

During a leadership meeting at dance, one of the teens mentioned how she has a paper heart I gave her at a rehearsal three years ago taped to her bathroom mirror. She sees the encouragement on it every day and she doesn't take it down. Other girls jumped in with little trinkets and gifts I had brought in for the dancers and they have kept for years with no intention of throwing away. I was awestruck that they had kept these mementos - some of which I don't even recall making.

Never underestimate the power of gratitude.

I tucked a package of thank you notes into my purse today before church. I will work thankfulness into my life more and more.

You never know the difference it might make.

Auntie Bruna did get to meet Sam before she left us. He was far too small to ever remember, but here they are - the year that they turned 1 and 100, respectively.

I've Got to Keep Your Faith, Baby

2009-11-07T21:21:00.000-08:00

When I was little, I loved the short (very short) story found in the back of Highlights magazine. It would substitute words in a sentence with pictures, so you would learn to identify objects that were important to that story.

For example:

I am in love with a boy named . I think that is one of the most remarkable people I have ever met, and yet when it comes to 's life, we are still struggling to see the complete picture.

One of the lessons life teaches you as parents is how to be afraid. It also teaches you how to be incessantly joyful, to count your blessings, and instill within you a great desire to start family traditions and happily stay home on Friday nights. But it also forces you to be afraid in many new ways. When Sam was born, we got a crash course in that lesson.

Our son has these big blue eyes that just reach into my chest and turn my heart into putty. They are usually full of life, but they are also often intensely observant of the world around him. And sometimes, though fortunately not very often, they just seem vacant.

It's this split of 45% happy toddler, 50% intense observation and 5% vacancy that cause Frank and I to tag team driving the worry train. What will Sam grow up to be? Will he be special needs because of his prematurity? Will he catch up with his little contemporaries we meet at the playground and learn to walk and talk soon?

Does any of it even really matter?

As parents we get so caught up in milestones, education, and the importance of being "acceptable", that sometimes it can be easy to lose track of the beauty found within those blue eyes and just thank God for all Sam is.

He is extremely well behaved for an almost 16 month old. People beg to babysit him, and sometimes we don't like to share.

He is exploring the world at his own pace. Some may find it slow - I choose to view it as savoring every moment. I respect my baby for having the ability to suck the marrow out of life and take his sweet time. He has his entire life ahead of him - who needs to have conversations right now?

His father is his hero, and makes an excellent transportation system. Why walk when you have your own rocket ship?

He's full of friendliness and compassion. Even though he is still so young, you can see how kind he is going to be.

With the exception of today, where he chose to spend all of his time in the whine zone, he is usually so happy and content. He is just a really good, sweet kid that doesn't give us any trouble. He can also drench our bathroom with one good splash.

He is tiny, but mighty.

Today I choose not to worry about learning disabilities, developmental delays, or the potential for future surgeries. I will dwell instead on thoughts of playground jaunts, Elmo songs and sharing an early morning cuddle.

Because no matter how Sam turns out, he has taught me about true love. Just as our Heavenly Father loves us perfectly with our imperfections, Sam will be loved by our shaky, imperfect love.

And he will be blessed.

With Visions of Future Adventures Dancing in My Head

2009-11-05T22:11:00.000-08:00

Next month, we are going to Florida to celebrate Frank's parents' 40th wedding anniversary. (Either we are getting old or they got married when they were 12....). This summer, we are going to New York and probably Hawaii. And in 2011, it looks like we might take the dancers to Australia, which would complete my "go to all the continents by the time I'm 30" goal - just in time!

Right now you might be thinking - "wow! I know someone who has been to Antarctica?!" No, actually you do not. Sorry to disappoint. I suppose I should restructure my goal with a clause that mentions I only want to go to continents where ice readily melts during a reasonable portion of the year without global warming helping it along. Antarctica is excluded from the party, because Antarctica looks mighty chilly and I like to be warm.

ANYWAY, I feel so blessed to have a husband that likes to travel as much as I do, and I am hoping that Sam will be the same way. So far his "big adventures" span from Reno to Los Angeles, but I think he will get a kick out of his upcoming excursions.

It got me thinking about everything else I want to do in life - the other adventures I want to experience - and when I sat down to make a list, I realized it isn't all too long. I feel so very fortunate that my life (and God!) allows me to do the things I want to do - and that I have an amazing husband and son to share them with.

My Final Five

1. Publish a book. This one has always been a big deal - on the top of every goal list, the forefront of every dream - and yet completely pushed aside for "real life" responsibilities. That's one of the reasons I am doing NaBloPoMo - I want to limber up and make this goal a reality. One thing that has been consistent my entire life, even with those who absolutely despise me, is people telling me I am a pretty decent writer. I'm hoping to prove this to myself in 2011.

2. Visit all of the Disney parks. I have so many incredible memories from Disneyland, and we visited Disney World for our honeymoon. Seriously one of my favorite places on earth. Now I've got Paris, Tokyo and Hong Kong to go! I am really, really excited to complete this goal. And I am pretty sure as Sam gets older, he'll be a big fan of it :)

3. Swim with dolphins & cuddle a koala. I am not the biggest animal lover. I used to be way into animals when I was younger, namely dolphins and horses, but now I just kind of think that animals are tasty. However, I still burst into tears whenever I see one hurt or in distress so I guess I still do have a lot of compassion and love for them. Either way, I really want to swim with dolphins because I think it would be so healing and fun....and cuddle a koala because - okay seriously!:

4. Find a permanent solution. To depression. I got my mother's eyes and my father's chemical imbalance, and sometimes it feels like the most painful thing on earth. Through the healing strength of the Lord it's gotten better than it used to be, but there are some days where I just. don't. want. to. get. out. of. bed. People always try to find solutions - it's dance stress, it's family stress, it's being too busy - but the truth is I have wonderful friends, Frank's family is so lovely to have living close to us, and life is just good - sometimes my body just doesn't feel very good

5. Lead people to Christ. I've already accomplished this in the past so it probably shouldn't be on a "goal list" per say, but it's the most important thing on my heart list. I want to purpose my life toward more of this - through forming a creative arts non-profit where people can learn about a LOVING God and create worship and experience Him. To love people as Christ loved, and to overcome all of the propoganda spewed by the stereotypical Christian that is then exaggerated times a million by the media and secularists. I desire to see the heart of God for his people restored to a reasonable viewpoint here at home - and I long to see miracles.

Na Blo Po Mo.....So? Yo.

2009-11-05T20:41:00.000-08:00

My friend Connie is exactly nine months older than me. When we were in middle school, she would scream, "Do you know what YOUR parents were doing when I was born??" Ew.

Anyway, Connie has always been one step ahead of me in life - first date, first kiss, first marriage (just kidding! We're both still on our first :), first baby, etc. etc. So it's probably no surprise that she found out about National Blog Posting Month before me, told me about it, and now here I am back in my lifelong poser stance, starting out as a member on November 5th. Lame sauce.

But I still think it's a great idea to blog once a day for a month, and I am doing it for one reason and one reason only - because I am finally limbering up my brain and typing fingers to finish that book, and just like how it's hard to build physical endurance without exercising, it's difficult to well when you are not reading and writing!

So here I am faithfully every day for a month minus five. So here - clicky clicky if you care to join along.

And I'll see ya tomorrow!

A Rough Start to a Beautiful Month

2009-11-02T15:55:00.000-08:00

This blog can start off with a huge praise - Sam's second hypospadias surgery was today. This is surgery # 4 for our litle guy, and he had one more almost definite in the pipe - so we went to Kaiser this morning with a "halfway done!" attitude and trying to remain positive.

Today went so smoothly - the admitting nurses were amazing to Sam, he was flirting it up with them, and he hit it off so well with his anesthesiologist that they didn't even wheel him away in a hospital crib - he just carried Sam in like they were old buddies. It was nice to feel such confidence in those who were going to be in the operating room.

The 3-4 hour surgery went by more quickly than expected, and Dr. Huang (hero!) came out with the GREAT news that Sam won't need any more surgeries! Wahoo!

So today, we are praising God for that big time. Thank you so much to everyone who prayed for him this morning. He is pretty uncomfortable right now - sitting like a stoned sack of potatoes in front of an Elmo DVD - but I know it won't do any harm for him to watch excessive TV for a few days while he recovers, poor guy!

Yesterday at church a few of us put together a dance for missions emphasis month. I am in love with how it turned out. It was more "artsy" than we usually do - most people at church loved it, and I just loved the freedom in the choreography and wonderful Maureen and Rachael sang for us. Lame that they didn't make it into the video :(

Halloween week was super fun. I made Frank and Sam some spooky foods.

Skeleton cupcakes

Not so scary monster cupcakes

Pile of bones breadsticks

Candy corn pizza - which looked like regular pizza because even though I had a piece of candy corn RIGHT next to me, I still did the white cheese on the wrong end. Ah well.

Sweet potato filled "pumpkins"

For Halloween, Sam was the world's happiest scarecrow

We went to our church's harvest festival and saw lots of people we love. Sam also loved his reflection in the empty dance studio mirror.

Then this morning it was off to surgery.

We are so comfortable and laid back at Kaiser by now, that we usually spend some time singing, playing make believe, and chatting it up with the nurses.

The nurses brought Sam a lot of toys which were MUCH more fun than his regular toys and they even brought him an ELMO toy ftw!

We had naptime too...and this picture was taken right before they WOKE HIM UP to give him a SEDATIVE, which caused him to wake up fully, start climbing all over the hospital crib, and help the anesthesiologist type things into his chart.

All of these pictures and words to say that we had a blessed October and have a wonderful November planned as well. Thanksgiving is my all time favorite holiday and I am so looking forward to really spending all of November in true gratefulness.

I'm going to be spending time writing real thank you cards to those who have well beyond earned them, I'm throwing a special brunch for my best friends, and then there is ice skating with the church, and a Thanksgiving feast in Santa Clara.

I am a happy girl <3

2009-10-28T23:31:00.001-07:00

I've come to a rather obvious conclusion this week - being a contagious Christian does not happen when you TELL people about Christ, but rather when you SHOW them. One thing that my father always says that simultaneously frustrates and encourages me is, "Well Tam, I sure don't like Christians, but I do like YOUR brand of Christianity."

And every time he says it, I respond with a forced front of joy, "Dad, it isn't a brand of Christianity. It is a relationship with Jesus. You should have one too!"

But he doesn't. He's witnessed too many televangelists, he's lived through Jimmy Swaggart (sp?), the guy who was married to Tammy Faye....all of these big gun loons who I have never really heard of, but are mentioned to me over and over as examples of exactly why he will never be a Christian. In case you are curious, other examples as to why include a grab bag of "I don't believe in Hell," "I don't need anyone to SAVE me", "I don't believe the earth is only 10,000 years old" (um dad, FYI that we don't believe that either), and that "there cannot be a single path to God."

And in a way, he's right. There are many ways - there is a path toward Him in worship of song and dance. There is a path toward Him in quiet reflection and reading. There is a path toward him in both silent and fervent prayers. There is a path toward Him in boundless hope.

But he won't listen, and sometimes when I am in the bay area with my family I find my hope tapering off as I slouch down into the cheap furniture and get a serious case of Elijah syndrome.

And then I always go back to his original comment of how he likes "my brand" of Christianity, and I remember that something has caught his eye. I am showing, not telling - and that is the one thing that he is remembering about "my brand." He is seeing love and strong fellowship/relationship....and, well....he is seeing a lot of dance performances too, but he seems to be dealing okay additionally with that part.

Why haven't I been showing more than telling lately? Have I already fallen so comfortably into the cushy world of working in a church office, where everyone is praising Jesus in the cubicles and existing cheerfully within the bubble? I am really such a cowardice that I am just fine to be stagnant where I am?

Nothing is stopping me from just living out my years just like this. I have a home, a family, great friends and a job. What more do I need?

The answer?

So.
Much.
More.

God, seriously, use my lazy butt. Take me into situations where I get to show instead of tell - where I am uncomfortable at first, but then see victories in the end.

Tomorrow is just another Thursday - working at the church, coordinating dance ministry details, and getting chinese food for lunch because I am broke and have a gift card.

So, can God work a miracle, set a bush on fire or send a lightning bolt to Panda Express? Or at least talk to me in a way that I can hear?

Stay tuned. I think He might.

408 Love

2009-10-25T21:55:00.001-07:00

Love is.

Eating my mom's homemade jamocha frosting on an October night.

Getting to show Sam the park I grew up playing at. The fountains and duck cove, the playground that looks completely different now - but still holds a lot of memories.

Watching the thrill of a maiden voyage into a pumpkin patch.

Practicing the fine art of inseparability.

Taking the time to contemplate all of this life.

Love is.

Coming back to Sacramento and accepting that is where God has you, and being thankful that even though you can never go back to where you really want to be - you can always cheat for a weekend and visit <3

First Disneyland, First Rain

2009-10-13T14:55:00.000-07:00

This weekend I went BACK down to Southern California, this time to go to Disneyland with Frank's family. It was planned before the So Cal dance conference, so I guess this should be known as the "original" trip. But either way, I felt pretty darn blessed to go to Disneyland twice in one month for free, and here are some photos of Sam's first adventure at mommy's favorite place.

Can we say - "Frank has a lot of family"?????

This is one of my favorites.

Cinderella rehearsals start tonight, and where there was once a lot of excitement and joy, there is now just a pile of rocks in my stomach. I was so looking forward to this, and now, for a variety of reasons, I am just...not.

I feel like I don't have the energy to choreograph and direct another show right now. I am fed up with a stupid situation that seems to never get better, and I am just....sleepy. But then again, I love it so much and adore all of the amazing people who are involved...I know once we get started, it will be beautiful.

But today, with the first rain (which seems to be quickly turning into a flood!) and a cuddly, sweet baby at home with me, I just wish I could loaf in my pajamas and read a good book.

Oh well....I suppose I have eternity to relax! :)

Five Years <3

2009-10-09T07:12:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl, I met a couple who met in high school, and never left each other's side until one of them died when they were in their 90s. I thought it was terribly romantic and decided that the only good thing that would come out of school would be finding a husband, and he would love me and spoil me and let me have an all pink wedding with daisies, sparkling cider and cotton candy.

Five years ago today, I married my high school sweetheart in a church in the neighborhood I grew up in. The bridesmaids dresses were pink, the cake and bouquets had daisies, and we toasted to the future with Martinelli's. There wasn't any cotton candy, but that's my fault because somewhere between the 4th grade and walking down the aisle, I had forgotten all about it.

I could brag about my husband all day long - this past year, he has blown me away with what an incredible father he is. Sam adores him - at 15 months, his daddy is the apple of his eye, and I am certain that is going to go on for a long time because mommy is cruddy at wrestling and playing rocketship.

He is also an amazing husband - compassionate, loving, considerate, a wonderful provider for our family, and he will watch Golden Girls re runs with me. He got me liking sushi (yay!) and The Simpsons (boo!) and he continues to be my favorite person to go anywhere with. I joke with him that he's allergic to fun, but then I realize that I have never laughed with someone more.

Thanks for five amazing years, husband <3 I love you to the moon and back.

Pretty Much Perfect

2009-10-05T21:05:00.000-07:00

I love October. The weather cools, and it's a nice lull between summer and the craziness that comes with the holiday season. But this particular October has chosen to be out of the ordinary insane with a packed schedule...I just got home from Riverside, and then next weekend I am going back down to Southern California for a massive celebration of KAYLA'S 13TH BIRTHDAY (scary! what an old lady she is!), and then we are going to go home to the bay area 2 weeks after that for the 50th anniversary party of the church Frank grew up in......October is turning into a crazy month. It's also our 5-year wedding anniversary on Saturday! <3

The first seven days of October have been pretty great so far. After heading down to So Cal, we went to a convalescent home where we danced and prayed with the residents. I made friends with a woman named Ruby - I could barely understand what she was saying - but she used to be a dancer and reminded me to always dance like David danced. Her address is on a napkin in my dance bag, and I think we will probably be pen pals soon :) Some of the dancers also got a kick out of a vibrant man named Patrick. He had plenty of things to say to all of us, and here's a photo of some of the team praying with him.

Tuck's iPod accidentally shuffled during our performance there, and so it was a horrific surprise, not knowing which song was going to pop up next to dance to - some dancers ended up exhausted, but they did such a fantastic job, I was so happy for all of us :)

Then it got even better as we headed to the Southern California Christian Dance Concert in Redlands. Turning Point was one of 9 or so groups, and I was terrified we wouldn't be good enough - but we were definitely up to par, and everyone did really, really great! The directors of the festival were so amazingly nice, and we made friends with some of the other dancers and were invited to another dance event, as well as receiving a return invitation back to the So Cal concert next year. Go, Turning Point, Go!!!! :)

If you aren't totally sick of our summer dances in various venues yet, here is the second half of our So Cal performance.

SoCal Christian Dance Conference, Turning Point Dance Ministry from Ami Tuckerman on Vimeo.

And then on Sunday went to Disneyland. Which was nice :) We even got Tigger to dance with us!

We practiced perfect dance form everywhere we went ;)

Last night we had auditions for Cinderella: Reimagined. A lot of dancers auditioned, and this is the toughest show I've ever had to cast.

My heart was just so joyful reading some of the applications - one wrote that she only wanted a certain part if it wouldn't get in the way of a younger girl getting a chance. Another said that she just wants to be whoever God wants her to be. And yet another came up to me and volunteered to forgo the show altogether if it meant someone else would feel less left out.

I love our dancers.

Still today I was asking for help, prayer and advice, and I am praying every single dancer both younger and older will find joy in their received role, even if it isn't the one they wanted :( It's tough to not give everyone exactly what they want - but it's downright impossible to do that, and it's a good learning experience to not always get what you expect I suppose.

Come to think of it, my entire life is one big UNexpecation.....and yet, it's pretty much great :)

<3>

Apple Hill & Fall Ministry Prep

2009-09-20T21:29:00.000-07:00

I love going to Apple Hill. I went for the first time last year, and we liked it enough that we went back this year. It's the main way I really embrace and enjoy where we live - close enough to quaint fall treats like Apple Hill. Both years, we have gone with my friend Connie and her family - we've been friends since I was 11, and now she is married with two kids, the youngest of which is only 4 months older than Sam and about as close to a girlfriend as he's gotten so far! And as close as he's gonna get till he's at least 30.....

...Things are going really smoothly for fall creative arts prep. We have a definite of Cooley - we can choose between two spaces there, wahoo! We got board approval to order a dance floor for the secondary room we are using at Harvest, and we have having steady sign ups for both our classes this fall, and for ministry supporters so I can keep on keepin' on. Last but not least, the wonderful Brandi and Russ lugged two enormous mirrors from College Park to Roseville so that we can have some interim mirrors in the spillover dance room, too.

...I also met two LOVELY women last week that are going to serve as fall dance teachers for some of the technique classes, and I am so so so excited to serve with them!

....Last but not least, my awesome friend Sharon invited me to her ladies' night to share my ministry vision with a big group of women - I think it went fairly well. The more I speak about what God has placed on my heart, the more real and confident it becomes. I like that.

Anyway, here are some Apple Hill pictures.

Sam's first face painting

Hanging out at the Teddy Bear Picnic

This is Sam's "wow it is hot outside" face

Flirting.

Results.

Sweet friend

Nice day.

A Big Whopper of a Woot!

2009-09-16T22:02:00.000-07:00

Dancers, this post deserves a woot!

There was absolutely nowhere to have our big show this spring. Seriously no where. Not a professional theatre, not a community theatre, not a high school, not a college....NO. WHERE.

So as a last ditch effort, I called Cooley....I pass it every time I drop off Sam at the Valeros....and today I found out we can have it! It has a stage bigger than Harvest's, which is the main goal. Lots of floor space for us to do fun and creative stuff like maybe have a pumpkin carriage or something.....and...drum roll please....

It's free!

Yep, we just saved $3000 because we are a non-profit and Cooley is nice to us! Sure, it isn't super glam....but now that money can be spent on outreach and more meaningful stuff for the show - which is such a huge blessing.

I love it :)

Jesus you are so nice.

Woot!

God is always cool....but sometimes he is REALLY cool!

2009-09-12T16:06:00.000-07:00

So I have to share this story. It may be silly, but it's these little "I love you" moments from God that make full time ministry totally worth it.

I have been lamenting to myself about creative arts ministry and money - everything costs money, and when performances are being planned, those dollar amounts are always in hundreds, and usually have a few thousands thrown in. Costuming is one of the biggest expenses, especially now that we are going to be doing Cinderella, which involves a lot of random costumes (mice in dresses?) and sets to make it look good. I am so excited for Cinderella, because it is so familiar to people, that it is going to be EASY to sell tickets and be a GREAT outreach opportunity for others to hear the message of Christ.

ANYWAY, so as I was saying...I have been whining to myself that costuming is going to be astronomical, especially for Cinderella, who herself will need at least two dresses. Costumes from dance stores are very expensive, Halloween stores only get you so far, and there are really no savings in having a seamstress do it as fabric can get so pricey.

Sam is with his grandparents today, and so I took the morning to wander over to The Children's Orchard. They are a gently used kids clothing store in Roseville and they always have gorgeous stuff. If I do say so myself, I have a very well dressed baby, and I do it for under 12 bucks or so a month because of the families that sell their hardly worn Baby Gap, Ralph Lauren, etc. castoffs to this shop.

So today was the day they rolled out their halloween costumes and winter coats. We are going to Apple Hill next weekend and so I went to find Sam a fall jacket...and they were having this big kids event and who do I run into? Cinderella!

She was wearing the most GORGEOUS ball gown ever, and she is the average size a lot of the Turning Point girls are. The dress must be worth at least $500, and so without even thinking, I ran up to her...."Excuse me WHERE did you get your dress?"

"My fairy godmother made it for me!"

Oh boy.

So I asked a few more questions and she finally looked around to make sure there were no kids around, and told me she is a professional actress who worked at Disneyland and now does character parties in our area. And.....drum roll please....she is a CHRISTIAN and YES she will LOAN US THE GORGEOUS DRESS FOR OUR CINDERELLA SHOWS as well as ANY OTHER COSTUMES SHE HAS ON HAND THAT WILL FIT IN!!!

Thanks, Jesus. Thanks for saving us a gazillion dollars....you are so nice :)

So inspired and energized by that little miracle, here is a list of prayer requests for our OTHER potential miracles:

1) To keep up with the amount of dance participants we have, we are converting a room in our church into a secondary dance studio on Tuesdays and Saturdays. For this we need to raise the funds for a portable dance floor and some mirrors. The floor is about $500, and the mirrors are about $300 each (ouch).

2) We need to find a dance studio within the area that we can rent for our extra large dance rehearsals at the end of spring as we are doing show runs. Somewhere near our little studio :)

3) We need people! Children! Adults! Teens! To fill our technique classes! Art classes! Photography Ministry! Our audition days! Our outreaches! We always have plenty of participants for Turning Point's mainstage productions....now there is a desire to see that replicated in all other areas of ministry we are starting this fall.

4) We need seamstresses for what magical wonderful actress costume girl cannot provide.

5) We really, really need a venue for our show. It is very difficult to book a theatre in late spring with festivals, high school productions and college events happening all over town.

6) We need a "silly nonsense" fund for the ministry, so when low-income girls sign up for events like ministry in southern california, they aren't left behind in the motel room on Disneyland day with their boring old dance leader.

7) I need to raise full support so I can continue on as a missionary and keep on keepin' on with these programs and outreaches.

8) We need the Lord's peace, renewal, vision and passion in all we do <3

Artbeat Unleashed Pictures

2009-09-11T21:29:00.000-07:00

I suppose since I just spent the last half hour writing a post about my personal life, I should write something action packed about my ministry life.

I spent a good chunk of my time this week dabbling in some basic graphic design-y stuff and came up with some decent looking posters for our fall programs. Through Artbeat, we found an incredible visual artist who is going to be teaching a Foundations of Drawing class while playing worship music and using God inspired themes, and we are also starting a photography ministry. Wonderful and ever-faithful Sue W has agreed to be my visual arts coordinator which means, once things start rolling, I don't have to do anything. Okay not ANYTHING....but the whole goal is for creative arts ministry to regenerate and grow to encompass all arts genres without my life getting stretched so thin that I have a holy nervous breakdown, and so far so good!

Turning Point is on summer break still, and Cinderella auditions are at the beginning of October. A lot of people have asked me if I have finished writing/adapting the script.....should my answer be.....yes? How about I have thought about getting to it? It's pretty much all I think about because I need to get it done SOON...but other things have taken priority - namely prepping everything else for fall dance and continuing my endless support raising journey. Praise God for a great friend who is going to let me speak at her ladies' get together to drum up more support.

Anyone else want to throw a party and let me crash it for the most awesome 20 minutes of photos and stories you will ever encounter? Wherever you live, I will come!

First weekend in October, nine of us are going down to San Bernadino for the 13th Annual Southern California Christian Dance Concert. We're going to perform there and hopefully do some other ministry things as well. Then Sunday the girls are all going to Disneyland. I really wanted to go with them and spend some fun time with them, but there is no way we can afford that right now.

So I fully intend to just stay in my pajamas and bond with the motel's cable TV I suppose! Mmmmm cable TV....I sure do miss that. But I do NOT regret how close I have become to God through this experience of having no money and living every day for His will and purpose.

Woot!

So anyway, 13th annual So Cal...blah blah...ooooooh I cannot WAIT until we can say 13th annual Artbeat! How fun will that be! But until then, here are some photos of the 4th annual Artbeat....it was all pretty great <3 Randy L. took the photos. Check him out.

A Comically Blessed Life

2009-09-11T15:07:00.000-07:00

It was over 100 degrees again today - mother nature shows no mercy for Sacramento whatsoever. I was completely spoiled over the weekend when I went home to the bay area. I got to see Katie's super cute new house, got to watch my kid play with Connie's kids, and visited Elisa and her mom - who is seriously, for lack of a better term, a cancer patient role model. She was in such good spirits, her hope and outlook so strong - I will keep praying. God can do anything.

There are so many things I miss when I go home - the perfect weather, the cul de sac parks all over town that make it so simple to give Sam his beloved playground swing time, the city traditions like the art & wine festival, 4th of July picnic.....Santa Clara is by no means small town life, but when you spend the first 21 years of your life there - visiting your old haunts makes it feel like a small town within a big town. I love knowing where my favorites are, who enjoys them with me, and already getting the chance to wear cute sweaters at the beginning of September.

Oh but then darn it, I admit that I love coming "home" to Sacramento, too. There. I said it. Did you read that Frank? It will never happen again so bookmark this or something.

I love our reasonably spacious house that didn't cost a million dollars, the fact people are friendly in the grocery store, and that this is someday going to be where Sam considers HIS old haunts to be, and so I need to put my best foot forward and find ways to make fantastic memories for him like my mom did for me.

Fantastic memories of this past weekend included a joint family birthday party with my sister. My mother, in typical doting mom style, made us each our own cake, which is just ridiculous and bad for the waistline. But I totally binged on my favorite - devil's food cake with my mom's homemade jamocha frosting and pink icing, of course! God bless mothers - when they get on your nerves, it can be very bad...but when all is good in the hood, there is nothing quite as comforting and wonderful.

For our birthday dinner, my sister and I made the unfortunate decision to ask to go to Sushi Boat. My parents treated the Japanese restaurant like we had forced them to land on another planet. My mother picked up each piece of lettuce and practically every kernel of rice to examine it like poison, and my father managed to dump pink lemonade all over himself. They complained vehemently the entire time and we were the impressively loud table in the corner of a quiet restaurant, acting like raging drunks even though we only had soda....they just despise anything exotic, different or new, while I thrive off of it. I cannot wait for my next adventure - and they can't wait to be in their pajamas at home watching Project Runway.

In other unhealthy food news, apparently my dad has also become the dreaded customer at our favorite local donut shop. We've been going to Stan's on Sunday mornings since I was a toddler (probably before I was born!) and now apparently the employees join ranks when they see my cranky dad come in for his maple bar.

Sigh.

I. Am. Adopted.

My sister thought the whole weekend was hilarious. Our extended family is so broken and indifferent, while our immediate family - those at the sushi table - are just so strange and dysfunctional...my sister is probably right to have a good attitude, find laughs, and move on with life.

But dang, does Mama Hassinger ever make good cake. So no more complaints here.

Life has been easy peasy lately - dance is on break until October, and I am working at the church three days a week for my missions commissioning. The other days, I'm continuing to write some, and Sam and I....we play till we drop - and usually I am the first to tucker out.

I cannot believe how big he is getting.

Artbeat 2009 ....and the end of summer

2009-08-24T21:53:00.000-07:00

This summer started out with a lot of ministry goals, and I wasn't sure I was going to make it through at some points. But yesterday was Artbeat 2009, the final curtain call of summer, and I am just feeling grateful for the way the Lord provided.

We had a great audience turn out for both shows, the outside artists from the community were simply stunning, and the Turning Point girls and the other contributors from within Harvest were so fun and touching to watch. Everyone was on top of their game, and it was a spectacular afternoon and evening.

Tomorrow is my birthday, and I am hoping Sam will have mercy on me and let me have a quiet day of writing thank you cards that are long overdue, mailing out my first ministry newsletter....and that I can steal away some time to just spend with the Lord and thank Him for all he's done in our lives this summer. That will be the perfect gift, I think!

So....the summer is officially over as far as ministry goes, and I am looking forward to resting these next few weeks and regrouping for fall.

I used to say that spring was my favorite season, but I am finding more and more that I am loving autumn. I'm itching for the weather to cool, to crunch in leaves, bake pumpkin cupcakes and wear cozy sweaters. I can't wait to take Sam up to Apple Hill again now that he is bigger and will be able to play, and just spending time with friends and family before life gets crazy. I guess fall is sort of my summer vacation this year! :)

In other news, I am going to be dancing in a different dance ministry this fall. There is a dance studio at First Covenant Church in Sacramento, and their director was a dancer in Artbeat and invited Ami and I to come perform in their Christmas program. I don't know a lot about it other than it involves Jingle Bells Salsa dance and I am super excited ;)

Here are some Artbeat videos. Pictures to follow soon:

This was the ginormous group dance that I choreographed. Almost every Turning Point girl is in it......

My Artbeat solo this year...I wrote a poem, recorded it, and then ad-libbed a dance. Kinda floopy, but I think that God still used it....

Courtney, who is a senior in high school this year and has been volunteering as a Turning Point leader choreographed this one. We're all in there somewhere..it's like Where's Waldo...in pink....

Super impressed with Jessica's choreography this year.....

Alisha choreographed this for the Rock the Block outreach in South Sacramento at the end of this month, but they were so proud of themselves, we had to put it in Artbeat too :)

Gobsmacked and God Blessed

2009-08-20T21:28:00.001-07:00

I hate being gobsmacked.

In the middle of a semi-deep conversation in a semi-dark parking lot, it was brought to my awareness that I have been semi-deceived.

A lot of times in dance, I ask some of the dancers to go rehearse something outside while I am working on a separate section. I assume they actually dance - now I know for a fact that they just sit around and completely ignore what I ask.

Gosh darn it.

I handed out obnoxiously bright yellow pieces of paper with fall dance information on them, and nagged, begged, bartered and threatened...telling the girls to not lose them, they will not receive another copy.

Sure enough, someone already lost theirs and asked for another.

Gosh darn it.

These things hurt. These things frustrate. These things make full time ministry a big huge suckfest.

And then I remember....

God trusts us to do things, and then when we think we are out of sight, we often do the opposite. It usually isn't mean spirited, it is just the humans that we are. And it probably causes a big heavenly gosh darn it out of the big guy.

God hands us the bible. There are many copies of it, easily provided to us. You can even get an obnoxiously bright yellow version.

But many of us still choose to ignore it - I'll be dead honest, I don't know where my favorite bible is right now. No stinking clue. I'm actually pretty certain it's lost and gone forever. I've been using an ancient King James version that I think I accidentally stole from Frank's grandmother, and it is so fulleth of thees and thousts that thy knowth not whateth I readith.

We make bad choices, we commit a major spiritual suckfest. And you know...God doesn't give up on us. He never, ever gives up on us. So who am I to give up, when I know somewhere in the pile of yuck that was this summer, there has got to be a few diamonds in the rough. I am determined to find that sparkle before the world turns to autumn.

Pastor Scott gave me quite possibly the best words on the planet yesterday - he reminded me that while there were 12 disciples, and he loved all 12 very much, he was BFFs with only 3. Not all 12 had the same ministry experience - and I cannot expect to compel 35 teens/adults and over 30 children to all experience dance ministry the same.

I feel such a release in knowing that, and I am looking forward to discovering this fall all the different ways people experience my ministry - some come because they love to dance, some come because they love seeing their friends in an encouraging environment....and hopefully all come because they love Jesus. And if someone doesn't....then thank you Lord, so much, for trusting me to be an example to that person.

Yesterday I was begrudgingly hauling dozens of cardboard boxes to a dumpster in the midday heat because we had made a huge mess of them during the kids camp - and they just would not all stay on the cart. I would go six feet, and one would topple off. I'd get almost there and a little one would lightly hit the cement, or one of the huge ones would make an obnoxiously loud smack. After awhile I started to ignore the falling ones because it was frustrating me so much and I just didn't care anymore...but then I told myself how it is so important to do the job right and go and pick up every one. Don't expect someone else to do it.

Don't leave a single one behind.

God used it as the world's lamest illustration for me, and it really hit home. I am not called to leave ANYONE behind, even when I feel they might leave me behind without a second thought. I need to do my best to help everyone feel loved and wanted, and then trust God to do the rest. Fortunately, unlike the stupid boxes, it isn't too hard of a job! I adore every single dancer, and hold out hope that fall will be a time of renewal and a chance to really connect with each and every one.

P.S....The dumpster is WAY too far away from the church....

Little Camper Stars

2009-08-15T17:09:00.001-07:00

Last night was the kids performing arts camp recital. So let's be completely honest with each other - I was thoroughly convinced that it was going to be a tiny talentless train wreck thanks to two little boys who have gone out of their way to make summer feel like going through a meat grinder 12 hours a week. They constantly tried to look up the little girls' dresses, had a marker fight that destroyed one of the walls in the creative arts room, doused the entire bathroom with water (twice) and then, as a grand finale, finally turned on each other with trouble maker # 1 stabbing trouble maker # 2 in the neck with a ball point pen.

However, all that aside, the recital went fantastic! The kids really pulled it off, and even though aforementioned mean boys laughed and rolled their eyes throughout the production and got in a fist fight back stage....the other 34 children are my summer jewels and I am so proud of them.

After the show I asked Alisha to introduce herself to the audience because she is going to be directing the kids' portion of creative arts in the fall. She charmed their patooties off, she was so smooth and "together" and I am so so excited for her to be taking over the kids' section.

So Trinidad - check! Kids showcase - check! All we have left is Artbeat, and then I get to basically sloth my way through September when it comes to dance ministry. I got a little sampling of that today - Sam slept late, and then we went swimming at the new aquatics center. They have three huge pools there, including a baby pool that I am pretty sure resembles what Sam considers to be Heaven. It has spots shallow enough for him to crawl around and splash, portions deep enough that mommy can spin and glide him around, and a big play structure in the middle that sprays out water from all directions. This kid likes to get splashed, and so it was a good afternoon for him.

One thing I've learned about Sam is that there's a strong possibility he'll become a friend that is just brimming with encouragement and support toward others. He is so cute how he just watches big kids play right now, and when they run around laughing, he laughs with them and claps his hands. At 13 months old, he seems to grasp how to be genuinely happy for others, even when he's too little to join in the fun, and that just warms my mommy heart.

He got x-rays on Thursday. His leg is undoubtedly janked from being broken at birth. The older he gets, the more obvious it is....but again we will focus on what a happy, sweet, totally low-drama boy he is and not write about it anymore for now.

Jet Blue is having a deal right now that you can pay a flat rate of $600 and fly as often as you want, wherever you want, for up to a month. Needless to say I am already itching to get back to going somewhere, even though I've only been home a little over a week -- oh well!

I am going to satisfy my travel bug with a trip to the bay area soon - my birthday present to myself will be watching cable TV, going out with friends, and letting my mom take care of Sam ;) And oh yes, forgetting all about the Sacramento HEAT! Fall...you cannot come quickly enough <3

The Galaxy and My Heart

2009-08-08T21:01:00.000-07:00

There are certain aspects of my personality that are impossibly nerdy. For example, I love dinosaurs and outer space. Go ahead and digest that, and we will move on.

Tonight I had a little nerd indulgence and read a NASA article about hyperactive stars. They move twice the speed of the sun, which is remarkably fast, and the reason they do so is partially because their host galaxy is positively massive, and yet also quite compact. Sometimes they move quickly when they are nearing a black hole.

Oh Lord, have I ever become this way! I feel like I am just running circles around God's love and promises, partly because the world feels too big and I don't want to miss out on anything - and also because I feel so small, cramped, confined and uncomfortable in my world. And yeah...I near black holes a lot.

Tonight I am going to bed early, and I am going to slow it down and take some time to really enjoy the Lord and all He has done for me. And all He will do! I don't want to zoom around the Son....I want to be loved by Him and feel that love, even when it is so very difficult at times.

As promised, here are some more snapshots that are a small sampling of what's going on in my galaxy right now.

The younger girls in Turning Point right now. I am praying for them a lot. They are great. Here are some of them right after they accidentally broke my bed in Trinidad.

Those I met on the missions trip, and how I won’t see most of them again in this life. This is a shot of me with the girls I led in a bible study all week. We had great talks.

The camp recital coming up SOON!

The future of creative arts ministry. This is little Alex and Taylor…they’re in the performing arts summer camp that is wrapping up next week.

<
I really love the beach. How stupid was I to agree to leave the bay area and move over two hours away from it??? Dance ministry on our play day in Trinidad.

Tour jetes are just more fun in water, with a friend. Here are me and Kelly on Maracas beach last Saturday.

Coming home after being away is the sweetest feeling in the world. Being reunited with Sam at Sacramento airport when our team came home.

God is starting to form Cinderella….Reimagined in my head. Please pray that it will be a quality script that is powerful and will impact lives when all is said and done. <3

Back in California <3

2009-08-05T09:18:00.001-07:00

Last night a little after 10pm, our plane touched down in Sacramento after a long, long day of flying and chaotic layovers. We have returned from almost 2 weeks of ministry in Trinidad, and while it was a good trip, I am very glad to be home!

I will write more (and post more pictures - we as a team have literally over 3,000 photos total!) but wanted to update our ministry supporters - thank you for your continued prayers and it was great to sleep in my own bed after 11 days sleeping on the floor with foreign, ominous looking insects :) But I do so love Trinidad and look forward to planning another trip there in 2011.

We had the world's greatest team - no fighting, minimal complaining - it was total bliss having the ones we had with us. It was a bit of a challenge working with Missions International, the group that hosted us. It was really disorganized, left me more than a little disheartened, and I definitely have a lot to process and think/pray about. HOWEVER, everyone on the team really stepped up and we had a fantastic week long VBS with the Trini children at a local church there, danced in some churches, and best of all - we got to go back to the Chickland Wesleyan Orphanage we had visited two years before. It was simply amazing seeing how much the children had grown and having a wonderful reunion with the older ones who remembered Courtney, Kelly, and I.

We also got to see some great things when we weren't doing ministry, including going to see dozens of baby sea turtles hatch on the beach in the middle of the night. God's creations are incredible - and in this particular instance, totally adorable!

I will post photos of the complete team, the VBS children and the orphanage in the few days.....please pray for all 13 of us as we process what we saw, felt, experienced, and as the ministry gets ready for the children's performing arts camp showcase, Artbeat 2009, and Cinderella Reimagined auditions, oh my!

When I Was One, I Had Just Begun.....

2009-07-16T20:48:00.000-07:00

Today my baby turned one. It was a pretty quiet day - meeting daddy at work for lunch, eating a first cupcake, wearing a homemade birthday crown....it was a special, family-only day, which is probably the complete opposite of what Saturday's birthday party will be, which will also be special in completely different ways.

I really wanted to start a birthday tradition for Sam this year, but the day zoomed by so quickly, I barely had time to think. We don't have a lot of money for gifts or trips, we don't really have one particular culture or heritage - I just couldn't think of any sort of special thing that could just be for us. Then I decided that, following in the tradition of everything else I've ever done in my life, I would write down the past year and save it for Sam to read someday. Then on his 18th birthday, he will have a book of letters from mom. I am not sure how he'll feel about this, as he is a boy and boys are not nearly as sappy as girls, but I hope he will be able to sit down in a quiet place each year and read the letters, realizing how much he means to me - to us - to so many others he is going to bless.

Last July 16th, I had just undergone a C-section and friends and family were coming to visit, as I was half loopy from painkillers and half jealous that so many were meeting the baby before I got to. I nagged the labor and delivery nurses until they finally relented and let me go down the hall to the NICU even though I could barely walk.

1 pound 14 ounces is small. I mean, obviously I knew it was small before I met Sam, but it seems even smaller when you see this complete little person, laying there and being positively tiny. But when he grasped my finger for the first time, I knew that he was going to make it and I would try my best to believe in him- and he did it! I have a lot of residual feelings and emotions from having a baby born over 2 months early and watching him go through multiple surgeries and other challenges. I've written a bit about it in the past, and I guess I always supposed I would write something really lengthy someday - but in writing Sam's letter, I found myself focusing more on memories like first Christmas, first swim, first visit to church, etc. more than I focused on damaged intestinal walls and failure to thrive. I thank God those things come to mind first.

Sam has more friends than I do. He is totally "the people's baby," and he makes friends wherever we go. And yet he's also really sweet and shy - he does well with others and yet has this sensitive little heart - he is going to make a big difference in the world someday, and I think for some reason that goes beyond my mother bias.

Happy Birthday, Samasaurus. Thanks for sticking around - we sure do like you.

Raindrops in July

2009-07-11T22:37:00.000-07:00

A few minutes ago I was in our bedroom and heard the delicate sound of raindrops tickling our roof. The rain is so gentle and subtle - the kind that makes you look around and almost say out loud, "Wait, is that RAIN?!" This is especially true in the middle of July, in Sacramento, where rain sort of holds the same probability of a dinosaur sauntering past the kitchen window and waving hello.

The funny thing is, I had just been thinking this morning about how nice it would be if it would just rain a little. Last time, when I full out prayed for rain, we got a flippin' thunderstorm, but today was just a slight longing - a passing thought - and when the sky swelled above us as we were driving to the store, I just laid back and thought to myself, "Sweet! Thanks God!"

How many times does God deliver on a thought, prayer or desire we have, even those that are so fleeting that we don't even really realize right away what has been responded to? There are probably a katrillion times per day that God answers prayers that I don't even realize because my life is too busy, my brain is too full, my heart is too untrusting. Just like my body is balanced for certain jumps and turns, and my mind is conditioned to keep track of my overbooked days....I really need to start training my entire being to be open to God's blessings, and remember to slow down and practice gratefulness.

So, next time it rains, maybe I will close my cell phone BEFORE wiping away that water drop from my face. Maybe it will be a reminder to me to put things in front of my face that really will guide me toward the path I'm supposed to be taking (interpretation: bible twice a day?) I think I'm already on that good path and have a confirmed one way ticket - but sometimes I tend to derail a bit and that has just got to stop. I know it's a process, and a long one at that. But oh, am I ever excited for the destination.

Hold me down - all the world's asleep
I need you now - you've knocked me off my feet...
...I've tried praying - and I know just what you're saying to me...
...Let me be the one that shines with you....

Would You Celebrate With a Mouse? Would You Celebrate In a House?

2009-07-03T17:16:00.000-07:00

Well July is here, and it is going to be a month of total celebration! I remember two years ago at this time of year I was in Trinidad with some of the dancers, and Pamela & Princess threw us a 4th of July party that ended up being more of a misguided birthday party. However, I am sure many of those on the team will attest that it was one of the sweetest things ever done.

This is the American flag cake that Pamela and Princess made us

And then there were.....party hats?

Last 4th of July was pretty uneventful - I am continually giddy about setting off fireworks because I grew up in a county where they were illegal, and last year was only the 2nd time in my life I had gotten to set them off, and it was extra fun with my sister coming up to visit. Last year I was also very pregnant, marveling at how I only had 11 weeks to go....little did I know I only had 12 days!

This July is going to be another month of celebration. Tomorrow morning I am making birthday cupcakes for my sweet and precious "born on the 4th of July" friend Amber, and then my sister is coming up for an encore trip. The night will include a pool party with a few good friends, fireworks, and relaxing in the hot tub. I am super excited for all of this niceness :)

I'm also in obsessive party planning mode because our little Samasaurus turns 1 in two weeks! I'm throwing a Dr. Seuss themed party (Sam I Am, duh)....but wow I should've just gone with Elmo or Mickey. It is IMPOSSIBLE to find Dr. Seuss stuff that is within our budget for a massive park party, but at the same time there is definitely something to be said about the thrill of the hunt! It's fun color-theming and coming up with cake ideas and having a great excuse to get family and close friends together. Please allow me a minute to show off the INCREDIBLE birthday invitations that my amazing friend Katie made.

Then after all of these festivities, we leave for Trinidad! Our missionary host just revamped our entire trip and I am a little shellshocked. Our 10-12 child VBS is now for 70-100 children, and we are staying in Diego Martin instead of Port of Spain. I am a little nervous about leading alone, and was finding much comfort in knowing that it would be a familiar place with familiar faces and lodging.....just goes to show you never know how God will shake things up and force you to be brave!

On a completely separate note, these are the kinds of things that make me lose sleep at night.

http://www.kcra.com/news/19925304/detail.html

Sacramento is also home to the "Vetrans Memorial Highway."

We are so homeschooling.

Nighttime Purge

2009-07-01T23:18:00.000-07:00

It's 10:30 and the house is quiet. I have no article deadlines, no chores, absolutely nothing to do except sleep, which I really should be doing, but for whatever reason right now, I am not really interested in that.

It's been a very long time since I've been able to write just because I felt like it, and write about anything I want. It's rather ironic that being a professional writer robs you of your ability to really write, because you become an absolute machine fueled by deadlines, Google search hits and style guides. And after all that, I earn enough income to pay a couple of bills and eat sushi with my husband. What a contribution I make to the world, huh?

Someday soon I really do want to write that book I've always sworn I would write. Would anybody read it? I don't know. When it comes right down to it, anything good or worthy of being out there has been created (at least in some part) for the purpose of purging anyhow. To bring healing, relief, and celebration into the life of the writer. Writing is therapy, only much more affordable. Thank goodness.

Anyway, tonight I heard the little snore of a sleeping Sam on the baby monitor and went in to check on him. He will be a year old in two weeks, and sometimes I just stare in disbelief that this chubby, blue-eyed, incessantly cheerful little person is my child. The fetus-in-the-box that we met last July seems like such a hazy memory, and yet sometimes the pain and fear is still so real.

I am doing a lot of purging these days - sometimes I just have a good cry over Sam - happy tears over how far he's come, and sorrowful ones over how much further he still needs to go. Tears of thankfulness that we had/have health insurance, tears of frustration when another month goes by without hitting a vital milestone, tears of joy that - 12 months later - he is still very much here, healthy and sweet as can be, and seems so content to be the center of my universe.

Sam, that's a pretty sweet arrangement we've got going on there.

Sometimes I wish I could live my life more like my baby. We have a lot in common right now. We both cry pretty much every day - but Sam does it right. He sheds a few tears and then forgets about whatever it is that made him upset in the first place. Sometimes I am ashamed at how cruddy I am at that.

I have hurts in my life right now that I cannot conquer. Stare them in the face, run away, talk about it, pray about it, WHATEVER, nothing works. Nothing helps. And I know there is a reason for them, but I am far from figuring out what that reason is.

Another thing we share is the inability to walk. Sam is at an age of frustration where he squirms and squawks because he wants to just GET somewhere. But once on the ground, he can only crawl backwards and he is pretty peeved about that one. I am too. I hate that no matter how much progress is made, sometimes I just end up crawling backwards with my thought process, my walk with God, the memories I have and am both trying desperately to remember and also forget.

A woman who is a part of the dance ministry shared her story of coming to the Lord with all of us last night. One sentence she said really stuck out in my mind. She said, "God loved me and didn't want me to be confused." It has permeated my heart and mind ever since I heard it, even though to her it was just a passing thought, stringing together the big picture.

God loves me and doesn't want me to be confused.

Then darn it, why am I so confused right now? Why is there so much pain and frustration that just makes me absolutely tongue tied when someone is genuinely ready to listen?

And then.....there is so much beauty in my life. I am so blessed to be me. Let's not forget that, or end on a sour note here because it is true. Besides aforementioned baby boy, I have a remarkably patient and loving husband. I hear stories about other relationships and it makes me want to sing him praises even more. Missionary support raising is going well and I am also paid to write when I know there are countless others vying for a spot to be published somewhere, even for free. The dance ministry is beyond incredible, and the kids summer camp has only added to it. I have truly beautiful and wonderful friends. My house has air conditioning. There is food in the fridge. And on Saturday there will be fireworks in the streets.

God loves me and doesn't want me to be confused.

Above all else, I am never to allow myself to question that love.

I don't know who really reads this, but if you are right now....know that one of two things is likely happening.

1) You don't like me, but still visit here even though I am far from required reading. I thank God for what knowing you has taught me.

2) You are a friend and I thank God for the absolute loveliness you have brought into my life.

God loves you too, and doesn't want you to be confused anymore either.

Two Homes

2009-06-29T13:37:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, I went down to the bay area to do some missions support networking, and also spent a lot of time with friends and family. Even though it's been five years, I still miss the bay area so much, and some of the strongest relationships in my life continue to be two hours away from my every day life up here in Sacramento. It can be really difficult, but I know the Lord has a plan for it all, even when it isn't MY plan in the least.

I had a meeting with Pastor Rob, who recently became the pastor of the Neighborhood Church in Santa Clara. We have so many random connections to this church - our current senior pastor used to be a youth pastor there, my family bought Christmas trees from them for years, and Frank and I got married in their church building. Even though we've never attended a service, it feels familiar in a lot of ways because of these things! Anyway, Pastor Rob was incredibly nice and has a heart for the arts himself. He showed me some dramas and plays he had been a part of, and then instead of just the typical "yes or no" support response, invited Turning Point to come dance in Santa Clara in August. He's going to give me time to share my vision with the congregation, while we also have a window to perform some dances.

Me = waaaaaaaaaaaay excited! :)

So hey all you bay area people who have always wanted to see the creative arts ministry but haven't been able to make it up to Sacramento...ta-da! A solution free of confusion!

The other really cool ministry related thing that happened this weekend is that a wonderful gal I know named Monique decided to have an auction to raise support funds for creative arts. She makes super cute baby girl stuff, and here is a link to the Turning Point auction.

Thank you so much, friend! What a totally sweet gesture!

So now I am back in Sacramento again. I was a little weepy over it this morning - I got a chance to see a lot of my friends this weekend, got to visit my home church for a little while, and really tried to take in the valley views that I miss a lot.

But then, I came back here and was so happy to see my husband and friends here, and know that Harvest is home, too. Maybe I will always just need to have two homes, two lives....I always feel so torn, but at the same time, I seem to have the best of both worlds.

Right Jen? Like in the wise words of Miley Cyrus? ;)

Bright and Shiny, Artist Tiny

2009-06-24T21:45:00.000-07:00

I could go on and on about how much I love everyone who participates in creative arts ministry. From those who have been insanely loyal and loving to Turning Point since its inception, to my Craigslist jewels who have come in and just made an amazing impact in unexpected ways, the teens and adults just continually brighten my life. But these past couple of weeks, I have just been continually blessed by the number of kids (37, to be exact!) God has brought to our performing arts summer camp.

The day camp is really casual, "come just as you are" style, and the kids learn dance, music, acting, creative writing and visual art. I've already told you all of this....so here are some pictures instead.

Jordan loves ballet, it is so awesome to see a little boy embracing dance. Jordan is not in this picture....his brother Jacob is on the left. He does not embrace dance, but we embrace him because he is so sweet and has energy that is just waiting to do good in the world someday.

Jennifer has the most amazing singing voice, and Julie is just the sweetest, most compassionate little thing. Jennifer is a child from the community who doesn't go to Harvest, and Julie's family just started attending. Bronte has been our kids program for awhile. She played Snow White last spring in "Snow White....Reimagined" Her whole family is artistically gifted, and as a bonus, she is a die hard Sam fan. :)

The kids all take one dance class a day, with some days offering an option of up to three. I have no idea what Zach is doing in this photo, so let's just pretend it is choreographed that way.

These are the "littles", who are 5.5-8 years old. There are a lot of them! In this picture they are doing their vocal warm ups. Michael = Energy, energy, energy! He loves to be challenged and work independently. He made a robot out of cardboard boxes today and asked if we could hoist it up the cross that is in front of the church. The robot itself was actually quite impressive. I told him I'd get back to him on that cross idea;)Miss Amber with some of the "littles." Almost all of the kids get way into her class and are twirling around all day. Elliot likes to sleep on the floor. The "bigs" (9-11 yr olds) practicing at the barre.
McKenna started at Turning Point when she 4 or 5 yrs old. She is such a big girl now!

Frank has to work all weekend, and so Sam and I are heading to the bay area so I can network with some churches there and spend time with friends and family. I am looking forward to taking him for a walk at the park I played at when I was little, eating some Stan's Donuts (yum!) and escaping the Sacramento heat.

It was a very rewarding yet LONG week, and I am looking forward to spending some extra time with my little boy <3

A Successful Summer Begins!

2009-06-18T09:48:00.000-07:00

I must admit, I am rather enjoying that "God amazes me!" is becoming a running theme on this blog. Here are some June re-caps, though I will write a more deep, meaningful, philosophical entry later on today or tomorrow probably :)

Last week our Pre-K creative movement class began. Michele got to teach a bunch of lovely little princesses between the ages of 3 and 5, and they had a blast! I am especially happy that roughly half the class is made up of families that have yet to get involved in creative arts, and so that blesses us with growth and new friendships, which is always so much fun.

Feel free to leave a comment about how cute they are,
some of their parents may be reading ;)
K decided that she was going to create her own class and
curriculum during baby ballet time. But there is something
about watching a little kid dance around so joyfully in a studio
located inside of God's house, that it is totally okay to do so :)
Then, this past Monday, our children's summer camp started. I was praying for 40 children, God gave us 30, and you know....when there are actually 30 children in the room....I realized the beauty of God answering our prayers in his OWN way. THIRTY. IS. PLENTY.

We have some Harvest kids dancing, but we also have children from the community who are joining in on the fun as well, including some kiddos from a local Korean Catholic church, and some kids who have never heard the gospel. It was a really special week, and I am crazy honored to be part of it.

One of the most refreshing parts of the day camp has been that I have GOOD, SOLID, LOVING leaders working with these children. We have had quality leaders in the past, undoubtedly, but this summer God has really delivered in terms of a team that has the time and energy to focus and provide quality instruction and a positive environment. I am so humbled to know them, and when I was observing one of the singing classes, I actually got a little teary eyed :)

Pictures to come next week.

On a completely separate note, I just love a good flash mob. I really want the old man with the sweatband for the dance ministry.

Why Do I Do It?

2009-06-11T10:07:00.000-07:00

The ministry partner building continues.....wow, what a process AND what a blessing. This week I have just been so weary and tired. Our kids performing arts summer camp is starting on Monday, I'm facilitating five auxiliary dance classes every week, and then there is regular Turning Point rehearsals and the final preparations for our missions trip. 15 of us are leaving the country in 5 short weeks, and I'll be on that plane before I know it!

Someone from my leadership team emailed me the other day and said "I'm glad you do all that you do, and am grateful I get to help out from time to time and try to be you, and realize that I could never do what you do." That comment made me laugh, because really, is it absolutely crazy that I love what I do? Everyone always comments on what a jam-packed life I have, but I just love it. And as long as Sam is happy and healthy, and Frank keeps on keepin' on alongside me....well God, let's make this even bigger and better than it is.

I see so much potential in creative arts ministry. I am excited for those of you who are joining our support team so I can go more in-depth with our newsletters and meetings with you. But I feel so blessed that even when I am down in the dumps, in the depths of despair...I get to see miracles all of the time :)

I have a dancer right now who has overcome the challenges of verbal, physical and sexual abuse and she is just blossoming. Actually honestly, there is more than one or two of them. There is another who has learned to become ferociously committed to family, even when it is very difficult and cramps her style. A third has applied the idea of modesty in dress and humbleness of spirit to her life - and this has been an amazing transformation to watch. I am honored by the sacrifices that the dancers make to participate, and I am humbled even further by the outside instructors who come in and bless us with their time as well.

Our touring dates are so much fun, because we get to see creative arts ministry speak into the lives of strangers, which is such a different experience than what we see at home. I just got off the phone with the pastor's wife of the Sacramento Dream Center. They are going to be opening up their church parking lot to people coming for the 2nd Saturday Artwalk downtown, which always has HUGE parking problems. They want to have a coffee bar with entertainment and outreach, and it looks like Turning Point is going to get to participate.

The head of the low-income apartment complexes in the area also contact Pastor Scott recently and wants to coordinate Turning Point coming to teach classes on-site and possibly perform an outreach show too. There are so many opportunities to spread God's love this summer, I am so excited! I am almost bummed to be going to Trinidad because there is so much to do right here at home! (wait....did I just call Sacramento HOME? What has become of me! Remember you can take the girl out of the bay area, but you can't take the bay area out of the girl....)

Sometimes I think there is a small group of critics here or there that probably look down on us because we accept and embrace everyone, which doesn't always give us a flawless, high-calibar show. Because we are far from the "big time" and sometimes we can be awfully goofy and silly.....but I am so crazy proud to be a part of this group. There is something very spiritual and bonding about the whole "come just as you are" mentality that the Bible talks about.

This is a group of Christians that are truly practicing regenerative love, and I am looking forward to seeing that grow even further through continued Project 365 tasks, the kids summer camp, and the relief work we are going to be doing in Trinidad. We're going to be ministering through dance too, but as the trip draws closer, the service projects seem to become more and more meaningful in my mind.

I'd love to have all of my blog readers partner with us in ministry. It is simpler that you may think, and I KNOW you will be blessed because of it. Comment or email me for details if you feel even an inkling of interest. There's always room for another prayer supporter, monthly sponsor, and/or actual participant. <3

Our ministry is like a fun little chia plant lately - pour the refreshing water of God's promises on us, and watch us grow! :)

Blog Love

2009-06-11T09:53:00.000-07:00

My dear friend Emily gave me this blog award :) I am honored because that chick reads a lot of blogs!!! Thanks Em! If you found my blog through Em's award, then take a moment to say hi! I love to meet new people through this whole crazy blogsphere.

I am now awarding the following blogs that are definitely worth a read!

**How to Eat a Cupcake - I get a lot of my recipes off of here, especially the uber yummy cinammon toast cupcakes that I have sabotaged many a diet within my circle of friends.

**The Spohrs are Multiplying - Mike and Heather, I cannot even fathom the strength you have.

**C.A.L.I. Livin' - Connie's blog, my dear friend since 6th grade. And her kids are cute :)

**Kelli-Sho - Kelli was one of my sorority sisters in college. She has just such a joyful, positive outlook on life that continually inspires me.

I Need Not Despair

2009-06-08T21:05:00.000-07:00

Now then, stand still and see this great thing the LORD is about to do before your eyes!
- 1 Sam 12:16

The road is rocky, the workers are few. That pretty much sums up the past couple of weeks. We've seen some miracles with our support raising, and we have seen some major frustrations. I've decided that the support team building process itself is going to cause me to get closer to the Lord than possibly the two years of ministry work will!

That may not be a totally accurate statement, but it feels true right now.....we are attempting to build our financial support team in a horrific economic climate, and while many have been uplifting and generous, all of the "we would love to give, but right now we can't..." statements begin to wear upon my soul.

I am so ready to serve with a joyful heart, with or without full support raised, but some practicalities need to be addressed:

**Sam needs childcare so I can serve full time
**We need a 2nd, permanent technique dance instructor because the ministry has too many participants for just one class.
**We do not have a large enough rehearsal space

All of these cost money, but I refuse to let money become the focus. I just know God will work all of it out.

These are just a few of the things to pray for if you are praying for the creative arts ministry. We really, truly need to raise our funds so we can move forward. A support building team is hard work, and it can be discouraging - but it is also amazingly rewarding, and I am so excited to see how God provides!

If you are reading this, please dream with us <3

The things which are impossible with men are possible with God. - Luke 18:27

2009-06-04T08:33:00.000-07:00

When we were in Little Rock, though I mourned the fact I never got on that huge trampoline at Matt & Emily's house, I really loved the weather. They had thunderstorms all weekend and it was so cool. Yesterday I was reading my friend Melissa's facebook (she lives in Little Rock too) and she had a status update about thunderstorms.

I got all jealous, wanting to be away from the hot, stagnant weather that puts me in a bad mood for approximately 6 months out of the year. I randomly said a "thinking prayer" - God, it would be really cool if we could just have a thunderstorm here! And, I kid you not, only a few seconds later I heard a rumble.....soon the whole house was shaking and the lighting was so bright it made our street look like it was the middle of the day every time it flashed. It was incredible!

I called Nichole as buckets of rain poured on our house, and she said that they were at the church and some of the parents were trying to get the youth group kids off of the top of a giant inflatable water slide Amber had rented for that night.

So....yeah, yeah you can say it was in the weather report and none of us happened to read it (which is true) or whatever - but can I just have a moment of glory fooling myself into believing that just like how the bible says faith can move mountains - mine caused a thunderstorm in dry, gross Sacramento in June?! :)

Here are a couple of pictures of my specially requested thunderstorm that was served up by the Big Guy for about half an hour.

Thanks, Ami - who gets pictures of EVERYTHING, apparently!

2009-06-02T13:16:00.000-07:00

There are, quite possibly, no words to describe how much fun Sunday night was. Quite honestly, I didn't want to go. I was tired, I had had an exhausting week, and on Saturday we ran errands all day, then went to Ashley's wedding and then to Kayla's 7th grade vocal performance, so...stick a fork in me, I was DONE.

We love Bethel Ministries. We found out about them after one of there sweeties, Olivia, came to Turning Point after seeing a Craigslist ad for our group. Through that, Bethel Ministries' liturgical dance team, GuiDance, came to perform at Artbeat 2008. They were the hit of the show!

Then that led to a joint church outreach to help the homeless, and then they asked Pastor Scott to come paint a cross at their church after seeing the one in our dance studio that he had made.

THEN they allowed us the blessing of coming to their church as part of the Project 365 tour...and IT. WAS. AWESOME.

It was technically a youth service, and a lot of their youth presented scripture, poems, and music, and then they gave us a 40 minute window to dance and give testimonies. I don't know how to say it tactfully so I am just going to say it - every Christian needs to go to a black church once a year.

Their worship is incredible, their spirits contagious, and their love and encouragement toward each other is just captivating. We were so welcomed with open arms, and I got to share Sam's story as my testimony that night. The girls did great, and everyone at the church seemed to really enjoy it.

Afterward, they fed us cake (another point for Bethel!) and took pictures with us. One of possibly the biggest praises of all was that one woman liked it enough that she invited us to come tour to a school she works at. And Diana, who has been desperately looking for a full time teaching position, happened to be one of our dancers that night. And this specific school is hiring! We are praying that God will open a door for her to work there soon :)

This is Bailey. She recently moved here from West
Virginia, and is one of the youngest (and spunkiest!)
dancers we have in Turning Point right now. She had
a little bout with homesickness this night, but she
overcame it and totally shined and made a lasting impression.

This is us in front of "the cross II", that Pastor
Scott painted for Bethel Ministries. The original
version lives in our creative arts room in Roseville.
Kinda like Disneyland and Disney World.......
This is us, full of cake, with some of the Bethel congregants.
Please note the Project 365 ribbons some of them are wearing,
courtesy of Sarah Giles, who loved our original performance so
much that she made a million of them!

Procrastination.....Imagination.....

2009-05-29T20:53:00.000-07:00

I was talking to one of my high school-aged dancers the other day, and, in response to something on her mind, I told her how teenagers are sort of always trying on being different people...trying to figure out who they want to be. I told her not to worry, because _______ is still in the changing room and will come out okay in the end. :)

But then when I thought about it....shoot, some of us, even mature adults, are still just coming out of those fittings. With just the few months that I have been devoting myself more fully to ministry, I have encountered just the strangest situations with people. It's really remarkable how sometimes the more guarded a person is, the more transparent they actually become. And then I realized that I am probably gonna come across as transparent too, no matter what "look" I try to put on. But my life motto is simple - what you see is what you get!

Strange interactions:

A chick who came out of nowhere, who I knew for exactly 3 hours of my life all but outright asked if I would hand over the dance ministry to her.

Then a stranger at a store came up and just started kissing Sam all over his face. His eyes got huge and if he could talk he would've screamed "stranger danger!!!" I swear that kid needs a do not touch sign.

Then someone who gave me a huge speech several weeks ago about something they were very passionate about, turned around today and gave me a new speech with the complete opposite opinion.

Then....two friends are getting married. The one I considered myself closer to did not invite me to his wedding, while the one I am not really close to at all anymore invited me to hers.

Life blows me away.

And there were miscellaneous other circumstances. Point being, Scott taught me something wise.....just be kind and humble, and God will work the rest out.

You just cannot gauge people. It's not worth even trying. All you can do is be ready to love them if given the opportunity.

This is not always an easy lesson for me. I used to always want to be right. I still tend to have an "i told you so" backbite that can really sting. But in recent weeks, God has really helped me learn how to be kind and pick my battles and he'll just take care of it. And you know...he totally has.

I'm not going back into the dressing room. I have found the perfect fit.

So here are some transparencies about me, so you always know that what you see is what you get.

**I am so drop dead excited about our summer performing arts camp. Diana and I passed out flyers at a low income apt complex yesterday, and people are already responding and wanting to bring their kids :)

**I hate how hot it is outside right now. We found the perfect park for Sam's birthday party today, and while I am in love with it....IT'S. GOING. TO. BE. SO. STINKING. HOT. OUTSIDE.

**I love sushi. And raspberry cheesecake. I could eat them every day, but if I did I would be very fat and very poor.

**When a certain song comes on the radio, Frank and I get excited because it is "our song" with Sam. The song is Beyonce's "Single Ladies"....and I am not sure if that is okay or not.

**I've been attempting to read The Purpose Driven Life for I think 5 years now, and I have never been able to....and I think I may have found my purpose anyhow. Sorry, Rick....

**I am SO SICK of hearing about Prop 8. If you think you know my opinion on it, then you are probably wrong. But either way, I am so so so tired of hearing about it. It grieves me so much, and I think it's the first political thing that has ever made an impact on my life.

**I do not like nylons. Or ugly toes.

**My baby has a frightening resemblance to a kewpie doll:

Who are you, blog reader? And what has compelled you to read this far? It must be a slow night in Internet lala land. <3

I Love You, 10 Months

2009-05-26T15:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I get so frustrated as a mom. I seriously have a dream baby - he's never fussy without good reason, we've always just been able to plop him down for bed and he'd fall asleep like it's no big deal, and even though he's been through a lot, he has the sweetest disposition.

But there are some days I crave my freedom. I miss interacting with grown ups during the day. I wonder if I am doing a good enough job, or if he's doomed to learn everything in life from me and come out sort of confused and screwed up.

But then there's days like today, where I can honestly say....I love 10 month olds. What fun they are!

I love chubby little hands grabbing for everything in sight. He seizes every moment (not to mention the spoon, soda cup, box of kleenex, toilet paper roll, bar of soap, carpet lint.....)

I love how huge his eyes get when I show him something new, like they're saying, "no way, shut up, get out of town, mommy! Seriously?!" And it's never something I TRY to impress him with. It's just these silly little things. It's the world. At what age do we allow the universe to become a total bore to us?

I love how he reaches up his arms when he wants me to pick him up. How lucky am I to have such a handsome date to accompany me through my daily responsibilities?

I love 10 months old. Today is a good day.

With You in May, I Was Blown Away....

2009-05-25T16:07:00.000-07:00

I am positively gobsmacked by God's goodness.

May has really been a month where I've seen His faithfulness in ministry, even when I felt inferior, tired, restless, etc. etc.

We have raised 20% of our monthly support so far....it doesn't seem like a lot in writing, but we are right on track and will continue to hope and pray that people will respond positively to the ministry vision we are casting, and show interest in coming on board. One of the best parts of it all is getting to partner with Frank. We've always been partners, but this is the first time I feel he is working alongside me and getting excited about it. It's really blessed me. I sure do like him :)

Last Tuesday was our first rehearsal of the summer. Usually we have between 12-15 dancers at our recruitment meeting and then we grow throughout the season. On Tuesday, we had THIRTY signed up! That is crazy! And so fun!!! :) For the first time ever, our adults outnumber our teens - and the teens we have are OUTSTANDING. The middle schoolers are so sweet and fun, and the high schoolers are the ones that really want to be there, and are interested in serving the Lord.

Of course, we will miss the ones who couldn't return for various reasons - they are also amazing. Gosh, we are just lucky to have a blessed group. Alright I will stop gushing because it is BORING to read, I am sure!

Here is a portion of our Project 365 crew dancing at the Sacramento County Fair:

Then, this weekend, Christian Arts Exploration (CAE), our children's creative arts ministry, sang and danced their way through their spring showcase. It was called 'The Crayon Box" and was color themed. Each skit, song and choreographed piece represented a different color in God's rainbow, and it featured 20 children aged 4-12. They did fantastic!!!!

All of the kids, give or take a few :)
As you can tell, they were SUPER nervous about their performance ;)

I got some loves from a bunch of the kiddos before the show.

They are so fun, I am excited for all that summer will bring! <3

Heatstrokes and Hallelujahs!

2009-05-17T16:18:00.001-07:00

Ami came up with the title for this blog. I think it captures yesterday completely.

Turning Point had the opportunity to dance at Orangevale Pow Wow Days, which we were also invited to last year, but dropped out at the last minute because it was so hot outside. This year it was no different, but in my stubborn determination to not become flake of the century, I insisted we go no matter how sweltering it was outside.

Some of the dancers came to brave the heat with me, and it ended up being a really great day! I love our touring opportunities, it is always a positive experience in one way or another.

Frank and Sam came with me in the morning to help set up the booth, and we had a breakfast picnic in the park before people got there, and then the dancers came and we sat in the booth and tried to stay cool until it was time to dance :)

Some of the poor groups who went before us decided to do demos, and couldn't get anyone to come out onto the grass to join in, because nobody wanted to move out of the shade. We met a super sweet and energetic lady named Sunny Field who ended up kind of teaching herself line dancing but acted like she had 100 participants. What a cool reminder to keep your head up even when you feel you're talking to emptiness.

Then when it was time for our group to perform, it was still just so much fun even though it was sweltering and the audience was sparse. Everyone in the booths listened intently to Ami and Johanna sharing their testimonies, and then these two old men got on the phone with their grandchildren who dance at Sierra College and told them that they had to get in touch with us and join.

Then, best of all, the director of the entire event....she said she was a Christian and that she would like to join our dance team. So I look forward to potentially seeing her at our first summer rehearsal on Tuesday :)

Here are some of us in our cute booth. I was very grateful to Diana for thinking about bringing chairs, and the Bell family for bringing the canopy...otherwise our "cute booth" would have consisted of a few planks of wood, some paper taped onto the front, and us....melting.....

That's me in the middle...I am not sure what I am saying, but probably something to the effect of..."Holy guacamole it is impressively warm outside today!"

Us dancing in the grass, because it was too hot to use the stage. Unless doing double turns in lava is your goal, of course. But it was fun and we were spunky :)

Cooling off after our performance. Did I mention it was hot outside yesterday? ;)

Please Don't Take My Sunshine Away

2009-05-09T08:56:00.000-07:00

Most of the time, I'm a pretty content person. I love my job, my ministry, my friends and of course our little family. But I go through these periods of extreme annoyance, and right now there is plenty in life to annoy me. But this blog post is only about one of those many things on my mind right now.

I am annoyed that Sam has to go back to the hospital on Monday.

Even though it's been 7 months already since he came home to live with us, it seems like only yesterday I spent hours of every day staring into his little box (and thankfully eventually a real crib) and whispered to him to hurry up and grow. Get better Sam, there's a whole world I am really excited to show you!

Having a baby in the hospital for 3 months is no fun. You won't hear me complain beyond that, because he was treated like royalty by the nurses and doctors, we could not have asked for better care for him - but when he was discharged from the hospital in October, it seemed as if we couldn't get him home fast enough.

The most difficult part of the entire hospital stay was his second surgery a few weeks before he went home. Afterward, they couldn't control his pain level properly, and so what I first saw after surgery was this helpless tiny body covered in tubes and wires, breathing off oxygen and twitching and convulsing slightly from the post-surgery pain. I felt helpless and then sick to my stomach, and it was the first time in 3 months I actually had to physically walk away from my little baby in order to maintain my composure.

But he recovered quickly and now is a chubby, incessantly cheerful little miracle that kicks and laughs and bangs spoons on the tables at restaurants.

Monday, he has to go back. And I refuse to believe it is only two days away. I keep telling myself this is different - it's a reconstructive surgery - it doesn't involve vital internal organs like the other two did. He is older, bigger and stronger - his body can handle it much better, and his risks are much lower. But on the flip side, I also know there are going to be tubes, wires and pain again.

And I have a feeling that 15 pounds of Sam is going to feel exactly like watching 2 pounds of newborn Sam all over again.

I hate Monday already.

Diverging Perspectives

2009-05-07T21:50:00.001-07:00

I have all but run out of ideas on how to keep Sam amused during the day. Now that he can sit up, it's a lot easier, but we still have the preemie conundrum - jumparoos and other amusements that other 9 month (really 7 month old) babies enjoy are either forbidden or not within his ability yet.

So mom gets antsy/creative in the afternoons.

Today I stole a really easy idea after googling "what to do with a 9 month old" (ah, the modern mom)- fill a baby bottle with rice and you have an instant noise maker. I filled a big bottle for me and a little one for Sam, and I went to work forming our afternoon rock band.

Problem one - it's a bottle, right? So Sam tried to make it an afternoon snack.

Then I took the bottle away, and tried to rationalize him that it was a TOY not food, and that he should SHAKE not chew. This is the face I got.

Then I gave up, and shook mine, which was apparently the funniest thing in the world. He laughed and laughed, look at mommy the idiot singing and dancing around with a plastic bottle of rice. He loved it.

In the end, he gave his rice bottle a half hearted shake, as if to appease my efforts. But he got such a kick out of watching me do it and banging it with his hands. I suppose that's what life is all about - finding something to smile about and harvesting joy out of everything you can - even if it doesn't stick within your original plans and what you hoped for.

2009-05-04T19:30:00.000-07:00

I've always wanted to visit the South, and now that I have gone, I've officially decided that I was meant to be a Southern Belle instead of a California....boring person? But anyway, outside of that, we had a fantastic time with Matt & Emily this weekend in Little Rock. I learned so much and it was great to get a weekend away to refresh and recharge after the performances.

It's probably not so important to note that United did everything within its power to keep us away from Arkansas. The story goes as follows:

*We get to the airport on Thursday afternoon

*Our plane leaves 2 hours late due to a "mechanical error"

*Despite the captain's valiant attempt at flying 120 knots over the legal speed, we still miss our Denver connection

*United gives us (and a bunch of other now plane-less people) vouchers for a hotel room and $30 for dinner - score!

*Oh but then it turns out the hotel voucher was for a non-existent hotel - it had changed ownership over a year ago and did not accept the vouchers.

*So BACK to customer service we went, where we got new vouchers for a hotel 23 miles away!

*We FINALLY got to the hotel at 9:30 at night, and had dinner.

Then I thought to myself, "Self, this is one of the few times you haven't had to worry about a baby for months, what shall you do?"

I decided on eating vanilla ice cream while taking a bubble bath, which I believe was a brilliant choice.

The next day, before we attempted again to get to Arkansas, Frank went to the check-in desk to make absolute sure our bag was still going to Little Rock. The woman assured us that it was scheduled to be on the first flight there, which happened to be our flight too. So.....woo hoo?

I wish! We landed in Little Rock, got great hugs from Em and the kids, and then low and behold our bag wasn't there. We went to the United desk, where there wasn't anyone there for 20 minutes and we finally gave up and walked away.

Frank, by some weird fluke, happened to find out bag at the DELTA office, even though they said they didn't carry bags for other airlines. Our bag had gone on a flight through Atlanta with Delta, and no one bothered to tell us.

Stupid United. Don't fly with them! They are meanies!

So we got to Arkansas, and I just love Little Rock. It is so cute, and almost all of the houses have brick (one of my dream house components :) ), and they have BANANA PUDDING PIZZA, which is my new favorite dessert. I ate it on Friday night, and I seriously have not been able to focus on anything since, it completely changed my life.

Fortunately, in reality I could focus a little, because Matt & Emily had some amazing training for us. We got to see the gorgeous Family Life campus, and then we got down to business. I feel 10,000 times more equipped and ready to meet the goals God has set before me. And I also feel much more in sync with Frank when it comes to those goals, and over all it was just a totally blessed weekend where I learned a LOT, and really got some time to reconnect with the Lord in little, special ways.

Now......I pray for the funds and the people. And a great meeting with Scott on Wednesday. I know the Lord will provide, just like He always does.

I am so glad we reconnected with Emily. She was Frank's friend in high school, then I stole her ;) Then we lost touch and I never stopped thinking about her and wondering what she was up to. Right when I gave up, she found me on myspace, and now I hope we never lose track of each other again! They have a FANTASTIC ministry in Little Rock, and if you are looking to support a wonderful couple dedicating their lives to helping preserve marriage and family, Em's blog is here.

Central High School, site of desegregation during the civil rights movement:

Paying homage to the Larry's Pizza Buffet (aka home of my beloved banana pudding pizza:Matt & Emily's cute kids puddle splashing by the Farmer's Market in Little Rock:

My favorite cute southern children :) :

We love Matt & Emily:
This one's for my dad, haha. :

Sam stayed behind in California. He'll have to wait till Hawaii for his first plane trip. He is doing great, though:

Project 365 Ends...And Yet Begins

2009-04-28T20:53:00.000-07:00

Tonight a bunch of the adult cast members of Project 365 went out for Mexican food and enjoyed a little unwinding after this past whirlwind weekend. Things are moving forward, and there's no looking back, but a few awesome things I do want to share about Project 365 before I officially say goodbye to it!

1) Everyone seemed to really enjoy it, both audience and performers. It was definitely a blessed production.

2) In some aspects, it seems to be spreading like wildfire. We have booking requests up the yazoo, and I am praying that the Lord will give me good discernment with choosing our touring dates and locations.

3) I love that I've already heard about people doing a real life Project 365. I've seen people wearing the ribbons Sarah made, a few of the dancers have reached out to others in Christ's love already, and I've received anonymous letters and emails from strangers thanking the ministry for what they did the past two weeks.

It is crazy humbling, and such a huge blessing to be part of a ministry that is a not-so-common way to honor our Lord.

We had a fantastic final show. Great energy, packed theatre....God just was with us the whole way through and everyone walked away from it feeling really good about the run.

Here's some videos of my favorite dances from the show, for those of you who didn't get to see it:

This is probably one of my favorite dances I've gotten to choreograph, even though I felt like we needed paramedics on hand whenever we did it. We were all so tired! I think we're taking this one to Trinidad, so good luck to us dancing it in extreme humidity.

Ami choreographed this, and it took some of us FOREVER to learn. It felt like a huge geometry exam sometimes...but I love the way it turned out and I'm so proud of her and everyone who was in it.

Alisha is an amazing hip hop dancer, and everyone who got to be in her dance had an absolute blast:

I choreographed this one, and tried to use as many of the girls as possible. I didn't get everyone, but probably 75% and I was so proud of them:

Amber's dance - it followed Elizabeth's death scene, so if you saw the show, it was actually really sad. Lots of the beginner girls were totally victorious in this one:

Jasmine's dance was my favorite one i got to dance in. This is probably going to be the final evidence of my long hair for awhile - I'm sick of it! :)

"Slow Me Down" from Project 365 from Frank Warta on Vimeo.

Dancers, all photos can be found here
Jesus, thanks for being so nice ;)

2009-04-28T08:20:00.000-07:00

When we tuck in Sam at night, we are pretty much guaranteed these days that he will not be in the same position in the morning. Sometimes we find him on his tummy, holding onto the crib bars and peering through, waiting for someone to come find him. Other times, he has rotated a complete 180 degrees in the crib. Here are a few photos from this morning:

I feel terrible for his future wife, who may have to deal with his spinning, turning and tenting while unconscious. Hope they get a really big bed.

This past weekend, we did the March of Dimes March for Babies walk. Sam earned almost $1000 to be pushed in his stroller for 6 miles, while the rest of us sucked it up and walked. It was a beautiful day at the Capitol, and it made for a few fun photo ops.

Sam was all smiles at the start of the walk. He loves to people watch and be outside.

Sam's cousin Kayla had a lot of fun pushing the stroller through downtown. They adore each other, and she can always get him to smile.

He tuckered out by mile 3.

Okay guys, I'm done. Let's go get burgers.